Tourist  Tales 

of 

California 


Sara  White  teaman 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 
AT   LOS  ANGELES 


ROBERT  ERNEST  COWAN 


Tourist  Tales 

of  California 


By 

Sara  White  Isaman 


PUBLISHERS 

THE  REILLY  &  BRITTON  CO. 
CHICAGO 


COPYRIGHT  1907 

BY 

SARA  WHITE  ISAMAN 


COPYRIGHT  1909 

BT 
THE  REILLY  &  BRITTON  CO. 


3SI  7 


TO  MY  FATHER 

ROBERT  ALEXANDER  WHITE 

I  DEDICATE  THIS 

BOOK 


3 

i 


279949 


CONTENTS 


PAGE 

Los    Angeles —That    Good   Old   Tourist   Town 

(poem) 9-13 

At  Busch's  Garden 17 

At  Mt.  Lowe 31 

At  Los  Angeles 43 

At  Studio  Steckell 55 

At  Herman's 69 

At  Long  Beach 81 

Letters  Home  97 

More  Letters 1 09 

At  Venice 121 

At  the  Ostrich  Farm 133 

Apartment- House  Life 153 

At  La  Fiesta 169 

Nebraska  Emblem 185 

At  Catalina : 197 

At  Westlake  Home ...  ..215 


ILLUSTRATIONS 


'*  'Besides,'  says  Hiram,  'if  'twas  very  high 
priced  they  would  have  a  kitchen,  'stead  of 
cookin'  in  the  front  room  to  save  rent.'  "  21 

"  Mebby  if  you  was  to  stand  side-ways,  Pheba, 

'twould  make  you  look  slimmer."    63 

"A  fat  woman  slid  down  one  of  them  slides  an' 
nearly  knocked  the  senses  out  of  your  Uncle 
Hiram." 87 

"  He  stood  fur  hours  lookin'  at  a  fool  ostrich."  141 

"  'Make  a  fool  of  yerself  laffin','  says  he,  'but  if 
I  ever  hear  of  you  whimperin'  a  word  'bout 
this  goat  episode  I'll  sue  you  fur  a  divorce 
an'  separate  maintenence  afore  I'm  a  day 
older.'  "  ..  ..209 


LOS  ANGELES 
THAT  GOOD  OLD  TOURIST  TOWN 


When    the   snow    commenced 

to  fly 

To  the  westward  we  did  hie 
To  Los  Angeles,  that  good 

old  tourist  town, 
Where   they   sell   flowers   by 

the  ton, 

An'  keep  you  on  the  run 
For  fear  the  autocars  will 
knock  you  down. 


With  our  grips  and  umbrel 
We  sought  a  swell  hotel 

In  Los  Angeles,  that  good  old  tourist  town, 
Where  the  clerk  jest  give  one  peep 
An'  sized  us  up  as  cheap 

An'  said:    "Our  rates  are  ten  per  day,  cash  down." 


Oh !  it  gave  us  sich  a  fright 
That  we   sought   the    Angel 

Flight 
In  Los  Angeles,  that  good 

old  tourist  town, 
An'   when    hope   had    nearly 

fled 

We  found  a  room  and  bed 
An'  was  glad  to   get    our 

meals  a  boardin'  round. 


Then  we  felt  so  glad  and  free 
We  started  out  to  see 

Los  Angeles,  that  good  old  tourist  town ; 
From  the  ocean  to  Mount  Lowe 
Sight  seein'  we  did  go — 

Rode  them  trolley  cars  fur  miles  and  miles  around. 


MT.   LOWE 


When  we  go  back  frum  here 
Them  nabors  all  shall  hear 
'Bout    Los    Angeles,    that 

good  old  tourist  town. 
She's  the  world's  playground 

all  right, 
And  her  flowers  and  sunshine 

bright 
Makes   you   feel  as  young 

an'  happy  as  a  clown. 


UNCLE  HIRAM  HAILED  FBOM  NEBRASKA,  BUT  HE 
WANTED  TO  BE  SHOWN  AND  WAS  GAME — 
CARRIAGE  DRIVER  EEPRESENTED  BUSCH'S 
GARDENS  AS  SUNKEN  BY  EARTHQUAKE, 
WHICH  GREATLY  IMPRESSED  HIM. 


AT  BUSCH'S  GARDEN 


44  TUST  set  down  in  that  rocker,  Mandy," 
v  said  Aunt  Pheba  Harrison  to  her  niece, 
"an'  I'll  tell  you  about  our  trip  to  Califor- 
nia, while  I  unpack  this  trunk.  I  bet  a  cookie 
them  souvenirs  got  all  smashed,"  she  added  as 
she  peered  anxiously  into  the  trunk. 

"One  day  last  fall  a  real  estate  agent  come 
out  from  Lincoln  an'  offered  us  fifty  thousand 
dollars  for  our  farm.  Hiram  wouldn't  think 
of  sellin'  at  any  price,  but  he  says:  'I'll  tell 
ye,  Pheba,  what  we  will  do;  we  will  take  a 
rest  an'  let  somebody  else  do  the  work  after 
this.  I  want  to  travel  some  an'  the  first  place 
I  want  to  see  is  California.'  So  we  went.  My! 
but  it  seemed  to  me  that  everybody  an'  his  wife 
had  taken  a  sudden  notion  to  go  to  California 
just  because  we  had.  Some  folks  we  knew 
went  in  a  tourist  car  an'  we  used  to  go  back 
an'  stay  with  them  a  spell  every  day  just  for 

17 


18  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

a  change.  Seemed  to  me  all  they  thought  of 
in  that  car  was  to  eat. 

"They  had  a  stove  fixed  so  you  could  make 
coffee  an*  bake  potatoes,  an*  then  the  porter 
would  set  up  little  tables  to  eat  from,  in  front 
of  the  seats.  One  big  fellow  spent  most  of  his 
time  eatin'  an*  kept  his  tired-lookin'  wife,  who 
wore  a  blue  calico  Mother  Hubbard,  cookin'  as 
if  he  never  had  anything  to  eat  in  Nebraska 
and  never  expected  to  get  anything  in  Califor- 
nia. I  don't  think  much  of  the  country  be- 
tween here  an*  California,  except  little  spots 
around  Denver  an*  Salt  Lake  City.  Saw 
some  Mormon  houses  around  there  built  so  you 
could  tell  how  many  wives  a  man  had  by  count- 
in'  the  new  rooms  that  had  been  added  to  the 
main  part — every  time  he  got  a  new  wife  he 
built  a  new  room. 

"We  made  our  first  stop  at  Los  Angeles. 
When  Hiram  registered  at  the  hotel,  'Hiram 
Harrison  an'  wife,  Lincoln,  Nebraska,'  the 
man  behind  the  desk  smiled,  an'  said:  'From 
Bryan's  state,  I  see;'  an'  Hiram,  lookin'  half 
a  foot  taller,  answered:  'Yes,  sir;  from  the 
same  state,  county  an'  township;  in  fact,  my 


AT  BUSCH'S  GARDEN  19 

farm  corners  with  his'n  an*  a  better  neighbor 
I  never  had.'  The  folks  seemed  real  interested 
to  hear  Hiram  tell  about  being  a  neighbor  to 
'the  greatest  man  in  America  today,*  as  one 
man  put  it. 

"We  don't  seem  to  think  much  about  it  here 
livin'  so  close  to  him,  but  there's  lots  of  folks 
out  there  thinks  he  is  goin'  to  be  President  of 
the  United  States,  next  time — if  the  Republi- 
cans don't  snow  him  under  again. 

"When  the  clerk  showed  us  our  room  it  felt 
real  chilly.  The  clerk  said  they  hadn't  started 
the  furnace  yet,  but  we  could  use  the  stove. 
When  we  saw  the  stove  we  both  laughed;  it 
wasn't  a  bit  bigger  than  our  coffee  pot;  beats 
all  what  little  stoves  they  use  out  there ;  looked 
like  a  case  of  too  much  stovepipe,  but  it  bet  up 
all  right.  We  just  rented  a  room  at  this  hotel 
an'  et  our  meals  wherever  we  happened  to  be, 
when  we  were  out  sight-seeing;  so  Hiram  says 
to  the  clerk:  'I'm  hungry  as  a  wolf — tell  me 
where  I'll  find  the  best  eatin*  place  in  town.' 
The  clerk  told  him  Leevies  or  some  such  name 
an*  there  we  went.  I  told  Hiram  I  guessed 
it  was  real  expensive,  but  he  lowed  as  long  as 


20  TOUEI8T  TALES  OF  CALIFOKNIA 

Bryan  et  there  it  couldn't  be  very  high,  bein's 
how  he  always  set  down  on  anything  over  a 
dollar  when  they  used  to  make  big  dinners  for 
him.  *  Besides,'  says  Hiram,  'if  'twas  very 
high  priced  they  would  have  a  kitchen  'stead 
of  cookin'  in  the  front  room  to  save  rent.'  As 
luck  would  have  it,  I  left  my  glasses  in  my 
satchel  in  our  room,  an'  Hiram  left  his'n  in  his 
overcoat,  so  we  couldn't  see  a  thing  on  the 
bill-o-f are  or  men-you,  as  they  called  it. 

"So  we  told  the  waiter  we  knowed  what  we 
wanted,  without  readin'  it  off  from  a  printed 
paper.  So  Hiram  says:  'Pheba,  let's  have  a 
dinner  just  like  we  would  have  in  Nebraska  on 
the  Fourth  of  July,  seem*  they  have  so  much 
garden  sass  an*  fruit  in  this  country.' 

"  'All  right,'  I  said;  and  he  ordered  soup 
an'  fish  an'  salads  an'  cucumbers  an'  mush- 
rooms an*  fried  chicken  an'  cherry  pie  an' 
puddin'  an*  some  things  he  didn't  know  the 
names  of,  but  saw  others  eatin'.  I  told  him  not 
to  be  so  reckless,  but  he  said  he  guessed  folks 
from  Nebraska  could  eat  what  the  rest  of  the 
world  et;  so  I  didn't  say  any  more,  seein'  how 


Besides,'  says  Hiram,  'if  'twas  very  high  priced  they  would 
have  a  kitchen  'stead  of  cookin'  in  the  front  room  to  save 
rent.'  " 


AT  BUSCH'8  GAEDEN  23 

he  was  enjoyin'  it,  especially  that  green  corn  on 
the  cob ;  really,  I  was  kind  of  ashamed  of  it,  for 
I  guess  he  et  eight  or  ten  ears.  Mandy,  that 
dinner  cost  us  ten  dollars  an'  twenty-five  cents; 
but  your  Uncle  was  game — after  the  first  gasp 
of  astonishment,  he  paid  it  like  it  was  the 
usual  thing;  but  I  noticed  he  didn't  ask  any 
more  for  the  very  best  eatin'  places. 

"  'The  next  place  we  et  at,  or  tried  to,  was  at 
a  cafeteria.  I  found  it  when  I  went  out  for 
a  walk  an*  Hiram  didn't  know  exactly  where 
he  was  goin',  or  what  he  was  goin'  to  do.  I 
says:  'Now  Hiram,  you  just  watch  me  an' 
do  just  exactly  what  I  do.'  Well,  I  got  my 
handkerchief  out  an'  tucked  it  'n  my  belt,  an* 
bless  you  if  he  didn't  yank  out  his  handkerchief 
an'  tuck  it  under  his  vest.  It  looked  so  funny 
hangin'  down  in  front  of  him,  that  I  laughed 
an'  that  made  him  mad;  beats  all  how  men 
hate  to  be  laughed  at  when  they  do  something 
funny.  When  it  come  to  gettin*  the  trays, 
an'  grabbin'  silverware  an'  such,  he  got  so 
rattled,  he  said  'Yes,'  to  everything  they  of- 
fered him  to  eat,  till  he  couldn't  get  anything 


24  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

else  on  his  tray.  Then  we  started  for  an 
empty  table,  Hiram  carryin'  the  tray  on  one 
hand  as  high  as  his  head. 

"My!  It  was  awful!  I  sometimes  dream  of 
seein'  that  tray  wabblin'  in  the  air  yet,  an' 
seem'  them  victuals,  boiled  cabbage,  custard  an' 
gravy,  come  slidin'  down  on  top  of  that  oldish 
man's  bald  head,  as  he  sat  at  a  table  eatin'  his 
dinner.  At  first  he  only  bowed  his  head  to 
the  avalanche  of  dishes  an*  victuals,  but  when 
a  pot  of  hot  tea  come  whizzin'  along  an' 
struck  him  plump  on  the  back  of  his  fat  neck, 
he  must  of  jumped  two-foot  straight  up  into 
the  air.  There  are  some  nice  folks  in  the 
world;  for  that  poor  man  acted  like  a  hero,  an' 
begged  me  not  to  be  distressed.  As  for 
Hiram,  he  never  looked  back,  but  fled  toward 
the  door,  almost  upsettin'  the  folks  in  his  way. 
Some  of  the  folks  had  manners  enough  not  to 
laugh,  but  as  for  the  rest  of  them — well, 
mebby  some  of  them  are  laughin'  yet.  If  you 
want  to  see  your  Uncle  real  mad  just  say  cafe- 
teria to  him. 

"The  next  day  we  went  to  Pasadena.  He 
made  me  real  ashamed  again.  As  we  went 


AT  BUSCH'S  GAKDBN  25 

whizzin'  round  a  corner,  he  yelled  out:  'Stop 
the  car,  somebody's  goin'  to  git  murdered; 
woman's  got  a  razor  back  there.'  He  acted  so 
scairt  they  stopped  the  car,  an'  when  Hiram 
pointed  back  to  the  place,  the  conductor  said: 
'You  old  Hayseed,  didn't  you  never  see  a  lady 
barber  before?' 

"Exceptin'  for  that  episode,  I  enjoyed  the 
ride  between  Pasadena  an'  Los  Angeles  real 
well.  My !  when  I  get  tired  of  the  prairie  I 
can  just  shut  my  eyes  an'  think  of  them  green 
hills,  purtier  than  any  I  ever  see  painted  in 
any  picture;  it's  a  shame  to  have  them  big  bill- 
boards stuck  all  over  them — but  then  I  will 
say  this  much,  they  are  about  the  neatest  bill- 
boards I  ever  see — some  of  them  had  pretty 
birds  an'  flowers,  an'  sheep;  an'  one  had  a  boat 
an'  water  painted  on  it. 

"When  we  got  to  Pasadena,  we  found  a  lot 
of  carriages  waitin'  for  us — how  in  the  world 
they  knowed  we  were  tourists  an'  wanted  to  take 
a  ride  is  past  me,  but  they  did;  Hiram  kicked 
on  the  price  till  one  jolly  lookin'  fellow  agreed 
to  take  us  a  quarter  of  a  dollar  apiece  cheaper 
than  the  others.  I  saw  him  wink  at  the  others 


26  TOUBIST  TALES  OF  CALIFOENIA 

like  as  if  he  thought  Hiram  was  pretty  close, 
but  at  last  we  got  started. 

"  'Now,'  says  Hiram,  'I'm  payin'  you  to 
tell  me  things  as  well  as  for  this  ride,  so  you 
just  work  your  jaw  a  little  an'  earn  them  two 
dollars,  will  you? ' 

"  'What  fur  place  is  this?'  he  asked. 

"  'That,'  said  the  driver,  lookin'  sober  round 
the  mouth,  but  his  black  eyes  twinklin',  'is  the 
famous  Tourist  Club  of  Pasadena.  No  one 
can  belong  to  it  that  plays  cards,  smokes  or 
chews,  or  tells  yarns;  an'  besides  it  costs  a 
hundred  dollars  a  year  to  belong.' 

"  'Humph,'  said  Hiram,  eyeing  it  with  dis- 
approval, 'couldn't  run  a  place  like  that  in 
Nebraska  a  week  less  twas  fur  a  passel  of  old 
women. ' 

"  'This  place,'  says  the  driver,  pointin*  to  a 
kind  of  a  hilly  lookin'  piece  of  land,  'is  the 
place  John  D.  Rockefeller  is  offerin'  to  the 
doctor  that  will  cure  him  of  dyspepsia  an' 
baldness  at  the  same  time.' 

"  'We  are  now  on  the  Orange  Grove  drive, 
said  to  be  the  finest  street  in  the  world,'  went 
on  the  driver  as  we  turned  the  corner. 


AT  BUSCH'S  GARDEN  27 

"  'Where's  the  orange  groves!'  said  Hiram 
lookin'  round. 

"By  this  time  the  driver  spoke  again,  say- 
in':  'Look  to  your  right,  an'  you  will  see  the 
Busch's  Famous  Sunken  Gardens.' 

"  'What  sunk  'em?'  says  Hiram. 

"The  driver  looked  kind  of  startled  an' 
said:  'Why,  the  earthquake  of  course — stood 
up  as  level  as  a  floor  before  that.' 

"'Wai,  wal!'  says  Hiram,  'I  wouldn't  a 
missed  this  fur  the  price  of  the  ride ;  ruined  all 
his  garden  truck,  too,  I  reckon;  don't  see 
nothin'  but  grass,  flowers  an'  sich.' 

"  'Sure,'  answered  the  driver." 


UNCLE  HIRAM  HAS  A  STRENUOUS  DAY  IN  PASA- 
DENA, AND  FINALLY  BECOMES  INCREDULOUS 
ABOUT  THE  SAFETY  BALLOON  ATTACHMENT 
ON  THE  MT.  LOWE  EAILWAY — EXPERIENCES 
SOME  DIFFICULTY  OVER  His  FIRST  TAMALE 
AND  Is  JUSTLY  INDIGNANT  AT  "SHELL 
GAMES." 


AT  MT.  LOWE 


{{ T  ET'S  see,  Mandy,  where  was  I,  when 
••— '  your  Uncle  Hiram  come  home  for 
dinner,  an*  stopped  us  talkin'  about  Cali- 
fornia?" said  Mrs.  Harrison.  "Oh,  yes,"  she 
continued,  after  a  moment's  thought,  "we  were 
out  takin'  a  carriage  ride  in  Pasadena.  Well, 
the  driver  stopped  the  horses  up  on  a  high 
point  so  we  could  get  a  good  view  of  Mt.  Lowe. 
Mt.  High  would  have  been  a  better  name  for  it, 
seems  to  me.  'How  in  the  world  do  they  ever 
get  up  there?'  said  Hiram,  'an'  how  in  creation 
they  ever  got  the  lumber  up  there  to  build  that 
Tavern  beats  me.* 

' '  '  They  have  a  car,  run  on  cables,  that  hauls 
you  up,  nearly  straight  in  the  air  for  five 
thousand  feet,'  answered  the  driver.  'S'posen 
the  cable  would  break?'  says  I.  It  seemed 
pretty  scary  business  to  me.  'Oh,  they  have 
that  fixed  all  right,'  he  answered.  'They  have 

31 


32  TOUE1ST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

a  lot  of  gas  stored  under  the  car,  an'  when  a 
cable  breaks  it  opens  a  valve,  an'  in  a  jiffy  a 
balloon  is  filled  with  gas ;  the  balloon  is  fastened 
to  the  top  of  the  car  with  ropes,  so  there  you 
are  held  safe  an'  sound  till  the  cable  is  fixed. 
Safest  place  in  the  world  outside  your  own 
bed.' 

"  'Well,'  says  Hiram,  greatly  interested,  'if 
that's  the  way  she  works,  we'll  take  that  trip 
some  day.'  Then  he  showed  us  where  the  big 
searchlight  was,  away  up  on  the  side  of  a 
mountain,  an'  told  us  about  it,  sayin':  'They 
can  throw  that  light  all  over  Southern  Cali- 
fornia; one  minute  they  will  be  spyin'  out  the 
sights  at  Redlands  an'  Eiverside,  an'  the  next 
they  will  be  lookin'  over  Los  Angeles  an'  Long 
Beach,  it  works  so  fast.  Grandest  searchlight 
you  ever  saw.' 

"  'What  in  creation  are  they  searchin'  fur, 
anyway!'  asked  Hiram. 

"  'Why,'  answered  the  driver,  'that's  the 
way  they  find  out  how  big  the  tourist  crop  is.' 

"On  our  way  back,  he  showed  us  some  old 
trees — 'bout  the  oldest  of  any  thereabouts. 

"  'What  sort  of  trees  be  they?'  we  asked. 


AT  MT.  LOWE  33 

"  'Date  palms,'  he  answered. 

"  'Date  back  very  fur!'  asked  Hiram,  tryin' 
to  be  funny. 

"  'Quite  a  spell,'  he  answered,  lookin'  as  tho' 
he  was  thinkin'  hard,  'but  I  forget  whether 
they  was  planted  in  1771  or  1871.' 

"Just  before  we  got  out  of  the  carriage, 
Hiram  said :  '  Now,  are  you  sure  you  Ve  showed 
us  all  the  curiosities  we're  entitled  to  see,  fur  a 
a  two  dollar  ride?' 

"  'There's  one  right  there,  you  ain't  seen,' 
says  he,  pointin'  his  buggy  whip  at  a  woman  on 
the  sidewalk,  across  the  street. 

"  'Who,  that  woman!'  says  Hiram.  'She 
ain't  no  curiosity;  country's  overrun  with  'em 
out  here.  What's  wrong  with  her?' 

"  'She  stammers,'  answered  the  driver. 

"  'Well,  what  ef  she  doesT  said  Hiram, 
'I've  seen  lots  of  folks  that  stutters.' 

"  'Ever  hear  a  woman  stutter?  Honor 
bright,  old  man,  did  you  ever?'  asked  the 
driver. 

"Hiram  hates  to  give  in,  but  he  finally  had 
to  own  up  that  all  the  women  he  ever  had  any 


34  TOUEIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

dealin's  with  had  their  talkin'  apparatus  in 
good  workin'  order. 

"After  we  got  out  of  the  carriage,  Hiram 
spied  a  news  stand,  where  it  said  you  could  get 
all  your  'home  papers.'  When  your  Uncle 
found  the  one  he  wanted,  the  newsdealer  told 
him  it  was  ten  cents. 

"  'Ten  cents!'  echoed  Hiram,  'this  is  a  regu- 
lar hold-up;  keep  your  old  paper.  I  hain't  a 
fool  if  I  be  a  tourist!' 

"He  hunted  all  over  the  town  an'  at  last  he 
give  it  up  an'  came  back  to  the  place  where 
I  was  waitin'  for  him.  Here  a  small  boy,  who 
had  been  an  interested  listener  to  the  conversa- 
tion Hiram  had  with  the  newsdealer,  said  soft- 
ly, as  he  sidled  up  to  us:  'Mister,  here's  your 
home  paper  fur  a  nickel.' 

"Your  Uncle  took  it,  lookin'  as  pleased  over 
savin'  that  nickel  as  if  his  wheat  was  turnin' 
out  forty  bushels  to  the  acre,  or  he  had  'topped 
the  market'  with  a  load  of  fat  cattle  in  South 
Omaha.  He  hurried  me  into  a  little  station 
where  they  take  the  street  cars  for  Los  An- 
geles. We  got  seats,  an*  after  he  had  read  for 
'bout  half  an  hour,  he  give  a  sigh  of  content 


AT  MT.  LOWE  35 

an'  says:  'Seems  awful  good  to  read  a  paper 
fresh  from  home  once  more.'  'Any  news  from 
our  neighborhood?'  says  I. 

"  'Why,  yes,'  he  says,  huntin'  the  place  an' 
readin'  out  loud:  'Old  Settlers  have  their  pic- 
nic in  More's  Box  Elder  Grove  next  Tuesday; 
Hen  Scott  lost  four  hogs,  drivin'  them  to  mar- 
ket Monday  mornin'.  Thermometer  stood  for 
three  hours  Monday  afternoon  at  100  above 
zero,  in  the  shade.'  'Great  Guns!'  says  Hiram, 
'an'  California  braggin'  about  it  bein'  eighty. 
Nebraska  can  beat  the — ' 

"  'Hiram  Harrison!'  says  I,  inter  ruptin* 
him,  for  I  know  it  is  a  long  wait  when  he  gets 
to  blowin'  about  Nebraska.  'What's  the  date 
of  that  paper?'  He  looked  at  the  date  an'  then 
at  me,  kind  o'  dazed  like,  through  his  specks. 
The  paper  was  six  months  old. 

"Well,  we  was  gettin'  hungry  by  this  time 
an'  as  the  driver  had  been  tellin'  us  about  ta- 
males,  we  thought  we'd  try  'em;  'twould  be 
something  new  to  tell  the  neighbors  'bout  when 
we  got  back  home.  We  hadn't  either  of  us 
seen,  much  less  et  one ;  so  when  the  darkey  put 
them  down  in  front  of  us  on  a  plate,  with  an- 


36  TOUEIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

other  plate  in  between  us,  we  hadn't  the  least 
notion  where  we  was  to  tackle  'em  fust.  I 
tried  to  cut  mine  through  the  middle,  but  the 
knife  was  so  dull  it  was  slow  work.  Hiram 
took  his  in  both  hands  like  he  eats  green  corn 
on  the  cob.  He  took  a  bite — bit  hard,  too, 
but  he  didn't  do  a  thing  but  yank  his  false 
teeth  out  on  his  plate.  He's  sensitive  about 
them  teeth,  an'  you  ought  to  a  seen  him  clap 
'em  back  in  his  mouth,  an'  look  around  to  see 
if  anyone  was  lookin'  our  way. 

"  'Pheba,'  he  says,  'let's  get  out  of  here  an' 
get  something  we  can  eat  without  breakin'  a 
jaw.'  Just  then  a  darkey  waiter  who  had  been 
watchin'  us  with  the  whites  of  his  eyes  rollin' 
around  in  his  head,  come  up  an'  showed  us  how 
to  undo  the  things. 

"Then,  when  he  had  scraped  out  the  kernel, 
as  Hiram  called  it,  he  poured  over  it  a  little 
pitcher  full  of  something  that  looked  like  ketch- 
up— we  found  out  after  we  had  et  it,  though, 
that  it  was  mostly  red  pepper.  It  nearly  burned 
us  to  death,  an*  I'll  bet  we  drunk  a  quart  of 
water  afterwards.  'No  more  dago  grub  for 
me,'  says  Hiram.  After  we  left  the  restaurant, 


AT  MT.  LOWE  37 

I  went  to  look  for  souvenirs,  an '  of  course  your 
Uncle  had  to  tag  along  an'  bother  me.  He  al- 
ways acts  mean  when  I  get  on  a  souvenir  hunt, 
as  he  calls  'em ;  it  ain't  so  much  the  money  as  it 
is  he's  afraid  I'll  make  him  lug  'em  around. 
There  were  some  things  in  a  curio  store  that  I 
thought  was  real  cute;  one  was  a  box  of 
oranges,  not  much  bigger  than  marbles;  real 
oranges,  too,  in  little  boxes,  all  packed  ready  to 
send  away.  The  other  was  a  horned  toad  put 
between  two  pieces  of  bread  just  like  a  real 
sandwich.  Of  course  it  was  only  meant  for  a 
joke,  but  your  Uncle  never  could  see  a  joke, 
an'  besides  his  mouth  was  burning  awful  from 
eatin'  that  tamale,  so  at  first  glance  he  thought 
it  really  was  to  eat,  an'  a  madder  man  you 
never  saw. 

"  'Fix  up  something  else  smart  to  nearly 
kill  folks  with,  will  you?'  he  yelled  at  the  man 
who  was  showin'  them  to  me.  'S'pose  you 
would  come  back  to  Nebraska  an'  we'd  fix  up 
grasshopper  sandwiches  to  sell  you,  an'  little 
wormy  apples  at  a  quarter  a  box,  an'  cornmeal 
an*  cayenne  pepper  tied  up  in  corn  shucks,  to 
burn  the  livers  outen  you?' 


38  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

"The  man  who  had  'em  to  sell  was  too  as- 
tonished to  answer;  guess  he  thought  your 
Uncle  had  a  'brain  storm'  if  he  wa'n't  actually 
crazy.  Anyway,  I  got  him  out  on  the  sidewalk 
an'  after  we  had  seen  some  movin'  pictures  up 
the  street  aways,  he  got  in  a  better  humor  an' 
I  thought  I'd  try  it  again. 

"We  went  into  another  store — never  saw  so 
many  pretty  curios  as  they  had  there.  I 
bought  the  Mission,  poppy  and  poinsettia  pil- 
lows there.  I  could  have  stayed  in  there  all 
afternoon,  but  Hiram  kept  edgin'  toward  the 
door,  an*  a-hurryin'  of  me  up.  Just  as  we  was 
leavin'  the  clerk  called  me  back  an'  says:  'We 
have  a  little  novelty  here  I  want  to  show  you. 
It  is  called  Pasadena  in  a  nutshell.'  An*  sure 
enough,  there  was  a  lot  of  little  pictures  of 
Pasadena  in  an  ordinary  lookin'  English  wal- 
nut shell,  that  shut  an'  opened  as  cute  as  you 
please. 

"Your  Uncle  Hiram  is  a  little  hard  of  hear- 
in',  so  he  didn't  hear  what  the  clerk  said  to  me, 
but  he  caught  sight  of  the  shell  and  yelled  out : 
'No,  you  don't  come  any  of  your  shell  games 
on  us!  Take  me  fur  a  regular  greenhorn,  do 


AT  MT.  LOWE  39 

you?  Wasn't  I  flimflammed  out  of  ten  dollars 
in  a  shell  game  at  the  State  Fair  once  by  jest 
such  a  sharper  as  you?' 

"  'Pheba,  he'd  a  flimflammed  you  sure  if  I 
hadn't  a  ben  along  to  protect  you,'  he  said,  as 
he  hurried  me  into  the  street.  An'  to  this  day 
I  can't  make  Hiram  think  any  different. 

"About  midnight,  I  woke  an*  found  Hiram 
restless  an'  wideawake.  'What  ails  you?'  says 
I.  'Nothin','  he  answered.  'Only  I  was  tryin' 
to  figger  out  how  they  got  that  balloon  filled 
with  gas  quick  enough  to  ketch  that  car  on  Mt. 
Lowe.  Say,  Pheba,  I 'wonder  if  that  driver 
man  could  a-lied  a  little?'  'I  wonder,  too,'  I 
answered  as  I  trailed  off  to  sleep  again." 


UNCLE  HIRAM  OBJECTS  TO  Too  MUCH  EEALISM 
IN  PERSONAL  DESCRIPTION  AND  AUNT  PHEBA 
FINDS  IT  HARD  TO  DESCRIBE  HER  OWN  HUS- 
BAND— IN  AND  OUT  OF  A  BATHING  SUIT — 
THE  WAY  OF  THE  LONG  BEACH  FLEA  Is 
PAST  FINDING  OUT. 


AT  LOS  ANGELES 


((  •  A  ID  I  ever  tell  you,  Mandy,  'bout  me 
-L/  an'  your  Uncle  gettin'  lost  from  each 
other  in  Los  Angeles?  No;  well  we  did,  as 
lost  as  the  'Babes  in  the  Woods.'  The  hotels 
were  all  full  when  we  got  there,  except  one  or 
two  of  them  high-priced  ones.  We  went  to 
one  an'  looked  at  the  rooms,  but  when  the  clerk 
told  us  they  charged  ten  dollars  a  day,  Hiram 
told  him  he  wouldn't  give  that  much  a  day  for 
the  whole  tavern. 

"A  man  who  saw  us  huntin'  round,  told  us 
about  some  nice  rooms  clos't  to  a  restaurant, 
out  Westlake  way.  Hiram  went  out  to  see  'em, 
an'  likin'  them  furstrate,  come  back  an'  got  the 
satchels  an'  things.  I  wasn't  quite  ready  to  go, 
as  I  had  broke  one  of  the  glasses  in  my  specks 
an'  was  gettin'  it  mended.  So  Hiram  gave  me 
a  card  with  the  number  of  the  house  an'  the 
name  of  the  street  on  it,  an'  told  me  to  give  it 
43 


44  TOUELST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

to  the  street  car  conductor  an'  he  would  put  me 
off  the  right  place.  When  I  started  to  get  on 
the  car  an  hour  later,  I  got  mixed  up  in  an  auto- 
mobile an'  street  car  accident  an'  come  nigh 
gettin'  killed.  I  wan't  hurt  a  mite,  but  when 
I  come  to  look  for  that  card  it  had  disappeared. 
I  guess  I  spent  a  half  hour  goin'  up  an'  down 
that  street  a-huntin'  for  it.  Bye  an'  bye,  a  po- 
liceman spied  me  an'  asked  what  was  wrong. 
I've  heard  folks  laugh  an'  say,  'tell  your 
troubles  to  the  policeman,'  but  that  was  the 
time  I  was  mighty  glad  of  the  chance,  an'  him 
so  nice  about  it,  too.  He  advised  me  to  go  into 
a  drug  store,  an'  watch  the  street  an'  mebby 
Hiram  would  come  lookin'  for  me,  an'  in  the 
meantime  he  would  keep  a  lookout  for  him, 
too;  if  neither  of  us  see  him  in  an  hour,  he 
would  take  me  to  the  police  station,  where  'twas 
more'n  likely  we  would  hear  from  him.  Then 
he  asked  me  for  a  description  of  Hiram.  Say, 
Mandy,  did  you  ever  try  to  write  a  description 
of  some  of  your  own  family?  Well,  jest  you 
try  it  sometime  an'  see  how  funny  it  reads.  I 
thought  I  knew  Hiram  Harrison  if  I  ever 
knowed  anyone,  but  this  was  the  best  I  could 


AT  LOS  ANGELES  45 

do:  'Hiram  Harrison;  past  middle  age; 
smallish  like;  walks  tired  from  havin'  corns  on 
left  toes;  squints  right  eye  an'  has  large  black 
mole  on  lobe  of  left  ear;  bald  spot  on  top  of 
head;  wore  salt  an'  pepper  suit  an'  red  neck- 
tie.' 

"Well,  neither  of  us  saw  anything  of 
Hiram,  so  the  policeman  took  me  to  the  sta- 
tion; pretty  soon  the  telephone  (real  near  me) 
rang,  an'  I  could  hear  Hiram's  voice  plain  as 
day.  He  always  yells  into  a  telephone  like 
as  if  'twas  a  lung  tester.  I  used  to  tell  him, 
if  he  would  stand  out  in  the  yard  an'  holler  as 
loud  as  he  does  into  the  telephone,  the  neigh- 
bors could  hear  him  for  miles  around,  an'  we'd 
save  a  telephone  bill.  The  man  who  answered 
the  'phone  said:  'All  right;  jest  give  me  a  de- 
scription;' an'  I  heard  sich  scraps  as  this: 
'Oldish  woman;  fat;  false  teeth;  number  six 
shoes;  had  a  bunnet  on  with  something  stickin' 
up  in  front,  an'  something  thin  floppin'  down 
the  back.'  The  man  at  the  'phone  looked  at 
me  an*  smiled;  an'  said:  'All  right;  I  guess 
we've  got  her.'  It  meant  me  all  right,  an'  glad 
as  I  was  at  bein'  found,  I  was  mad  clear 


46  TOUBJST  TALES  OP  CALIFOENIA 

through  at  Hiram  a-describin'  of  me  that  way. 
I  reckon  a  woman  never  lives  long  enough  to 
get  used  to  bein'  called  old,  an'  I  never  wear 
number  sixes  only  when  he  buys  my  shoes. 
He's  so  close  he  always  gets  all  he  can  of  any- 
thing, if  it  don't  cost  any  more.  Pretty  soon 
Hiram  come ;  seems  the  policeman  that  brought 
me  to  the  station  had  spotted  him  all  right 
from  my  description,  for  he  held  the  paper  in 
his  hand  an*  after  we  got  settled  in  our  room 
he  put  on  his  specks  an'  read  it.  My!  but  he 
was  mad  as  a  hornet,  an'  says:  'What  ye 
mean  givin'  such  a  crazy  description  of  me  as 
this  to  that  policeman?  Couldn't  rest  'thout 
spreadin'  it  round  all  over  Los  Angeles  'bout 
that  mole  on  my  ear;  that  bald  spot  seems  to 
hurt  you  too.  Did  ye  reckon  perlicemen  ain't 
got  no  thin'  to  do  but  to  stan'  round  snatchin' 
off  men's  hats  to  see  if  they  are  bald-headed? 
Corns  nothin'!'  he  snorted,  as  he  read  on; 
'didn't  tell  him,  I  reckon,  I  was  loaded  down 
within  an  inch  of  my  life,  luggin'  round  them 
old  satchels  stuffed  with  souvenirs  an'  shirt- 
waists? From  this  writeup,  folks  would  think 
I  was  some  little  squinty  runt,  totterin'  like's 


AT  LOS  ANGELES  47 

if  I  was  walkin'  on  eggs  with  my  feet  kivered 
with  corns,  an'  a  mole  on  my  ear  as  big  as  a 
pertater;  if  this  truck  had  cum  out  in  the  pa- 
pers, describin'  of  me,  I'd  left  the  country. 
You  have  taught  me  a  lesson  tho,  Pheba,  an' 
I'll  have  it  understood  here  an'  now  that  when 
my  obituary  is  writ,  there  ain't  agoin'  to  be  no 
such  mess  of  facts  dished  up  to  be  printed  in 
no  paper.  No,  siree;  I'll  write  it  myself  an' 
I'll  bet  a  cookie  I  can  describe  Hiram  Harrison, 
Esq.,  'thout  bringin'  up  every  mole  an'  squint 
an*  corn  he  ever  had.'  Exceptin'  that  spat, 
we  had  a  real  good  time  out  Westlake  way; 
but  after  a  while,  Hiram  took  a  notion  he 
wanted  to  go  to  Long  Beach.  That's  the  place 
to  have  fun ;  they  call  it  the  Coney  Island  of  the 
Pacific.  I  don't  know  anything  about  Coney, 
but  I  do  know  there's  something  doin'  down  at 
Long  Beach  most  of  the  time.  My  first 
thought  on  wakin'  in  the  mornin'  was  that  I 
was  back  here  an'  them  boomin'  waves  made 
me  think  'twas  goin'  to  be  another  windy  day. 
'Twas  the  first  time  either  of  us  ever  see  the 
ocean  an'  our  emotions  would  be  hard  to  de- 
scribe. Someway  it  give  me  the  same  lone- 


48       TOUEJST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

some  feelin'  I  had  when  I  fust  saw  the  prairie, 
stretchin'  away  an'  away,  to  meet  no  thin'  but 
the  sky.  But  Hiram  liked  the  place,  an'  took 
in  everything,  from  a  swim  in  the  ocean  to  the 
skatin'  rink.  The  first  mornin'  we  went  out 
fur  a  walk,  we  come  across  the  bones  of  the 
biggest  fish  I  ever  hear  tell  of.  *  Land  of  sakes 
an'  goodness!'  says  I  to  Hiram;  'I  wouldn't  a 
believed  it  if  I  hadn't  see  it  with  my  own  eyes !' 
But  Hiram  wouldn't  stop,  an'  pullin'  me  by,  as 
fast  as  he  could,  he  said:  'Come  on,  Pheba, 
an'  don't  act  so  green;  we  let  that  carriage 
driver  in  Pasadena  make  a  pack  of  fools  of  us, 
an'  they  ain't  goin'  to  work  that  game  on  me 
in  Long  Beach.  Let  'em  show  their  old 
wooden  fish  bones  to  someone  who  hain't  onto 
their  big  yarns  yet.'  I  heard  afterwards  'twas 
a  real  whalefish,  sixty  foot  long,  they'd  saved 
the  bones  of,  but  you  couldn't  a  made  your 
Uncle  believe  it,  if  all  of  Long  Beach  had  stood 
up  in  a  row  an'  made  affidavits  to  the  fact. 

"Well,  nothin'  would  do  Hiram  but  I  must 
get  a  bathin'  suit  jest  because  he  did.  Hiram, 
like  many  another,  looked  just  awful  in  his'n. 
It  was  a  whole  week  before  I  quit  wonderin' 


AT  LOS  ANGELES  49 

every  time  he  donned  it,  how  I  ever  could 
a-thought  him  good  lookin'  enough  to  marry; 
he  looked  all  head,  feet  an'  jints.  At  last, 
gettin'  kind  of  used  to  seem'  all  sorts  an'  con- 
ditions of  my  fellar  critters,  as  revealed  to  me 
through  the  medium  of  a  bathin'  suit,  I  picked 
up  courage  an'  surprised  Hiram,  by  appearin' 
in  one  myself.  My!  but  it  felt  short  an'  funny, 
an'  I  believe  I'd  a-gone  back  an'  took  it  off  if 
Hiram  hadn't  made  me  mad,  by  yellin'  as  soon 
as  he  caught  sight  of  me:  'Sho,  Pheba,  go 
back,  go  back  quick  and  take  it  off;  you  look 
jest  like  the  fat  woman  we  see  in  the  sideshow 
at  the  State  Fair.'  He  comes  splashin'  up  to 
me  an'  was  tryin'  to  lead  me  back,  when  I  give 
him  a  push,  a  mite  harder  mebby  than  I  in- 
tended to,  an'  landed  him  back  where  a  big 
wave  caught  him  an'  he  swallered  about  a  gal- 
lon of  brine  an'  nearly  choked  to  death.  It 
made  me  mad  to  be  coaxed  into  a  thing  an' 
then  be  made  fun  of,  an'  wear  it  I  did,  even 
when  I  heard  a  smarty  aleck  say,  when  he  saw 
me:  'Now,  look  out,  the  ocean  will  be  raised 
about  a  foot  when  she  gets  in.'  I  guess  I 
didn't  attract  any  more  attention  than  your 


50  TOUEIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

Uncle  tho;  for  he  was  a  sight  after  he  got 
stung  by  one  of  them  fish  that  flops  its  tail  up 
an'  stings  you  when  you  tramps  them;  they 
call  'em  stingaries.  After  he  got  stung,  he 
bought  him  a  pair  of  high-topped  rubber 
boots,  an'  tied  'em  tight  with  a  big  cord,  around 
his  legs  just  below  his  knees;  I  don't  like  to 
make  fun  of  my  own  husband,  but  I  must  con- 
fess he  did  look  funny,  awful  funny  in  that 
rig. 

"I  caught  my  first  California  flea  at  Long 
Beach.  They  wan't  anyways  near  as  bad  as 
we  used  to  hear  they  was  tho.  I  remember 
readin'  once  in  a  book  where  it  said:  'You 
can  go  to  the  California  beaches  an'  take  up  a 
handful  of  sand  an'  the  fleas  will  kick  it  all 
away  by  the  time  they  get  out.'  Speakin'  of 
fleas,  makes  me  think  of  San  Diego.  We  went 
out  for  a  walk  there  one  evenin',  an'  stopped 
with  a  lot  of  other  folks  who  hadn't  anything 
better  to  do,  an'  listened  to  a  wild-eyed  orator, 
who  stood  on  a  box  on  a  street  corner,  makin'  a 
speech.  A  tall,  lank  fellow  stood  by  us  tryin' 
to  listen,  too;  but  every  few  seconds  he  would 
hitch  up  one  shoulder,  roll  his  quid  of  tobacco 


AT  LOS  ANGELES  51 

to  the  other  side  of  his  long  jaw,  an'  dig  hisself 
on  the  backbone;  then  he  wouldn't  no  more'n 
get  to  listenin'  again  'till  he  would  hitch  up  his 
pants  leg  an*  rake  away  at  his  shin  like  one  pos- 
sessed. He  kept  up  them  antics  for  some  time, 
dividin'  his  attention  between  the  scratchin' 
an'  the  speakin'.  Finally  the  speaker,  worked 
up  to  a  frenzy  by  his  own  eloquence,  I  reckon, 
yelled:  'One  of  the  burnin'  questions  of  the 
hour  is:  "What  shall  we  do  with  our  ex-Presi- 
dents?" Can  anyone  answer?' 

"There  was  a  dead  silence  for  a  minute; 
then  that  scratchin'  fellow,  after  a  desperate 
attempt  to  reach  an  unreachable  spot  between 
his  shoulder  blades,  yelled  back:  'Send  'em  to 
San  Diego,  an'  keep  'em  out  of  mischief  fight- 
in'  fleas.'  " 


UNCLE  HIRAM  AND  AUNT  PHEBA  HAVE  THE 
TIME  OF  THEIB  LIVES  AND  SURPASS  ALL 
OTHER  EXPERIENCES  HAVING  THEIR  PIC- 
TURES "TOOK"  TO  APPEAR  IN  THE  "HISTORY 
OF  LANCASTER  COUNTY,"  A  FAMOUS  WORK. 


AT  STUDIO  STECKELL 

{4TAM  glad  you  liked  the  pictures,  Mandy," 
-•-  said  Aunt  Pheba  Harrison,  "that  me 
an'  your  Uncle  had  taken  in  Los  Angeles. 
Goodness  knows,  we  had  trouble  enough  bav- 
in' them  took.  We  didn't  start  out  in  the  first 
place  to  have  them  pictures  made ;  it  jest  come 
by  chance,  as  it  were.  "We  heard  some  other 
tourists,  who  was  eatin'  in  the  same  restaurant 
where  we  was  eatin',  talkin'  about  bavin'  some 
fake  pictures  made  to  send  back  home,  an' 
nothin'  would  do  Hiram  but  we  must  go  an' 
have  some  taken,  too.  'Jest  think,'  says  he, 
'how  astonished  the  folks  back  there  will  be  to 
see  me  a-runnin'  of  that  automobile  at  nearly 
a  hundred  miles  an  hour.' 

"Well,  we  went,  an'  I  do  say  fur  natural- 
ness, Hiram's  picture  was  a  success.  When 
my  time  come,  I  had  my  choice  of  runnin'  an 
automobile  or  standin'  by  an'  lettin'  on  like's 
if  I'd  jesf  caught  a  big  fish,  or  ridin'  a  rearin' 

55 


56  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

broncho,  or  pickin'  oranges  in  a  orange  grove. 
I  thought  pickin'  oranges  would  be  the  most 
becomin'  for  a  woman  of  my  years,  so  the  man 
histed  a  ladder  up  against  the  orange  tree  an' 
I  clim  up  an*  set  on  the  top  of  it.  Then  the 
picture  man  run  back  aways  an'  peeped  at  me 
through  a  little  box  with  a  curtain  over  it,  an' 
told  me  how  to  pose.  'Your  profile  is  good,' 
says  he,  'so  you  may  just  turn  to  the  right  a 
little  an'  be  a-reachin'  for  that  top  orange.' 

"Well,  I  done  jest  as  he  told  me  to,  but  jest 
as  I  give  myself  a  turn,  an'  reached  for  the 
orange,  there  was  a  squeak,  an'  a  bang,  an'  in 
another  second  the  air  was  full  of  arms,  an' 
feet,  an'  orange  boughs,  an'  ladders.  Just  then 
I  heard  the  machine  click  an'  the  next  thing  I 
knowed  Hiram  was  bendin'  over  me,  askin'  me 
where  I  was  killed. 

"Say,  Mandy,  I  saw  the  picture  afterwards, 
that  picture  man  took  of  me  durin'  the  catas- 
trophe. Talk  about  your  movin'  pictures;  they 
wan't  in  it  along  with  mine.  Flyin'  pictures,  or 
cyclone  pictures,  would  a-been  a  better  name. 
Four  heads,  eight  arms,  not  to  mention  ladder 
an'  orange  boughs,  goin'  round  like  a  wheel  of 


AT  STUDIO  STECKELL  57 

fortune  tryin'  to  see  how  many  times  they  could 
get  took  in  a  few  seconds. 

"The  picture  man  was  amazed  when  he  see 
what  he  had  done.  Said  'twas  the  most  re- 
markable photograph  he  ever  see  an'  wanted 
to  send  it  to  the  curiosity  department  of  the 
Strand  Magazine.  But  Hiram  told  him  if  he 
did,  he'd  use  the  law,  or  his  fist  on  him,  one  or 
t'other,  an'  mebby  both.  The  picture  man  was 
kind  of  scairt  an'  said  he  was  jest  suggesting 
an'  thought,  praps,  we'd  be  proud  of  it. 

"Proud  of  it,  no  thin'!'  stormed  Hiram. 
'Things  are  comin'  to  a  purty  pass,  when  a 
man's  proud  to  see  his  wife,  who  weighs  nearly 
two  hundred  pounds,  a-caravoutin'  around  in 
the  air  with  four  heads,  not  to  mention  them 
sixteen  han's  an'  feet;  couldn't  a-looked  wus  if 
she'd  bin  blowed  to  pieces  with  damanite.' 

"Your  Uncle's  as  stubborn  as  a  mule,  an* 
when  we  got  out  on  the  sidewalk,  seein'  I 
looked  kind  of  played  out  from  takin'  sich 
vigorous  exercise,  he  says:  'Pheba,  we  started 
out  to  have  our  pictures  took  an*  no  circus  per- 
formance like  that  is  goin'  to  scare  me  out. 
Let's  go  an'  have  some  good  old  fashioned  pic- 


58  TOTJEIST  TALES  OF  CAL1TOBNIA 

tures,  'thout  any  of  them  new  fangled  capers 
in  'em,  taken.' 

"So  we  asked  a  policeman  where  the  best 
picture  taker  in  town  lived,  an'  he  said  a  man 
on  Broadway  named  Steckell  Studio,  or  Studio 
Steckell,  I  forget  which,  made  fine  pictures. 
Hiram  said  he  wanted  the  best  because  he  had 
paid  an  editor  in  Lincoln  who  was  gettin'  up 
an  Atlas,  or  History  of  Lancaster  County,  a 
hundred  dollars  fur  a  place  fur  our  pictures 
an'  a  writeup  of  the  farm.  'An,'  says  Hiram, 
'while  we  have  plenty  of  time,  we  will  have 
them  took,  an'  I  won't  have  to  lay  off  a  day 
next  summer  when  farm  work's  a-rushin'  to 
have  it  done.  'Spect  it  will  cost  like  sixty  out 
here  to  get  'em;  wouldn't  wonder  if  'twould 
cost  three  or  four  dollars  a  dozen.  The  last 
ones  we  had  took  in  that  photo  car  cost  two  a 
dozen,  but  I  never  liked  'em;  made  you  look 
as  big  as  a  bar'l,  an'  I  never  sensed  it  how  I 
really  did  look,  from  that  mole  on  my  ear 
stickin'  out,  an*  claimin'  all  the  attention. 
I'm  goin'  to  turn  sideways  this  time,  an'  have 
just  a  half  face  took,  so  as  that  mole  will  come 
on  'tother  side  of  my  face.  Mebby  if  you  was 


AT  STUDIO  STECKELL  59 

to  stand  sideways,  Pheba,  'twould  make  you 
look  slimmer  than  you  did  in  the  last  one.' 

"We  found  the  number,  an'  went  up  in  an 
elevator  into  a  nice  big  room  with  a  lot  of  pic- 
tures hangin'  on  the  wall.  A  couple  (man  an' 
his  wife,  I  guess,  fur  he  set  down  in  a  chair  an' 
never  offered  it  to  her),  was  a-lookin'  at  the 
pictures.  'There's  Maud  Blosoman,'  said  the 
woman,  lookin'  at  the  picture  of  a  long- 
featured  woman  in  a  white  dress  an'  big  black 
hat — picture  hat,  she  called  it,  but  I  know  they 
wear  'em  other  places  besides  to  have  their  pic- 
tures taken  in,  because  Herman's  wife  wore 
hers  whenever  she  took  a  notion.  'How  in  the 
world  Steckell  can  make  a  pretty  lookin'  pic- 
ture out  of  her,'  said  the  woman,  lookin'  at 
the  picture  hat  lady,  'an  still  have  it  look 
enough  like  her  to  know  her  without  bein'  told, 
is  beyond  me.  They  say,  though,  if  a  woman 
has  decent  eyes  an'  hair  an'  a  longish  neck  he 
can  do  the  rest ;  if  her  nose  is  long  he  tilts  her 
head  back,  an'  if  it's  snubby,  she  drops  her  face 
a  mite.' 

"  'Yes,'  answered  the  man,  ill-natured  like, 
'that's  the  reason  he  has  the  swellhead,  an' 


60  TOUE1ST  TALES  OF  CALIFOENIA 

charges  such  awful  prices.  Jest  so  long,'  says 
he,  'as  he  can  make  a  homely  woman  look 
pretty,  jest  so  long  will  the  vain  creatures  pat-  \ 
ronize  him.'  An'  havin'  relieved  his  feelin's, 
he  stroked  his  Vandyke  beard,  with  the  hand 
that  had  the  diamond  ring  on  it,  an'  admired 
hisself  in  a  long  lookin'  glass. 

"Bye  an'  bye,  a  pretty  girl,  with  the  big- 
gest pompadour  an'  the  straightest  front  waist 
I  ever  see,  come  out  from  behind  the  counter 
an'  told  us  our  turn  would  come  pretty  soon. 
'Twas  nearly  noon  an'  Hiram  was  gettin'  hun- 
gry, so  he  says  we  might  as  well  get  ready  an' 
not  keep  'em  waitin'  on  us,  so  he  moved  his 
chair  alongside  of  mine,  an*  while  I  looked 
full  faced  forward,  he  looked  half  faced  side- 
ways to  hide  his  mole.  Then  he  put  his  arm 
around  the  back  of  my  chair,  an'  tried  to  take 
one  of  my  hands  with  his  other  free  one ;  some- 
how I  felt  kind  of  silly  with  a  lot  of  folks 
lookin'  at  us,  an'  I  wouldn't  let  him. 

"  'What  ails  you?'  he  said.  'Do  you  want 
folks  at  home  to  think  we  ain't  on  friendly 
terms?  You  know  'twill  make  talk,  an'  be- 
sides we've  allays  had  our  pictures  taken  some 


AT  STUDIO  STECKELL  61 

sich  way.'  We  set  there  a  spell,  folks  a-lookin' 
in  at  us  kind  of  queer,  till  I  got  so  nervous 
that  Hiram's  hand,  hangin'  down  in  front  of 
my  shoulder,  looked  as  big  an'  brown  as  one 
of  them  little  California  hams. 

"After  a  while,  a  man  come  rushin'  out  of 
another  room  like  as  if  he  was  tryin'  to  catch 
a  train.  When  he  sees  us  settin'  there  already 
posed,  he  stopped  as  quick  as  if  he'd  been  shot, 
an'  stood  lookin'  at  us.  Hiram  was  cross,  an' 
he  says:  'Mebby  after  you've  looked  at  us  a 
year  or  two  you'll  hustle  'round  an'  take  our 
pictures!'  The  man,  after  chucklin'  to  hisself 
like,  said:  'This  is  the  reception  room;  come 
this  way.' 

"When  we  got  into  the  room  where  the  sky- 
light an'  things  was,  we  posed  ourselves  again, 
but  the  picture  man  rushed  up  an'  jerked 
Hiram's  arm  from  around  my  shoulder. 
'What  you  mean  by  that,  Mr.  Studio  Steckell, 
or  whatever  yer  name  is?'  says  Hiram,  red  in 
the  face.  'I  let  you  know  I  contracted  more 
than  thirty  years  ago  fur  the  right  to  put  my 
arm  'round  that  woman's  shoulder  whenever  I 
blamed  pleased.  Thought  she  was  a  bloomin' 


62  TOUEIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

stranger  I  picked  up  on  the  street  to  have  my 
picture  taken  with,  I  reckon ! ' 

"When  the  picture  man  went  out  fur  a  min- 
ute I  said:  'Let's  try  that  pose  we  have  in 
them  pictures  we  had  taken  before  we  was  mar- 
ried; you  settin'  an'  me  standin'  with  my  hand 
on  your  shoulder.'  I  always  liked  that  style, 
but  I'll  admit  it  does  make  a  man  look  smaller 
settin',  an'  a  woman  standin'  look  bigger. 
But  it  seems  to  be  an  unwritten  law  ever  since 
picture  takin'  was  invented  to  take  'em  that 
way,  an'  if  a  woman  don't  look  well  it's  one  of 
the  penalties  she  has  to  pay  fur  marryin'  a 
small  man.  Mebby  it's  comin'  in  style  now, 
though;  I  notice  they  are  makin'  all  them  Gib- 
son wimmen  bigger  than  the  men. 

"When  the  picture  man  come  back  an*  see 
us  fixed  that  way,  he  tore  around,  an'  grabbed 
off  Hiram's  hat  he  was  a-wearin'  to  hide  his 
bald  spot,  an'  pulled  my  hair  loose  around  my 
face  an'  bossed  us  around  till  Hiram  was  in 
fur  leavin'.  He  combed  Hiram's  hair  over  the 
bald  spot  an'  made  him  set  three-quarters  in- 
stead of  half  face. 

"  'What  are  you  grinnin'  about?'  he  asked 


Mebby  if  you  was  to  stand  side-ways,  Pheba,  'twould  make 
you  look  slimmer." 


AT  STUDIO  STECKELL  65 

Hiram.  'Why,'  says  Hiram,  'so  as  I'll  be 
ready  when  you  tell  me  to  look  pleasant,  of 
course.'  'If  you  call  that  lookin'  pleasant  I'ck 
hate  to  see  you  tickled  right  bad,'  said  Mr. 
Steckell. 

"Wall,  he  clawed  Hiram's  whiskers,  an' 
fixed  our  hands  natural  like,  an'  throwed  my 
lace  scarf  around  my  shoulders  an'  then  he 
said:  'Well,  I  guess  you  will  do  now,  but  as 
you  both  look  like  you  was  settin'  in  a  dentist's 
chair  ready  to  have  a  tooth  pulled,  I'd  advise 
you  to  think  of  something  funny  an'  get  that 
set  look  off  your  faces.  Now  think  of  the 
funniest  thing  you  ever  heard  or  saw,'  an'  he 
smiled  at  us  real  pleasant.  Just  then  Hiram 
bust  right  out  laf 'in*  till  you  could  a-heard  him 
a  block.  He  said  afterwards  he  got  to  thinkin' 
how  funny  I  looked  when  I  was  havin'  that 
movin'  picture  took. 

"When  we  showed  them  pictures  to  the 
folks  in  the  apartment  house,  their  opinions 
was  diversified.  One  oldish  feller,  who  had 
horses  on  the  brain,  told  Hiram  if  it  made  that 
much  difference  in  his  looks  to  be  groomed, 
he'd  advise  him  to  buy  a  curry  comb  an'  fix 


(56  TOUEIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

hisself  up  every  day.  He  said  I  looked  as 
pleased  with  myself,  with  my  head  reined  up, 
as  if  I'd  jest  come  under  the  pole  with  flyin' 
colors. 

"I  never  did  understand  race  track  talk; 
the  only  race  horse  I  ever  saw,  bein'  that  Jay 
See  Eye  they  had  down  to  the  State  Fair  once. 
So  I  took  the  pictures  away  an'  give  them  to 
the  rich  old  tourist  woman,  who  had  money  on 
the  brain,  to  look  at.  She  asked  how  much 
they  cost,  an'  said  there  was  no  fools  like  old 
fools — payin'  sich  a  price. 

"  Hiram  grumbled  a  good  deal  at  eighteen 
dollars  a  dozen.  But  talk  about  men  not  carin' 
how  they  look  in  pictures — Hiram  was  nearly 
tickled  to  death  when  he  see  his'n.  'Not  a 
mole,  or  squint,  an'  jest  enough  bald,'  he  said, 
'to  make  me  look  intellectual.'  An'  I'll  admit 
mine  looked  good  to  me,  too,  even  if  it  did 
flatter  me  a  bit.  When  Hiram  was  fixen  'em 
up  to  send  back  to  that  Lincoln  editor  he 
gazed  at'  em  proudly  fur  a  spell  an'  says :  "I'll 
bet  a  cookie,  Pheba,  there  won't  be  a  hand- 
somer couple  in  that  Lancaster  County  Atlas. 
Especially  amongst  the  men.'  " 


UNCLE  HIRAM,  EIGHT  FROM  THE  PRAIRIE  STATE, 
Is  STUMPED  BY  A  Two- ACRE  "FARM" — HAS 
A  MEAN  TRICK  PLAYED  ON  HIM,  BUT  GETS 
EVEN;  COMES  OUT  STRONG  AS  A  TENNIS 
PLAYER. 


AT  HERMAN'S 


f4T  GUESS  we  won't  get  interrupted  in 
A  our  talk  about  California  today,  Man- 
dy,"  observed  Aunt  Pheba  Harrison  as  she 
settled  herself  comfortably  for  a  chat.  "Your 
Uncle  Hiram  has  gone  to  Lincoln,  to  pay  the 
taxes,  an'  that  means  he  won't  be  home  till 
night. 

"After  we  got  through  seem'  some  of  the 
sights  in  Pasadena,  we  went  out  to  see  the  San 
Gabriel  Mission.  Hiram  was  so  worked  up 
an'  glad,  when  we  first  struck  the  corn  belt  in 
Nebraska,  an'  see  the  green  fields  of  corn 
a-wavin'  (just  as  though  anything  that  wan't 
nailed  down  wouldn't  wave  in  this  windy  coun- 
try) he  broke  out  in  poetry  an'  wrote  a  poem 
on  Nebraska.  He's  proud  of  it;  I  will  read 
it  to  you  after  a  while. 

"Well,  as  I  started  out  to  say,  if  anything 
would  ever  work  my  feelin's  up  to  the  poem- 


70  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

writin'  pitch,  'twould  be  them  green  hills  an' 
orange  groves  between  Pasadena  an'  the  Mis- 
sion. Hiram  grumbled  a  good  deal  about 
takin'  that  trip,  savin*  it  was  jest  a  fad 
folks  was  a-gettin'  down  in  California,  no  sin' 
round  amongst  old  mud  buildin's,  when  they 
could  see  the  very  latest  things  in  houses,  all 
around,  from  a  rose-covered  bungalow  to  a 
millionaire's  mansion.  But  I  had  my  way  for 
once,  an*  we  went,  an'  I  enjoyed  every  min- 
ute of  it,  too.  Near  the  Mission,  we  saw  a 
great  big  grape  vine,  fixed  up  on  a  trellis.  It 
covered  about  an  acre,  anyway,  that  was  what 
an  Englishman,  who  wore  a  cap  an'  had  a 
kodak  strapped  to  his  shoulder,  told  us.  But 
Hiram  told  him  to  shut  up  his  head — he  had 
been  in  California  too  long  to  believe  every  fool 
yarn  he  heard.  Then  the  Englishman  quit 
lookin'  at  the  grape  vine  an'  looked  at  Hiram, 
examinin'  him  through  a  round  glass,  like  as  if 
he  was  as  much  of  a  curiosity  as  them  dog- 
eatin*  Igorrotes  we  saw  at  the  Chutes.  Guess 
he  was  jest  weak  in  one  eye ;  anyway,  his  specks 
only  had  one  glass  in  them. 
"When  we  got  to  the  Mission,  there  was  a 


AT  HERMAN'S  71 

passel  of  tourists  women,  waitin'  to  go  through. 
Hiram  was  the  only  man  in  the  bunch,  so  he 
gave  the  guide,  or  whatever  they  call  him,  a 
quarter.  The  women  offered  him  a  nickel, 
but  he  said  real  short  like  that  a  dime  was  the 
smallest  sum  accepted.  He  was  so  disgusted 
with  the  crowd  for  bein'  so  stingy  that  he  took 
us  through  the  buildin'  nearly  on  the  run,  an' 
we  was  out  at  the  other  end  before  we  was  hard- 
ly in.  I  wanted  to  look  longer  at  them  old  an' 
valuable  paintin's,  but  Hiram  'lowed  he 
wouldn't  hang  'em  in  a  barn  if  he  could  afford 
new  ones;  he  never  did  appreciate  antique 
things;  says  he  can't  see  why  a  woman  will 
fuss  with  a  man  about  wearin'  his  old  clothes 
an'  then  want  faded  old  pictures  an'  sich. 

"Speakin'  of  old  clothes,  makes  me  think 
about  our  visit  to  his  nephew,  Herman  Harri- 
son. I  was  just  finishin'  packin'  our  trunk  to 
go  to  California,  when  in  comes  your  Uncle 
with  his  arm  full  of  old  clothes,  an  old  outing 
flannel  shirt  with  a  turn-over  collar,  an  old  pair 
of  duck  pants,  faded  white,  a  linen  duster  an' 
an  old  straw  hat  as  big  as  a  washtub.  I  tried 
to  coax  him  out  of  it,  but  you  might  as  well 


72  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

talk  to  a  mule  when  he  gets  old  clothes  on  the 
brain,  an'  he  said:  'I'm  takin'  them  things 
to  wear  out  on  Herman's  farm;  like  as  not  he 
will  be  shuckin'  corn,  or  thrashin'  or  drivin' 
hogs  to  market  while  we  are  there,  an'  it  will 
save  my  new  twenty-five  dollar  suit.  Mebby 
I'll  get  to  go  huntin'  too;  I  see  by  his  letter 
he  lives  out  in  the  woods,  between  Los  Angeles 
an'  Pasadena  in  the  Oak  Knoll  country.  Must 
be  timbered  or  they  wouldn't  a-named  it  that.' 

"Herman  met  us  at  the  station,  him  an'  his 
wife,  an'  a  handsomer,  kinder  couple  I  never 
saw.  They  used  to  be  real  poor.  Hiram  gave 
him  money  to  learn  to  be  a  lawyer,  an'  they 
are  real  well  fixed  now.  When  the  automobile 
stopped  in  front  of  a  beautiful  place  all  flowers, 
orange  trees,  an'  fountains,  Hiram  says:  'Yer 
machine  give  out?'  an'  Herman  says:  'No,  we 
are  home. ' 

"  'Home!'  gasped  Hiram;  'ain't  you  goin'  to 
the  farm?' 

"  'This  is  the  farm  I  was  writin'  to  you 
about,  Uncle,'  said  Herman;  'we  used  to  live 
in  Los  Angeles,  but  it  got  to  be  so  crowded, 
WP  bought  this  little  farm  of  two  acres.' 


AT  HERMAN'S  73 

"  'Two  acres!'  repeated  Hiram,  'well  if  this 
ain't  the  blamedest  country  for  big  things,  an' 
little  things.  "Where's  the  woods?' 

"Well,  it  would  take  all  day  to  tell  how 
Hiram  growled  about  that  farm;  I  was 
ashamed  of  him,  but  Herman  only  laughed. 
That  night,  after  the  lights  were  all  out,  we  sat 
at  our  bedroom  winder  an'  looked  out  on  the 
moonlit  world.  'It  is  beautiful,'  says  I,  as  I 
looked  at  the  shadders  playin'  over  the  grassy 
lawn;  at  the  trailin'  branches  of  a  pepper  tree 
guardin'  a  sparklin'  fountain;  at  two  motion- 
less palm  trees  guardin'  the  driveway. 

"  'Yes,  it's  purty,'  says  Hiram;  'too  purty. 
All  it  lacks  is  the  tombstones,  to  turn  it  into  a 
graveyard. ' 

"He  was  sore  yet  about  not  gettin'  to  shuck 
corn  an'  sich,  in  them  old  clothes,  but  I  was 
glad.  The  next  mornin'  was  Sunday  an' 
accordin'  to  the  custom  of  forty  years,  Hiram 
got  up  at  six  o'clock  an'  shaved  hisself.  There 
was  runnin'  water  an'  everything  handy  in  our 
bedroom,  but  your  Uncle  is  so  set  in  his  ways, 
he  would  go  down  to  the  kitchen  an'  hang  his 
shavin '  glass  by  an  east  winder,  like  he  does  at 


74  TOUBIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

home.  So  he  rolled  up  his  sleeves,  an'  rolled 
back  his  collar,  an'  let  his  galluses  hang  down 
his  back,  an'  went  down  the  back  stairs  in  his 
stockin'  feet  to  keep  from  wakin'  the  rest. 

"He  had  jest  got  his  face  all  lathered  up 
an'  his  head  thro  wed  back  an'  was  wavin'  his 
razor  around  to  dry  it,  when  a  white  aproned 
Chinaman  popped  in.  He  gave  Hiram  one 
look,  an'  with  a  screech  of  terror  he  started 
on  the  dead  run  through  the  dinin'  room,  over- 
turnin'  the  chairs,  an'  up  the  stairs  three  steps 
at  a  jump  yellin':  'Glazy  man!  clazy  man  in 
kitchen;  clut  John's  thloat  with  lazor!' 

"Herman  sprang  out  of  bed  to  the  rescue, 
an*  when  I  got  to  the  kitchen,  he  was  leanin' 
up  against  the  wall  laughin'  fit  to  kill  hisself. 

"It  seemed  the  Chinaman  cook  didn't  know 
there  was  visitors,  bein'  as  how  we  got  there 
late  the  night  before.  He  never  got  over  his 
scare,  but  would  jump  a  foot  if  Hiram  would 
speak  to  him  suddenly,  all  the  time  we  was 
there. 

"After  we  finished  our  visit  at  Herman's, 
we  went  to  a  nice  big  hotel  on  the  outskirts  of 
Los  Angeles.  They  had  tennis  grounds  there 


AT  HERMAN'S  75 

an'  your  Uncle  learned  to  play  tennis.  You 
needn't  laugh,  for  he  learned  to  play  with  the 
best  of  them  in  no  time,  bein'  quick  an'  nimble 
for  a  man  of  his  years.  The  only  thing  that 
bothered  him  was  the  way  the  other  players 
dressed  in  white  flannels  an'  sich. 

"I  went  out  to  watch  them  one  mornin';  an' 
bless  you!  if  there  wan't  your  Uncle,  prancin' 
around  in  them  clothes  he  brought  to  wear  on 
Herman's  farm.  He  had  bought  him  some 
bright  red  sox  an'  had  borrowed  my  big  felt 
slippers  I  wear  in  my  room  to  rest  my  feet  of 
an  evenin'.  Besides,  he  had  on  that  big  straw 
hat  an'  my  white  embroidered  belt,  that  be- 
longed to  my  shirt  waist. 

"A  boy  played  a  mean  trick  on  him,  too,  at 
that  hotel,  an'  guess  he  wished  afterwards  he 
hadn't.  The  boy  was  his  mother's  pet  an'  a 
meaner,  more  disagreeable  child  I  never  saw. 
When  Hiram  was  real  tired  after  playin'  ten- 
nis, he  would  go  to  sleep  in  a  big  chair  on 
the  porch.  Well,  you  know  Eow  your  Uncle 
snores;  so,  when  he  got  good  an*  sound  asleep, 
that  boy  put  one  of  them  easy  blowin*  whistles 
in  Hiram's  moutK. 


76  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

"It  was  funny,  I'll  admit  that,  to  see  him 
layin'  there  asleep,  an'  bio  win'  that  whistle  to 
beat  the  band.  Folks  laughed  so  hard  it  woke 
him  up,  an'  he  come  near  swallowin'  the  whistle 
an'  chokin'  to  death.  He  knowed  who  done 
it,  an'  when  he  got  through  coughin'  he  lit  into 
'mamma's  pet,'  who  was  enjoyin'  hisself  furst 
rate,  an'  paddled  him  till  he  saw  stars. 
Mamma  threatened  to  sue  an'  says:  'Do  you 
know,  sir,  the  fine  for  this  offense  is  twenty- 
five  dollars?' 

"  'All  right,  madam,'  says  Hiram,  'I'm  open 
to  all  the  engagements  for  sich  exercise  you 
want  to  contract  fur  at  that  price.  I  believe 
in  folks  spendin'  money  for  what  they  enjoy 
best.' 

"I  wouldn't  dare  to  tell  him  so,  but  all  the 
same  I  laugh  yet  to  myself  when  I  happen  to 
think  how  he  looked,  so  sober  an'  sound  asleep, 
settin'  there  a  -whistlin'  like  a  schoolboy. 

"Well,  it's  gettin'  late;  I'll  read  you  your 
Uncle's  poem,  an'  then  I  must  get  supper;  it's 
headed — 


AT  HEEMAN  'S  77 

"A  EETUENED  TOUBIST." 
"I've  been  tourin'  'round  a  spell,  an'  tho't  I'd 

like  to  tell 
'Bout  the  folks  who  think  they  own  the  sun 

an'  moon. 
When  they  bragged  from  morn  till  late  of  the 

beauties  of  their  State, 
I  kept  thinkin'  of  the  Prairie  State  in  June. 

"They  would  tell  of  sunshine  bright,  an'  of 

mountain  tops  so  white, 
An'  of  orange  groves  an'  mockin'  birds  in 

tune. 
All  the  while  I  seemed  to  hear  the  meadow 

lark  so  clear 

Go   singin'  through  the  Prairie  State  in 
June. 

"At  a  swell  hotel  one  day,  I  just  up  an'  had 

my  say, 

To  the  chap  who  et  his  orange  with  a  spoon ; 
An'  he  owned  I'd  won  the  race  when  I  asked 

him  face  to  face, 
If  he'd  ever  seen  the  Prairie  State  in  June. 


78  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

"When  my  days  on  earth  are  past  an  *  I  go  to 

rest  at  last, 
Be  the  summons  late  or  be  the  summons 

soon, 
I  will  rest  contented  there  in  that  land  so 

bright  an'  fair, 

If  it's  something  like  the  Prairie  State  in 
June." 


AUNT  PHEBA  HAS  HER  OPINION  OF  SOCIETY 
FOLKS,  AND  Is  SLIGHTLY  CONFUSED  BY  DIS- 
TINCTIONS INVOLVED  IN  SOCIETY  TERMS  OF 
*  *  WEEK-END-GUEST  ' '  ORDER  —  PRESERVES 
HER  " POWER  OF  SPEECH"  AND  AVOIDS  EM- 
BARRASSMENT. 


AT  LONG  BEACH 


ttT  'M  RIGHT  glad  you  stayed  all  night, 
JL  Mandy,  for  it's  rainin'  tins  mornin' 
till  you  can't  see  across  the  yard,"  said  Aunt 
Pheba;  "an'  if  I  ever  enjoy  visitin'  one  time 
better 'n  another,  it's  on  a  day  like  this.  Speak- 
in'  of  visitin',  makes  me  think  of  a  woman 
named  Mrs.  Eobson  who  was  visitin '  at  Her- 
man Harrison's,  out  Pasadena  way,  when  we 
did.  She  had  a  spectacle  eye  glass  stuck  on 
a  little  stick,  an'  she'd  look  at  me  an'  Hiram 
through  that  glass,  like  the  professor  the 
government  sent  out  to  examine  the  pests  that 
was  destroyin'  the  wheat  fields  in  Nebraska 
used  to  examine  the  bugs  under  a  magnifyin' 
glass.  They  called  her  a  house  guest,  but  what 
difference  there  is  between  a  house  guest  an' 
an  ordinary  visitor  I  can't  fur  the  life  of  me 
see. 
"Then  some  more  dressy  folks  came  out 

81 


82  TOUBIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

from  one  of  the  big  hotels  in  Los  Angeles  to 
stay  over  Sunday.  They  called  'em  'week- 
end visitors,'  but  as  the  most  of  'em  stayed 
from  one  Friday  to  the  next,  which  end  of  the 
week  they  was  talkin'  about  I  don't  know. 

"I  must  say  the  most  of  'em  used  us  real 
well.  I  wore  my  black  silk  dress  for  every 
day,  an'  Herman's  wife  put  some  lace  an' 
things  on  me  an'  some  lavender  ribbon  in  my 
hair  every  night  before  we  et  supper.  She 
said  with  my  white  hair,  an'  clear  complexion, 
I  looked  sweet  in  lavender.  Of  course  that 
sounds  conceity,  but  I'm  just  tellin'  what  she 
said. 

"Hiram  wore  his  best  things,  an'  let  the 
barber  trim  his  hair  an'  whiskers  for  the  first 
time  in  his  life.  The  'week-end'  folks  called 
him  'quaint'  an'  a  good  'character  study,'  which 
Hiram  'lowed  was  only  a  polite  way  they  had 
of  callin'  him  green. 

"Well,  I  must  say  that  society  folks  ain't 
so  awful  stuck  up  after  all,  when  you  get  ac- 
quainted with  'em.  One  old  crabbit  bachelor 
went  round  scowlin'  at  every  one,  from  suf- 
ferin*  with  corns,  till  he  had  to  wear  carpet 


AT  LONG  BEACH  83 

slippers.  Some  one  tramped  on  his  corns  one 
night  an'  he  yelled  till  you  could  a-heard  him 
a  block;  then  he  seemed  real  ashamed  an'  went 
off  in  a  corner  by  hisself.  I  went  over  an' 
coaxed  him  to  rub  them  corns,  three  nights 
hand  runnin',  with  dandelion  roots.  Well,  he 
did,  an'  in  a  week  he  was  sprintin'  round  in 
patent  leather  shoes,  an*  turned  out  to  be  a 
real  good-lookin'  man.  An'  the  funniest  part 
of  it  was,  that  the  good-lookin'  widow  who 
laughed  at  them  slippers,  got  to  goin'  with  him, 
when  he  quit  wear  in'  'em,  an'  Herman's  wife 
writes  me  they  are  goin'  to  make  a  match  of  it. 
"Well,  as  I  said,  I  got  on  furst  rate  with 
all  of  'em  but  that  house  guest  woman,  a  Mrs. 
Eobson.  She  never  offered  to  do  a  lick  of 
work  all  the  time  she  was  there,  not  even  to 
make  her  own  bed,  or  wipe  the  dishes.  Of 
course,  there  was  lots  of  servants,  but  I  don't 
think  it's  any  more'n  manners  to  offer.  Pre- 
tended like  as  if  she  never  see  the  inside  of  a 
kitchen,  an'  none  of  her  folks,  either;  they  was 
big  folks  to  hear  her  tell  it.  Her  huband  was 
a  doctor  an'  she  was  one  of  them  silly  society 
creatures,  I've  read  about,  but  never  see  be- 


84  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

fore ;  one  of  the  kind  that  would  carry  a  Teddy 
Bear  or  a  squallin'  pig  around  if  she  see  some- 
body she  thought  was  a  little  bigger  than  her- 
self doin'  of  it. 

"One  evenin'  at  dinner  she  happened  to 
mention  the  street  an*  number  where  she  lived 
in  Los  Angeles.  Hiram  pricked  up  his  ears 
an'  says:  'That  street  and  number  sounds 
natural  to  me  somehow.'  'Oh,  yes/  he  says, 
pullin'  a  card  out  of  his  pocket,  'that's  the 
number  an'  street  an'  the  name  of  the  folks 
that  Hester,  our  hired  girl,  give  us  an'  told  us 
to  be  sure  an'  go  to  see.  So  you  are  "Cousin 
Emma"  out  Westlake  way  that  Hester's  been 
talkin'  so  much  about,  an'  tellin'  what  big 
times  you  used  to  have  runnin'  barefoot  on 
that  loway  farm,  be  you?  Hester  says  if 
you'd  find  her  a  good  place  to  cook,  she'd  come 
out  next  year.  We  hate  to  lose  her  tho;  she's 
the  best  cook  we  ever  had.  I'll  write  our  ad- 
dress on  this  card  an'  you  can  tell  her  you  saw 
us.' 

"While  Hiram  was  talkin',  Mrs.  Bobson 
had  turned  most  all  the  colors  of  the  rainbow ; 
an'  the  'week-end'  party,  after  castin'  a  few 


AT  LONG  BEACH  85 

amused  glances  round  at  each  other,  tried  to 
turn  the  subject  by  all  commencin'  to  talk  at 
once  'bout  the  automobile  hill  climb  which 
was  comin*  off  at  Altadena  next  day.  No  thin' 
was  said  further,  fur  I  tromped  Hiram's  foot, 
an'  incidentally  his  corn,  under  the  table,  an' 
give  him  something  else  to  think  about;  but  I 
noticed  Hester's  'Cousin  Emma'  wan't  near 
so  'airy'  the  rest  of  the  evenin'  an'  next  morn- 
in'  she  left.  We  see  her  once  again  at  Long 
Beach  in  an  automobile,  but  she  never  let  on 
she  ever  see  us  before. 

"Yes,  we  stayed  down  to  Long  Beach  till 
Hiram  got  hurt  in  the  swimmin'  tank  an'  then 
we  went  back  to  Los  Angeles  a  spell.  He 
wasn't  hurt  much.  A  woman,  who  weighed 
nearly  two  hundred  pounds,  got  into  the  tank 
for  a  swim  'long  with  us,  but  after  a  bit  noth- 
ing would  do  but  she  must  get  up  an'  slide 
down  that  slippery  slide  into  the  water.  The 
last  time  she  slid  down,  me  an'  your  Uncle  hap- 
pened to  be  right  in  her  way,  an'  he  bein'  near- 
est  got  the  full  force  of  the  blow,  as  she  come 
shootin'  down  feet  foremost,  an'  knocked  the 
senses  out  of  him  in  a  jiffy. 


86  TOUBIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

"We  got  him  out  an'  took  him  to  the  hotel 
an'  he  was  as  smart  as  ever  next  day,  but  I 
could  never  get  him  to  put  on  another  bathin' 
suit  or  go  in  swimmin'  again.  He  said:  'If 
the  wimmen  folks  are  bound  to  run  everything 
from  a  automobile  to  a  barber  shop  in  Cali- 
fornia, let  'em.  Fur  my  part,'  he  said,  'I'm 
gettin'  tired  of  bein'  crowded  out  of  everything 
an'  playin'  second  fiddle  in  gineral  to  a  passel 
of  wimmen. ' 

"Then  he  got  awful  nervous  about  centi- 
pedes an'  creepin'  things,  after  he  got  stung 
with  that  stingarie.  Of  course,  all  the  other 
bathers  laughed  at  him,  an'  one  day  two  young 
chaps,  who  boarded  where  we  did,  thought 
they'd  have  some  fun  with  him.  He  always 
lay  down  on  the  warm  sand  after  his  bath,  an* 
takin'  off  them  rubber  boots  I  was  tellin'  you 
about,  go  to  sleep.  When  he  got  real  sound 
asleep  one  day,  they  took  the  skeleton  of  a  fish, 
just  the  bones  you  know,  an'  wrappin'  some 
colored  cords  around  it,  an'  puttin'  horns  on  it, 
they  made  it  look  something  fearful.  They 
then  got  some  stickfast  glue  an'  stuck  it  onto 
your  Uncle's  leg  just  below  the  knee.  I  was 


A  fat  woman  slid  down  one  of  them  slides  an'  nearly  knocked 
the  senses  out  of  your  Uncle  Hiram. ' ' 


AT  LONG  BEACH  39 

about  asleep  myself  that  day,  an'  the  first  I 
knew  of  it  I  heard  him  hollerin':  'Centipede! 
tarantular  I  scorpion!'  an'  kickin'  out  one  of  his 
legs  tryin'  to  shake  the  thing  off  till  you'd 
a-thought  he  was  practicin'  some  kind  of  a  new- 
fangled rag-time  cake  walk. 

"One  of  the  chaps  that  had  a  hand  in  it, 
seein'  how  scairt  Hiram  was,  run  up  an'  pulled 
the  thing,  together  with  some  skin,  off  Hiram's 
leg  an'  throwed  it  into  the  ocean.  Then 
Hiram  hurried  to  the  hotel,  tellin'  everyone 
he  met  he'd  bin  bit  by  some  pizenous  critter, 
an'  spent  all  afternoon  bathin'  the  red  place 
on  his  leg  with  liniment,  an'  altho'  he  is  a  pro- 
hibitionist at  home,  he  drank  a  pint  of  whisky 
to  keep  the  pizen  from  spreadin*.  He  never 
could  see  the  joke,  an'  tells  folks  back  here  how 
near  he  come  bein'  et  up  with  a  centipede  out 
in  California.  After  a  while,  your  Uncle  got 
so  tired  of  store  cookin',  as  he  called  it,  that 
nothin'  would  do  but  we  must  go  to  housekeep- 
in'  a  while.  He  seemed  to  pine  for  lye  hominy 
an'  homemade  bread  an'  sich.  Said  he'd  like 
to  see  how  an  old  hen  that  hadn't  ben  in  cold 
storage,  with  her  hoofs  an'  head  on,  since  the 


90  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

Spanish  war,  would  taste,  with  dumplin's,  once 
more. 

" After  lookin'  high  an'  low  fur  a  house- 
keepin'  place,  we  took  our  life  in  our  hands, 
an'  rid  up  a  little  mountain,  in  a  contraption 
called  the  Angel's  Flight.  Hiram  stood  in  the 
door  ready  to  jump  if  anything  give  way.  but 
we  lived  to  reach  the  top  an'  was  real  pleased 
with  the  looks  of  the  neighborhood  out  that 
way.  We  found  a  place  at  last  in  what  they 
call  an  apartment  house  out  there ;  all  fixed  up 
like  a  big  hotel,  only  they  rent  you  a  parlor  an' 
a  kitchen  'long  with  the  bedroom. 

"Kind  of  a  queer-lookin'  woman  showed  us 
the  rooms  an'  I  guess  she  was  a  little  off,  be- 
cause she  kept  callin'  the  rooms  sweets.  They 
was  nice,  clean  furnished  rooms,  but  I  couldn't 
see  anything  very  sweet  about  them.  We  took 
the  rooms  fur  a  month  anyway,  an'  went  to 
housekeepin'  right  away.  Hiram  went  to  see 
about  the  trunks  an'  I  went  to  see  about  the 
groceries  an'  things.  My!  it  seemed  nice  to  be 
buyin'  lettuce,  an'  spring  chicken  an'  ripe  cher- 
ries, that  time  in  the  year.  The  provisions  an' 


AT  LONG  BEACH  91 

me  got  there  just  the  same  time  an'  I  showed 
the  boy  where  to  take  'em. 

"I  peeped  into  the  front  room  an'  see  Hiram 
had  beat  me  home;  he  was  layin'  on  the  lounge 
with  a  paper  over  his  face  fast  asleep.  It  just 
fags  him  all  out  to  look  fur  rooms.  Says  he'd 
ruther  take  a  hand  at  thrashin'  any  day  than 
tramp  around  lookin'  fur  rooms;  said  he 
guessed  women  enjoyed  it,  as  it  give  'em  a 
chance  to  snoop  around  an'  see  how  other 
women  had  things  fixed.  ' Lookin'  fur  rooms,' 
says  he,  'is  mighty  small  business  fur  a  able- 
bodied  man.* 

"We  didn't  expect  to  cook  till  next  mornin', 
but  seein'  them  groceries  an'  pots  an'  pans  jest 
made  my  hands  itch  to  get  up  a  good  meal. 
Seein'  your  Uncle  so  sound  asleep,  I  concluded 
to  surprise  him  by  having  supper  ready  when 
he  woke  up.  He  never  used  to  say  much  about 
my  cookin',  till  we  got  to  boardin'  out,  but 
after  a  few  months  even  the  tony  places  like 
the  Coronado  at  San  Diego  seemed  to  get 
tiresome. 

"I  remember  him  sayin'  one  day  when  we 
was  eatin'  there:  'I  don't  think  Mrs.  Coro- 


92  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

nado  can  cook  one  mite  better  than  you  can, 
Pheba.'  I  heard  the  girl,  who  wore  a  fluffy 
blue  dress,  an'  was  eatin'  near  by,  snicker  into 
her  handkerchief,  an'  I  says:  'I  don't  suppose 
Mrs.  Coronado  any  more  than  goes  ahead  with 
things;'  but  Hiram  'lowed  if  'twas  left  to 
wasteful  hired  girls  things  would  go  to  rack  an' 
ruin  in  no  time.  'A  man  would  soon  break  up 
in  a  place  like  this,'  says  he,  'less  his  wife  took 
holt  in  the  kitchen.' 

4 'But  to  get  back  to  my  own  supper;  I  had 
fried  chicken  an'  cream  gravy,  an'  lettuce  fixed 
farmer's  style,  with  ham  fryin's  an'  vinegar, 
mashed  potato,  an'  cherry  pie.  Hiram  says 
he'd  as  soon  eat  machine  oil  as  olive  oil  on  his 
victuals.  When  everything  was  ready,  I  went 
to  call  Hiram.  He  was  still  asleep  an'  I  went 
up  kind  of  gay  like  an'  jerked  the  paper  off 
his  face. 

"Mandy,  you  could  a-knocked  me  down  with 
a  feather.  There,  instead  of  Hiram,  laid  a  man 
with  a  big  white  moustache,  an'  a  goatee  as 
long  as  a  billy  goat's — 'twas  the  stiff est  mous- 
tache an'  the  pintedest  goatee  I  ever  saw;  the 
rest  of  his  face  was  red.  We  stared  at  each 


AT  LONG  BEACH  93 

other  a  spell,  an'  then  he  said  kind  of  drawly 
like:  'Madam,  may  I  inquire  why  you  are 
honorin'  my  apartments  with  your  presence?' 

"I  never  lose  the  power  of  speech  fur  any 
great  length  of  time,  so  I  answered:  'I 
shouldn't  wonder  if  you  have  blundered  into 
the  wrong  apartments  yourself,  an'  you  had 
better  get  out  of  here  before  Hiram  Harrison 
comes,  or  there  might  be  trouble.' 

"Just  then  I  heard  Hiram's  voice  out  in  the 
hall  askin'  if  anyone  had  seen  me;  I  opened 
the  door  an'  an  astonisheder  man  I  never  saw; 
but  the  old  billy  goat  was  right ;  I  had  made  a 
mistake  in  the  room;  not  only  the  room,  but 
I  had  rid  up  in  the  elevator  one  floor  too  high 
an'  our  rooms  were  right  under  us.  The  joke 
was  on  me  that  time  sure.  Seems  that  Col. 
Norton  wanted  a  sunny  room  an'  to  get  it  took 
the  whole  three.  Bein'  a  bachelor  he  didn't 
have  any  use  for  the  kitchen,  of  course. 

"Well,  I  put  Hiram  to  work  helpin'  me 
gather  up  our  things,  but  he  was  hungry  an' 
when  he  see  that  supper  spread  out  there,  he 
refused  to  budge  till  he  et  it,  Colonel  or  no 
Colonel. 


94       TOUBIST  TALES  OF  CALIFOBNIA 

"While  we  was  arguin',  the  Colonel  come 
walkin'  toward  the  kitchen,  as  straight  as  if  he 
was  marchin'  to  martial  music.  He  stood  in 
the  kitchen  door  an*  sniffin'  the  air  said:  'By 
George,  I  smell  Johnny  cake,  an*  wilted  let- 
tuce, Southern  style;  Maryland  biscuit,  an' 
fried  chicken  an'  gravy,  as  sure  as  I'm  alive. 
Don't  tell  me  I'm  drearmV  of  the  Sunny 
South,  but  invite  me  to  a  chance  at  that  din- 
nah.' 

"By  this  time,  we  was  all  in  a  good  humor 
an'  I  must  say  the  Colonel,  who,  by  the  way, 
Hiram  fit  in  the  rebellion,  was  real  good  com- 
pany, even  if  he  did  bow  an'  compliment  me 
on  my  cookin'  every  few  minutes.  Found  out 
afterwards  he  was  a  Southerner  was  the  reason 
he  talked  so  funny  an'  didn't  use  any  r's  in 
his  words.  'Twan't  the  last  meal  he  et  with 
us  an'  I  thought,  as  I  see  the  two  men  enjoyin' 
themselves,  that  good  cookin'  took  with  the 
men  folks  all  over  the  world." 


UNCLE  HIRAM  WRITES  FOR  THE  LINCOLN  PAPER 
AND  TOUCHES  UP  FORMER  NEIGHBORS,  CITY 
GOVERNMENT,  WATER  SUPPLY,  ETC. — ORNA- 
MENTS FOR  OFFICE. 


LETTERS  HOME 


UT>EFORE  we  started  to  California, 
-U  Mandy,"  said  Aunt  Pheba  Harrison, 
"Hiram  promised  the  editor  of  the  'Farmer's 
Guide'  at  Lincoln  to  write  a  letter  back  to  the 
paper  tellin'  about  things  out  there.  The  edi- 
tor said  fur  Hiram  to  head  the  letter,  '  Califor- 
nia frum  a  Nebraska  Farmer's  Standpoint,' 
an'  jest  give  him  the  main  facts  an'  figgers 
about  sich  subjects  as  Former  Neighbors,  City 
Government,  Water  Supply,  Agriculture  an' 
Stock-Raisin'  and  sich  topics.  'Then,'  says  he 
to  Hiram,  'I  will  fix  it  up  in  shape  to  be  pub- 
lished,' meanin'  I  suppose,  he  would  fix  up  the 
grammer,  an'  spell  the  words  right  Hiram  had 
missed. 

"So  one  day,  when  we  couldn't  go  sight- 
seein'  fur  the  rain,  Hiram  got  out  his  writin' 
materials  an'  said:  'Now,  Pheba,  while  you 
haint  got  the  gift  of  writin',  nor  the  flowin' 

97 


98  TOUEIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

style  of  language  that  looks  good  in  print, 
compared  to  me,  I  must  admit  that  you  will 
come  in  handy  pintin'  out  an'  helpin'  me,  on 
facts  an'  figgers,  regardin'  this  country.'  He 
commenced  the  letter  by  writin'  with  a  bold 
flourishin'  hand  at  the  top  of  the  page,  'Cali- 
fornia from  a  Farmer's  Standpint,  by  Hiram 
Harrison. ' 

"  'That  name  will  look  well  in  print,'  says 
he,  surveyin'  it  with  satisfaction.  'Good  name, 
too,  Pheba;  did  you  ever  sense  that?  Presi- 
dents an'  mayors  an*  road  supervisors  have 
bore  that  name,  'thout  disgracin'  it.  Honest, 
Pheba,  did  you  ever  know  any  doers  of  notor- 
ious deeds  named  Harrison?'  he  asked. 

"I've  known  lots  of  Harrisons  that  would 
never  set  the  river  afire,  but  as  the  letter  was 
a-weightin'  heavily  on  my  mind,  I  answered 
absently:  'No;'  an'  he  said:  'Now  fur  that 
first  topic.  What  former  neighbor  will  I  tackle 
first?'  'Why,'  says  I,  'anyone  you  happen 
to  think  of.'  'How  would  Dave  Higginson  do?' 
says  he. 

"Now,  Dave  Higginson  comes  about  the 
nearest  bein'  nuthin'  in  the  shape  of  a  man  I 


LETTERS  HOME  99 

ever  knowed,  but  not  wantin'  to  put  a  damper 
on  his  flow  of  idees  I  said:  'Jest  dot  down 
any  inter estin'  fact  you  know  about  Dave;'  an* 
he  wrote:  'Former  neighbors  of  Dave  Hig- 
ginson  may  be  glad  to  hear  he  is  stuck  here 
fur  good;'  then  stopped.  He  bit  the  end  of 
his  penholder  an'  wriggled  around  in  his  chair 
an*  run  his  fingers  through  his  hair,  but  he 
couldn't  squeeze  out  another  fact  about  our 
'former  neighbor.'  'Pheba,'  says  he,  'hain't 
you  got  any  facts  to  fit  the  subject  at  hand? 
I  thought  wimmen  always  found  out  things 
about  their  neighbors,  bein's  they  talk  so  much.' 

"  'My  tho'ts  don't  seem  to  be  flowin'  any 
freer  than  yourn,'  says  I;  but  after  thinkin'  a 
bit,  I  asked:  'What  was  you  an'  Dave  talkin' 
about  t'other  dayf 

"  'Good,'  says  Hiram,  brightenin'  up,  an'  he 
wrote:  'Dave  Higginson  seems  to  be  gettin' 
along  furstrate  fur  him;  said  he  borrered  five 
hundred  dollars  out  of  the  bank  last  week 
which  was  somethin'  he  never  could  a-done  at 
home.' 

"  'Ain't  there  any  other  former  neighbors T' 
says  I.  'Dave  Higginsen's  affairs  don't  seem 


100  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

to  make  extra  good  readin',  specially  when  it's 
comin'  out  in  cold  type.  Mebby  they'd  like  to 
hear  about  that  Nebraska  picnic  we  went  to 
t'other  day!'  an'  grabbin'  his  pen  like  an  in- 
spired poet,  he  wrote:  'Attended  a  Nebraska 
picnic  at  Eastlake  Park  an'  saw  a  lot  of  folks 
who  never  hear  tell  of  me  before.  They  had 
little  books  tied  to  trees,  each  tree  playin'  like 
it  was  a  county.  A  feller  would  rush  up  to 
his  county  tree,  an*  read  the  names  an'  write 
his  own;  then  turn  round  an'  shake  hands  with 
whoever  happened  to  be  standin'  there  an' 
mebby  say:  "What  part  of  Nebraska  are  you 
from!"  An'  mebby  the  other  man  would 
answer:  "I'm  frum  Broken  Bow,  in  Ouster 
County,"  an*  the  other  man  would  think  a  bit 
an'  say:  "Ever  know  a  man  named  Smith  out 
there!"  An'  the  Broken  Bow  in  Ouster  County 
man  would  answer:  "Let's  see,  smallish  man, 
with  chin  whiskers."  "Yes,  sir;  same  Smith," 
says  the  other  man,  beamin'  at  the  remarkable 
coincerdence,  an'  they  both  feel  real  at  home 
with  each  other  over  the  mutual  acquaintance. 
Then  the  two  men  laff  an'  talk  quite  a  spell 
over  Smith's  peculiarities,  till  finally  the 


LETTERS  HOME  101 

Broken  Bow  man  says:  "Too  bad  Smith  had 
to  lose  his  third  wife,"  an'  the  other  man, 
lookin'  real  astonished,  says:  "Smith  married? 
Well,  it's  been  three  or  four  years  since  I  see 
him.  Any  children  ?  "  ' '  Twelve, ' '  answered  the 
Broken  Bow  man  an*  they  both  gaze  at  each 
other  in  wonder.  Well,  anyhow  they  find  out 
at  last  that  they  have  both  been  talkin'  all  this 
time  bout  a  different  Smith,  so  they  kind  of 
sheepishly  turn  the  subject  to  tornadoes,  bum- 
per crops,  an'  lunch  baskets.' 

"  ' There,'  says  he,  layin'  down  his  pen  an' 
moppin'  his  forehead  with  a  handkerchief;  'I 
call  that  a  pretty  good  starter.  Now  fur  the 
next  topic,  Agriculture;'  an'  he  wrote:  *  Every- 
thing in  the  way  of  farmin'  is  done  in  this 
country  either  on  the  biggest  or  littlest  scale 
you  ever  see.  Some  farms  no  bigger  than  city 
lots,  an'  then  agin  some  of  their  ranches  are 
measured  by  square  miles  instid  of  acres. 
Everything  they  raise  is  either  big  er  little; 
oranges  half  as  big  as  your  head,  er  the  size 
of  a  thimble.  I  saw  a  grape  vine  that  kivered 
an  acre  an'  the  bunches  of  grapes  are  some- 


102  TOUBIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

thing  fierce.  Saw  one  two  foot  long  an*  one 
foot  across.' 

"  *  How's  that?'  says  Hiram,  lookin'  pleased 
with  hisself.  'Purty  good/  says  I,  'only  I 
think  you  overdrawed  that  bunch  of  grapes  a 
little,  cause  when  I  looked  clost  I  could  see 
where  they  had  tied  a  dozen  bunches  together 
with  twine  string  jest  to  fool  folks,  for  a  joke.' 
'Shucks,'  says  Hiram,  scowlin'  at  the  writin', 
'if  you  are  goin'  to  pick  over  an'  investigate 
every  fact  I  set  down,  you  are  goin'  to  take  all 
the  snap  outen  this  letter,  an'  the  editor  will 
twist  it  up  and  throw  it  in  the  waste  bag.' 
'Waste  basket,  you  mean,'  says  I;  an'  pre- 
tendin'  not  to  hear  me,  he  says:  'Where  was 
I  when  you  interfered  with  my  grape  story? 
Oh,  yes,  I  was  a-goin  to  write  what  that  fellar 
told  us  about  his  wilier  cane  takin'  root,  but  I 
reckon  it's  no  use  to  write  anything,  accordin' 
to  you,  I  can't  make  affidavit  to.' 

"  'Garden  patches  are  so  scarce  in  Los  An- 
geles they  are  havin'  roof  gardens  made  on  the 
top  of  some  of  the  highest  buildin's,'  he  wrote. 
'Hope  you  ain't  goin'  to  contradict  that  when 
I  have  Herman's  word  fur  it?'  'We  went  out 


LETTEES  HOME  103 

to  the  Baldwin  ranch,  an'  see  some  fine  stock,' 
he  wrote.  'Stock  all  look  well  in  these  parts, 
except  hogs, — in  fact  I  hain't  see  a  handsome 
three  hundred  pound,  corn-fed  porker  since  I 
left  home.  I've  been  inquirin'  about  the  city- 
government  in  Los  Angeles,  an'  they  tell  me 
'twould  take  an  expert  to  figger  out  the  inside 
workin's  of  that  body  politic.  They  say  they 
start  out  with  two  tickets  an'  parties,  then  each 
party  divides  itself  up,  an'  when  they  com- 
mence fightin'  each  other,  the  fun  is  on.  I  guess 
things  are  run  'bout  like  they  are  in  other  big 
places;  they  say,  though,  they  voted  one  man 
into  office  once,  an'  on  second  tho't,  voted  him 
out  agin.  If  sich  a  custom  was  to  become  gin- 
eral,  wouldn't  it  scare  some  of  them  Lincoln 
fellers  stiff  f 

"  'Over  in  Pasadena  things  are  different; 
there  are  so  many  men  there  who  would  be 
ornaments  to  any  office  you  couldn't  throw  a 
stone  'thout  hittin'  one.  A  Pasadena  man  told 
me  he  thought  'twould  be  a  good  idee  to  let  the 
voters  draw  cuts,  or  numbers,  fur  the  office,  an' 
save  the  expense  of  an  election.  Sich  talk 
speaks  well  fur  any  town.' 


104  TOUEIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

"  'Now  fur  the  water  works  topic,'  says 
Hiram,  an'  he  wrote:  'They  use  the  Los  An- 
geles river  water  to  drink  here,  an'  frum  the 
looks  of  said  river  I  should  say  she  was  about 
drunk  dry.' 

"  'What  about  that  Owens  Eiver  business  we 
see  so  much  about  in  the  papers?'  says  I.  On 
comparin'  notes  we  both  found  out  we  were 
awful  ignorant  on  the  Owens  River  question, 
so  Hiram  laid  aside  his  pen  an'  went  out  into 
the  office  to  inquire  into  the  subject  a  little. 
The  first  man  he  asked  was  in  a  hurry  to  ketch 
a  street  car,  but  he  said  they  are  bringin'  that 
river  down  frum  the  mountains,  miles  an' 
miles,  to  supply  the  city  with  water,  because 
before  long  there  was  goin'  to  be  a  million 
people  drinkin'  Los  Angeles  water.  The  man 
flew  out  after  his  car,  an'  Hiram,  astonished 
at  the  big  figgers,  said  to  a  jolly-lookin'  fellar, 
who  was  a  listener  to  the  conversation:  'What 
did  he  mean  about  a  million  folks  drinkin'  Los 
Angeles  water;  are  they  goin'  to  bottle  it  to 
ship  away!' 

"  'Oh,  no,'  answered  the  man,  'he  means 
there  will  be  that  many  people  livin '  here  when 


LETTEES  HOME  105 

they  carry  out  the  great  water  project  that's 
afoot.'  'What  project?' asked  Hiram.  'Why,' 
said  the  jolly  man,  'I  guess  you  ain't  heard 
about  them  bringin'  that  Owens  River  down 
here  an'  turnin'  it  into  the  Los  Angeles  river, 
— sure ;  they  will  dam  up  the  Los  Angeles  river 
a  few  miles  below  here  an'  then  put  gondolas 
an'  sail  boats  on  it  to  rent  out  to  the  tourists. 
'Twill  be  the  greatest  pleasure  resort  in  the 
world.  Then  they  are  goin'  to  terrace  the  hill- 
sides on  each  side  of  the  river  an'  fix  it  up 
with  flowers  an'  grass  an'  trees,  an'  sell  it  to 
the  millionaires  fur  winter  homes.' 

"What  further  they  was  agoin'  to  do,  Hiram 
didn't  hear,  fur  jest  then  a  homely-sour-faced 
woman,  his  wife  I  guess,  come  along  an'  or- 
dered him  to  his  room.  By  this  time  the  sun 
was  a-shinin'  an'  we  concluded  to  go  sight- 
seem ',  and  let  the  Farmers'  Guide  letter  go 
over  till  another  rainy  day." 


UNCLE  HIBAM  CONTINUES  CORRESPONDENCE  TO 
FARMERS*  GUIDE  AND  BECOHDS  HISTORY, 
ANCIENT  AND  MODERN;  PASADENA  CLAIMS 
MOST  OF  His  ATTENTION,  AS  A  MATTER  OF 
COURSE — WHAT  WOMEN  BEAD. 


MORE  LETTERS 


44 OUCH  a  time  as  we  had,  Mandy,"  said 
^J  Aunt  Pheba  Harrison,  "a-finishin'  up 
that  letter  to  the  Farmers7  Guide.  Seemed  like 
what  I  told  your  Uncle  Hiram  to  write  sounded 
queer  an'  what  he  wrote  hisself  sounded 
queerer.  'What  other  topics  was  I  to  write 
on?'  said  your  Uncle,  after  he  got  all  settled 
ready  for  writin';  an*  I  said:  'I  can't  remem- 
ber exactly,  but  it  seems  to  me  the  editor  said 
something  about  history,  libraries,  transporta- 
tion an'  climate.' 

"  'History  'tis  then,'  said  Hiram,  hitchin'  up 
his  chair  closter  to  the  table,  an'  readin'  it  to 
me  as  he  wrote:  'Los  Angeles  was  laid  out 
by  some  Spanish  real  estate  agents  in  1781. 
She  was  six  miles  square,  the  Plaza  in  the 
center,  an'  the  Mission  church  on  the  west  side, 
where  it  still  stands,  if  some  of  them  enter- 
prisen'  real  estate  men  hain't  tore  it  down,  an' 

109 


HO  TOUEIST  TALES  OF  CALIFOENIA 

run  up  one  of  them  sky  scrapers,  in  place  of  it, 
in  the  last  two  weeks.  This  town  grows  so 
fast  that  what  you  write  about  her  one  month, 
hain't  true  the  next. 

"  'In  the  Plaza  the  Spanish  used  to  have  some 
high  old  times,  if  the  stories  one  hears  about 
'em  are  true;  fiestas,  an'  chicken  fights,  an' 
eatin'  tamales  seemed  to  be  the  fads  of  the 
day.' 

"  'There,'  says  Hiram,  squintin'  one  eye  ad- 
mirin'ly  at  what  he  had  jest  written,  'I  call 
that  pretty  fair  fur  free-hand,  extemporaneous 
writin'.  Shouldn't  wonder  if  I  had  missed  it 
by  not  takin*  up  historical  novel  writin'  instid 
of  poetry;  she  goes  as  easy  as  fallin'  off  a  log. 

"  'Now  fur  Pasadena,'  an'  he  wrote:  'Pasa- 
dena jines  Los  Angeles  on  the  north,  an*  the 
country  you  go  skimmin'  through  on  the  elec- 
tric car  to  reach  it,  with  its  green  hills  an'  neat 
lookin'  sign  boards,  is  to  my  mind  the  prettiest 
ride  anywhere  around.  The  country  around  it, 
an'  the  town  itself,  is  as  purty  as  fairyland, 
an'  its  history  reads  like  a  fairy-tale.  Thirty 
months  ago  Pasadena  was  a  dreary  lookin' 
sheep  ranch  where — ' 


MOEE  LETTERS  HI 

"  'Stop  !'  says  I  to  Hiram.  'Ain't  you  makin' 
a  mistake  in  your  dates  there  of  about  thirty 
years?'  'Where!'  says  he,  lookin'  real  cross  at 
bein'  interrupted.  'When  a  person  is  writin' 
great  historical  facts,  a  little  thing  like  a  wrong 
date  don't  count.  I  see,  tho,  you're  bound  to  pin 
me  down  to  facts,  an'  make  this  letter  read  as 
flat  as  a  last  year's  almanac,  er  one  of  them 
Congreshonel  Eecords,  besides  spilin'  the  looks 
of  it  scratchin'  out  so  much.' 

"  'Now,'  said  he,  after  he  had  corrected  it, 
'what  else  will  I  say  about  Pasadena's  ancient 
history?  You've  got  me  off  the  track  entirely.' 
'Nothin'  more,'  says  I,  'its  present  history  is 
good  enough  fur  me.  Tell  about  the  time  we 
visited  the  Library,'  an'  he  wrote:  'Made  a 
visit  to  the  Library  in  Pasadena,  an*  felt  at 
home,  especially  when  I  see  a  copy  of  The 
Commoner  a-layin'  on  the  readin'  table.  The 
buildin'  is  nice  an'  light  an'  the  daily  papers 
hain't  a  week  old.  There's  a  printed  notice 
tellin*  the  reader  not  to  keep  the  paper  more 
than  twenty  minutes;  but,  my!  you  find  selfish 
folks  the  world  over ;  the  man  who  smokes  into 
a  sick  woman's  face,  an*  the  woman  who  puts 


112  TOUEIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

her  bundles  in  the  street  car  seat,  to  keep  a 
tired  workin'  man  from  settin'  down,  are  first 
cousins  to  the  individual  who  hangs  onto  the 
mornin'  paper  an  hour  or  two,  in  the  public 
libraries.  Then  everybody  connected  with  the 
place  was  nice,  an'  pleasant,  an*  answered 
questions  like  'twas  a  pleasure.  They  told  me 
the  best  read  book  in  the  library  was  the  Doctor 
Book  an'  the—' 

"  'I  hate  to  interrupt  you  agin,  Hiram,'  says 
I,  'but  while  not  actually  prevericatin',  you  are 
givin'  a  wrong  impression  'bout  that  book.  I 
looked  inside  of  it  an'  there  wan't  a  thing  in 
it  about  docterin',  jest  an  ordinary  novel.'  At 
this  Hiram  laid  his  head  down  on  the  table  an' 
I  felt  real  sorry  fur  him  as  he  said :  '  This  man- 
uscript's  a-goin'  to  be  rubbed  out  an'  criss- 
crossed till  it  will  look  wuss  than  one  of  them 
Horace  Greeley  letters  I  see  at  the  Exposition 
in  Omaha.'  To  comfort  him  I  said:  'You  jest 
go  an'  have  it  typewrit,  an'  if  there's  any  mis- 
takes, the  editor  will  think  'twas  the  type- 
writer's fault.  That's  the  way  all  the  big 
writers  do.' 

"At  this  he  brightened  up  considerable,  an' 


MOBE  LETTERS  113 

says :  '  Do  you  think  'twould  ever  get  out  about 
me  in  Lancaster  County,  an'  be  brought  up 
agin  me  when  I  run  fur  County  Commissioner 
next  fall?  Them  farmers  will  stand  most  any- 
thing but  puttin'  on  style  amongst  each  other. 
Gettin'  his  clothes  made  at  the  tailors,  an'  his 
beard  trimmed  p'inted,  beat  Dan  Hanford  fur 
County  Clerk,  an'  that  new  automobile  beat 
Doc  Steinwell  fur  Coroner,  good  an'  plenty. 
But  I  guess  I'll  risk  it,'  an'  lookin'  mighty 
relieved  he  wrote  on:  'Folks  are  either  gettin' 
tired  of  dogs,  or  Jack  London,  I  don't  know 
which;  they  say  his  book  called  " White  Fangs" 
is  scarcely  read.  Amongst  the  wimmen  the 
most  popular  book  seems  to  be,  "The  Port  of 
Missin'  Men."  The  title  is  ruther  misleadin' 
an'  I  guess  some  of  the  wimmen  who  had  their 
men  come  up  missin'  tho't  mebby  they'd  hear 
some  news  from  them,  from  the  way  the  title 
read.  Mark  Twain's  mental  science  is  Pasa- 
dena's favorite.  I  heard  a  woman  ask  fur  a 
book  called,  "The  Raise  an'  Fall  of  the  Mus- 
tach."  Don't  know  what  in  creation  it  could 
be  about,  but  it  raised  my  curiosity  an'  I'm 
goin'  to  read  that  book  if  I  have  to  buy  it.' 


114  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

"  'As  fur  the  climate  out  here,  it's  all  right 
an*  they  are  so  touchy  about  it  you  wouldn't 
das't  say  so  if  it  wasn't.  They  tell  me  some 
men  once  took  a  bath  in  the  ocean  an'  picked 
oranges  in  Pasadena,  an'  snow-balled  each 
other  on  Mt.  Lowe,  all  in  one  day;  so  I  guess 
so  fur  as  climate  is  concerned  in  Southern  Cali- 
forny  you  jest  pay  your  money  an'  take  your 
choice.  I  hear  that  some  of  the  folks  back 
there  didn't  take  much  stock  in  the  earthquake 
stories  the  tourists  told  when  they  got  back 
home.  Well,  we  were  in  Frisco  two  weeks 
after  it  happened  an'  frum  the  looks  of  things 
I  should  say  she  quaked  all  right.  In  the  little 
town  where  we  was  stayin'  they  had  several 
little  rumbles  that  shook  things  up  a  bit.  I 
wa'n't  so  awfully  scared —  What  you  snick- 
erin'  about,  Pheba?'  said  your  Uncle  suddenly, 
quitthT  writin'  an'  lookin'  around.  'Oh, 
nothinV  says  I,  an'  he  went  on  writin'  where 
he  left  off — 'but  I  wanted  to  know  what  the 
man  in  the  next  room  to  ours  thought  about 
it,  so  I  rushed  in,  an'  he  set  up  in  bed  most 
astonished  to  hear  'twas  an  earthquake. 
'What  in  creation  did  you  think  'twas?'  said 


MOEE  LETTERS  115 

I,  an'  grinnin'  all  over  he  answered:  'I'm 
frum  Missoury,  an'  I  thought  the  fever  an' 
ager  chills  had  me  agin  sure,  an'  I'm  tickled 
most  to  death  to  find  out  it's  jest  an  earth- 
quake,' an'  chucklin'  to  hisself  he  took  a  drink 
of  somethin'  out  of  a  bottle  an'  thro  wed  a 
handful  of  quinine  powders  into  the  fireplace 
an'  rollin'  over  in  bed  went  to  sleep. 

"  'The  meanest  man  I  see  since  I  left  home 
went  through  the  earthquake  'thout  a  scratch. 
He  was  one  of  them  know-it-all,  bossy  kind  of 
men,  an'  when  the  earthquake  commenced  to 
shake  things  around  pretty  lively  he  run  into 
what  he  considered  the  safest  corner  of  the 
room  an'  ordered  his  wife  to  f oiler  him;  but 
she  with  the  usual  prevarsity  of  the  female  kind, 
refused  to  obey  an'  stayed  in  the  opposite  cor- 
ner. After  the  tremble  past  she  was  wedged 
into  that  corner  by  furniture  an'  things  as 
tight  as  if  she  was  in  the  county  jail.  Her 
husband  let  her  stay  in  there  a  half  day  before 
some  of  the  neighbors  heard  her  hollerin'  an' 
let  her  out.  He  said  if  she  was  so  stuck  on 
that  particular  corner,  she  could  stay  an'  enjoy 
it  fur  all  him.  I  call  sich  actions  real  mean.' 


116  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

"  'Now  let's  settle  that  transportation  busi- 
ness,' says  Hiram,  an'  he  wrote:  'There  are 
several  styles  of  transportation  out  here, 
amongst  them  automobiles,  street  cars,  tally- 
hoes  an'  leg  power.  The  last  named  used  to 
be  considered  the  safest,  but  since  the  auto- 
mobiles have  come  into  general  use  I  have  my 
doubts.  One  man  frum  the  East  who  hadn't 
walked  spry  fur  years,  on  account  of  rheu- 
matiz,  got  run  down  so  often  by  the  aforesaid 
vehicles  that  he  got  entirely  well  an*  developed 
into  a  first  class  sprinter,  on  account  of  the 
exercise  he  got  jumpin',  side  stepping  an* 
turnin'  hand  springs,  to  get  out  of  their  way. 
Limbered  him  up  in  no  time.  The  automo- 
biles are  bad  enough,  but  them  tallyhoes  are 
the  limit.  I  got  wedged  into  one  of  the  high 
seats  between  two  fat  wimmen,  one  of  them 
bein'  my  wife  who' — 'I  wouldn't  drag  my  per- 
sonal affairs  into  a  printed  letter, '  says  I,  so  he 
rubbed  out  'one  of  them  bein'  my  wife,'  an' 
wrote  on:  'That  driver  acted  like  he  wanted 
to  scare  us  out  of  our  senses,  by  the  way  he 
turned  corners  an*  run  the  horses  down  steep 
hills.  He  acted  frum  the  furst  like  he  was 


MOEE  LETTEBS  117 

bound  to  upset  us  an*  at  last  he  did.  Nobody 
was  hurt,  fur  he  spilled  us  out  on  a  pile  of 
sand,  but  'twas  a  close  shave.  The  man  who 
wrote  that  "large  bodies  move  slowly, "  would 
a'  modified  his  statement  considerable  if  he'd 
a'  seen  them  fat  wimmen  doin*  that  unloadin* 
act.  My  wife*  —  'I  think  the  letter  is  long 
enough/  says  I,  so  he  rubbed  out  'my  wife/  an* 
signed  his  name,  'Hiram  Harrison,  Esq.*  " 


UNCLE  HIEAM  HAS  His  FORTUNE  TOLD  AT 
VENICE  AND  LEARNS  How  NEAR  HE  CAME 
TO  BEING  LITERARY — ALSO  GETS  SEASICK  ON 
THE  SHIP  HOTEL. 


AT  VENICE 


44T17E  WENT  down  to  Venice,"  said 
»  *  Aunt  Pheba  Harrison,  ''an'  et  our 
dinner  on  a  ship  hotel.  We  had  a  nice  time 
down  there.  A  person  could  spend  a  week 
there  an'  not  see  all  the  sights  then.  We  was 
right  hungry  by  dinner  time  an'  your  Uncle 
Hiram  et  real  hearty.  While  he  set  there  fin- 
ishin'  up  his  strawberry  shortcake  an'  pie  an' 
gazin'  at  the  waves,  he  turned  as  pale  as  putty, 
all  at  once,  an'  says:  'Pheba,  this  ship  is 
rockin'  awful.  Shouldn't  wonder  if  there's  a 
tidal  wave  comin'  or  one  of  them  deep-sea 
earthquakes  we've  hear  tell  of.  I  hate  to  pay 
fur  this  pie  an'  puddin'  an'  not  eat  it,  but  I 
can't  stand  this  much  longer  or  I'll  die.  They 
orter  be  arrested  for  enticin'  folks  on  here  pre- 
tendin'  it's  safe  an*  then  go  to  rockin'  us  to 
make  us  too  sick  to  eat  what  we  paid  for. 
Hain't  got  any  of  them  tablets  along  the  doc- 
121 


122  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

toi  that  was  on  that  Catalina  boat  give  us  fur 
seasickness,  have  you?'  says  he,  lookin'  real 
distressed. 

"  'Yes,  I  have,  but  they  are  out  in  my  little 
handsatchel  we  checked  with  our  things  in  the 
office.' 

"  'Well,'  says  he,  'give  me  the  check  an'  I'll 
go  an'  take  some  of  them.' 

"  'Shall  I  go  with  you!'  said  I,  an'  he  an- 
swered: 'No,  I'll  go  alone;  no  use  of  you 
leavin'  part  of  your  victuals  we  paid  for  be- 
cause I  have  to.  Mebby  you  can  manage  them 
desserts  I'm  leavin',  too.' 

"Your  Uncle  was  seasick,  sure,  this  time;  he 
reeled  so  I  wanted  to  go  with  him,  but  he  was 
so  'fraid  we  wouldn't  get  the  worth  of  our 
money  that  he'd  ruther  a'  crawled  on  his  hands 
an'  knees  than  have  me  leave  it.  Hiram  ain't  a 
stingy  man,  as  stingy  men  go,  but  he's  awful 
afraid  somebody's  goin'  to  cheat  him  out  of  a 
nickel. 

"When  I  went  out  of  the  dinin'  room  some 
fifteen  minutes  later,  I  found  him  feelin'  fust- 
rate.  He  said  he  never  had  medicine  to  act 
so  quick.  'I  took  three  of  them  tablets,'  says 


AT  VENICE  123 

he,  'when  I  furst  come  out,  an'  I've  jest  taken 
three  more,  which  I  reckon  will  be  all  I  need.' 
He  handed  me  the  satchel  back  an'  told  me  to 
put  the  tablets  away  an'  not  have  'em  lay  in* 
around  so  careless,  for  exceptin'  Peruna  they 
was  the  quickest  actin'  medicine  he  ever  took. 

"Talk  about  mental  science  an'  the  power 
of  mind  over  matter !  I  looked  into  my  satchel 
an'  there  was  them  doctor's  tablets  in  a  side 
pocket  undisturbed.  Hiram  Harrison  had 
taken  six  of  them  violet  tablets  I  was  a-carryin' 
'round  to  scent  my  handkerchief  with.  When 
I  see  what  he  had  done,  I  was  scairt  an'  lost 
no  time  goin'  to  the  drug  store  an'  askin'  about 
them.  The  druggist  said  they  was  harmless, 
as  fur  as  he  knowed.  I  didn't  tell  Hiram,  fur 
I  knowed  'twould  scare  him  stiff  if  he  knowed 
it,  no  matter  what  the  druggist  said,  an'  as 
he  felt  better  than  he  had  for  years  I  let  mat- 
ters rest.  So  much  for  imagination. 

"When  Hiram  found  out  that  the  ship  hotel 
was  a-standin'  still  an'  he  had  done  most  of 
the  rockin'  hisself,  he  was  disappointed,  but  I 
got  his  mind  off  of  it  by  tellin'  him  we  must 
be  movin'  if  we  see  any  of  the  sights.  We  saw 


124  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

a  funny  fixin'  down  there  fur  weighin'  folks  in. 
A  man  that  runs  it  takes  holt  of  your  arm  an* 
guesses  on  your  weight  an'  the  nearer  he  comes 
to  it  the  more  money  he  makes.  He  took  holt 
of  my  arm  an'  was  about  to  make  a  guess  when 
Hiram  had  to  chime  in  an'  say:  *  Before  this 
transaction  proceeds  any  furder  I  want  to  warn 
you  I  won't  be  responsible  fur  any  of  the 
gearin'  of  that  chair  givin'  way  when  you  are 
a-weighin'  of  that  woman'  (that  woman  mean- 
ing me). 

"If  there's  one  subject  I  don't  like  to  hear 
discussed  too  freely  it's  my  weight,  so  I  re- 
fused to  be  weighed  at  all.  Then  he  took  a 
holt  of  Hiram's  arm  an'  after  lookin'  up  an* 
down  his  anatomy,  he  said:  'A  hundred  an' 
thirty';  but  Hiram  didn't  hear  the  hundred  an' 
thought  the  man  was  makin'  fun  of  him  be- 
fore all  them  folks  by  guessin'  him  at  thirty. 
*  Thirty  nothinV  said  Hiram,  mad  as  he  could 
be,  'I'll  make  you  look  like  thirty  cents  if  you 
get  too  funny.' 

"The  weighin'  man  was  real  nice  about  it, 
an'  after  Hiram  found  out  his  mistake  he  got 
on  the  chair  an'  was  nearly  tickled  to  death 


AT  VENICE  125 

to  think  he  tipped  the  beam  at  one  hundred  an' 
thirty-two.  Then  we  went  into  a  tent  where 
a  Gipsy  lookin'  woman  was  a-tellin'  fortunes. 
I  concluded  I'd  ruther  have  my  dollar  for 
something  else,  so  Hiram  had  her  read  his 
palm.  Her  big  black  eyes  seemed  to  see  clear 
thru  you  an'  as  she  half  closed  them  an'  took 
Hiram's  hand,  she  said: 

"  'I  see  cornfields  an'  cattle  on  a  thousand 
hills.'  Then  she  took  a  magnifyin'  glass  an' 
lookin'  at  the  lines  in  his  hand  closer,  said: 
*  The  headline  is  strong  to  stubbornness ;  mem- 
ory good,  never  known  to  forget  a  meal  hour 
in  your  life.  Luck  line  is  so  well  developed 
it  almost  makes  up  for  the  lack  of  good  judg- 
ment an'  foresight.  This  luck  line  is  found  in 
the  hands  of  men  who  have  made  fortunes  in 
real  estate,  or  on  the  Board  of  Trade.  This 
line,'  says  she,  pointin'  to  another  one,  ' indi- 
cates literary  talent,  an'  if  you  was  not  en- 
tirely lackin'  in  education  an'  ideas  you  might 
have  been  a  writer.  The  ancestral  lines  are 
strong  an'  if  they  did  not  terminate  so  curi- 
ously I  would  say  your  relatives  were  people 


126  TOUBIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

noted  for  somethin'  unusual;  perhaps  I  might 
tell  by  readin'  the  other  hand. 

"  'Accordin'  to  your  conscience  line,*  she 
went  on,  'I  would  say  you  have  been  carryin' 
a  guilty  secret  for  about  two  years.  By  readin' 
the  other  hand  (which  is  50  cents  extra)  I  may 
be  able  to  tell  you  what  it  is  an*  give  you  im- 
portant advice  concernin'  it.' 

"At  this  Hiram  looked  real  scairt  an*  shut- 
tin'  his  left  fist  up  tight  we  left  the  tent.  'Won- 
derful, wonderful!'  says  he.  'What's  so  won- 
derful?' says  I,  thinkin'  a  dollar  was  a  pretty 
good  price  to  hear  what  a  person  already 
knowed.  'Why,'  says  he,  'that  readin'  of  my 
pam.  Who  in  creation  but  a  cleravoynt  would 
a'  knowed  I  was  frum  the  country?  Why,  she 
see  them  cornfields  an'  cattle  like  lookin' 
through  a  winder.'  I  had  my  own  opinion 
about  how  she  guessed  he  was  from  the  coun- 
try, but  I  said  nothin'  an'  he  continued:  'Then 
that  luck  line  was  all  right,  too;  didn't  I  get 
back  twelve  dollars  fur  them  ten  I  put  up  on 
a  wheat  margin  once?  Guess  I'll  try  it  agin, 
as  it  seems  as  how  the  line  of  fate  seems  to  be 
pintin'  that  way.  Then  she  said  I  could  write 


AT  VENICE  127 

— reckon  you  are  at  last  gettin'  on  to  a  fact 
you  have  always  doubted,  Pheba.' 

"  'She  said  you  could  if  you  had  education 
an'  ideas,'  said  I.  'Idees  no  thin'/  says  Hiram, 
'it  is  old-fashioned  to  put  idees  into  your 
writin'  nowadays,  an'  as  fur  edecation,  I  guess 
I  can  do  as  well  as  that  Indiana  poet  an'  some 
of  them  other  fellows  they  are  makin'  a  fuss 
over,  any  day  in  the  week.  An'  didn't  she  hit 
the  nail  on  the  head  about  them  noted  rela- 
tions of  mine,'  says  he,  real  tickled.  'I'm  proud 
when  it  comes  to  them.'  'Well,'  says  I,  'I've 
seen  most  of  them  an'  the  only  thing  I  could 
think  of  them  bein'  noted  for  is  commonness 
of  the  commonest  sort.'  'Common  nothin',' 
says  he,  'mebby  you  never  heard  about  that 
uncle  of  mine  who  was  a  Chicago  lawyer  an' 
got  into  a  scrape  connected  with  a  get-rich- 
quick  scheme  an'  lit  out  fur  Calif orny  in  the 
early  sixties.  Couldn't  one  man  in  a  thousand 
get  out  of  the  county  between  two  days  like 
he  did.  Smart,  as  smart  as  cayenne  pepper. 
The  first  thing  he  did  after  he  got  to  one  of 
the  new  Western  States  was  to  get  a  law 
passed  makin'  the  get-rich-quick  scheme  legal. 


128  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

Then  he  sent  some  of  the  money  back  to  an- 
other lawyer  an'  he  got  the  law  fixed  up  at 
the  other  end  of  the  line;  then  when  he  got 
elected  to  some  big  office  out  West  an'  come 
back  home  on  a  visit,  they  met  him  with  a 
brass  band,  instid  of  the  sheriff.  Then  another 
uncle  was  noted  for  bein'  the  biggest  eater  in 
Indiana.  Used  to  go  to  all  the  county  fairs 
for  miles  around  an'  engage  in  pancake  er  egg 
eatin'  matches.  Beat  his  rivals  so  often  he 
couldn't  pull  off  a  match  any  more  where  he 
was  known.  When  he  was  a  young  man  an' 
went  to  country  dances  they  used  to  order  ten 
pounds  more  of  crackers  an*  a  extra  dozen 
canned  coves  if  they  knowed  he  was  a-comin'. 
"  'Some  folks  might  call  sich  a  man  noted 
an'  some  might  call  him  notorious,'  suggested 
I,  an'  he  said:  'Notorious  nothin,'  considerin' 
the  article  they  have  nowadays,  'twas  a  stomach 
to  be  proud  of.  He  got  a  long  piece  printed 
in  the  paper  about  him  when  he  died  peacefully, 
after  eatin'  a  biled  dinner  at  the  age  of  ninety- 
seven  years,  an'  then  some.  Then  I  had  a 
cousin  who  was  a  noted  belle  in  Posey  County. 
As  many  as  six  horses  could  be  seen  of  a  Sat- 


AT  VENICE  129 

urday  night  hitched  to  the  rail  fence  in  front 
of  her  father's  house,  not  to  mention  the  beans 
that  came  a-foot  —  wore  the  first  Garabald^ 
Shaker  bonnet  that  was  ever  seen  in  old  Posej[. 
Then,  there  was  my  grandmother,  Polly  Har- 
rison, who  could  make  more  personally  con- 
ducted visits  to  the  neighbors,  when  there  was 
any  new  gossip  that  needed  airin',  of  any 
woman  of  her  age  in  Indiana.  She  used  to  hear 
about  things  that  was  a-happenin'  long  before 
they  had  happened,  she  had  sich  a  nose  for 
news.  She'd  a'  commanded  a  big  salary  on 
one  of  the  yaller  journals  they  have  at  the 
present  day.' 

"  'But,  Hiram,'  says  I,  shuttin'  him  off  on 
them  relations,  'what  is  it  that  has  been  on 
your  conscience  two  years  f '  His  countenance 
fell,  an'  lookin'  real  sheepish,  he  answered:  'If 
you  must  know,  I  voted  for  the  wrong  man  at 
the  last  Presidential  election.' 

"An'  to  this  day  I  ain't  never  found  out  how 
he  voted." 


UNCLE  HIRAM'S  WONDERFUL  INVENTION,  WHICH 
WILL  EEVOLUTIONIZE  THE  POULTRY  BUSI- 
NESS AND  PUT  HlM  IN  THE  MILLIONAIRE 

CLASS,  WITH  A  MANSION  ON  ' '  ORANGE  GROVE 
STREET"  IN  PASADENA  —  AUNT  PHEBA  UN- 
SYMPATHETIC, JUST  LIKE  A  WOMAN. 


AT  THE  OSTRICH  FARM 


UTF  YOU  ever  go  to  California,  Mandy," 
A  said  Aunt  Pheba  Harrison,  "be  sure  an' 
take  one  of  them  tallyho  rides  out  from  Pasa- 
dena. They  tell  me  the  scenery  is  fine  any  time 
of  the  year,  but  along  in  April  an'  May,  I 
reckon  there's  no  thin'  to  compare  with  it  this 
side  of  Pardise. 

"One  tourist  man  was  so  wrought  up  over  it 
that  he  quoted  poetry  from  start  to  finish.  One 
pome  he  quoted  (Hiram  tho't  'twas  original, 
but  I  guess  it  wan't),  went  on  tellin'  about  the 
olives,  an*  citron,  bein'  the  finest  of  fruit,  an' 
somethin'  about  the  nightingales  never  bein' 
mute.  Then,  when  he  see  a  bungalow  with  only 
a  speck  of  roof,  an'  the  windows,  an'  doors, 
showin'  through  the  climin'  roses,  an'  a  pretty 
girl  in  a  white  dress  pickin'  them,  he  broke 
out  agin  an'  said: 

"  'An  the  maidens  are  sweet  as  the  roses  they 
twine, 

133 


134  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

An'  all  save  the  spirit  of  man  is  divine.' 
"Seems  funny,  because  Hiram  was  never 
particular  before,  but  ever  since  he  wrote  a 
pome  hisself,  he's  been  awful  fault  findin' 
'bout  other  people's  poetry;  so  he  jumped  onto 
that  tourist  man's  poetry  an'  figertively 
speakin'  tore  it  all  to  pieces,  sayin':  'Seems 
to  me  your  poetry  would  be  a  little  truer  to 
this  country  if  you  was  to  say  orange  an' 
lemon,  'stead  of  olives  an'  citron;  hain't  see 
no  citron  round  here,  except  in  a  bakery  cake.' 
I  heard  afterwards,  tho,  they  had  the  biggest 
citron  ranch  in  the  world  over  near  Monrovia, 
but  Hiram  didn't  know  it  then. 

"  'An',  says  Hiram,  'that  nightingale  bird 
orter  be  changed  to  suit  this  country,  to  mock- 
in'  bird;  an'  even  then  'twouldn't  be  strictly 
true,  fur  them  mockin'  birds  don't  sing  in  their 
sleep,  or  when  their  bills  are  full  of  victuals. 
Then  I  don't  like  that  jangle  you  got  off  'bout 
them  sweet  maidens,  an'  sayin'  the  spirits  of 
men  hain't  divine.'  Queer  thing,'  says  he,  'that 
ever  since  poetry's  bin  writ  they  have  bin  a- 
diggin'  at  the  men  an'  puttin'  everything  that 


AT  THE  OSTHICH  FARM  135 

looks  a  little  shady  onto  them,  lettin'  the  wim- 
men  go  scot  free.* 

"  'The  next  poetry  I  write,'  says  he,  'I'm 
goin'  to  throw  all  my  bouquets  at  the  men,  an' 
let  the  wimmen  hear  some  plain  facts  about 
theirselves  once  in  a  while.'  I  set  still  and 
didn't  take  sides  with  either  of  them,  havin' 
found  out  long  ago  that  p'inten'  out  faults  in 
other  folks's  poetry,  er  writin',  er  music,  er 
pictures,  was  like  p'inten'  out  faults  in  other 
folks's  children,  a  thankless  task. 

"After  the  tourist  man  had  recovered  from 
his  astonishment,  at  what  he  called  Hiram's 
'remarkable  criticism,'  he  let  up  on  poetry  an' 
took  to  prose,  sayin'  as  he  gazed  in  admiration 
at  the  grand  panorama  of  mountain,  hills  an' 
valley  spread  out  before  him:  'An'  to  think 
I  have  been  crossin'  the  ocean  in  search  of  the 
beautiful  in  nature  when  right  in  my  own 
native  land  there  exists  such  a  scene  as  this. 
Think  what  I  have  been  missin'  right  at  my 
own  door.' 

"  'Sure,'  says  Hiram,  'I'd  advise  you  to  pa- 
tronise home  industry  every  time.  I  always 
ship  my  hogs  to  Omaha  instead  of  Chicago  if 


136  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

the  price  is  as  good.'  The  tourist  man  looked 
at  Hiram  curiously  out  of  the  corner  of  his 
eye,  but  the  smell  an*  sight  of  an  orange  grove 
we  was  passin'  was  a  leetle  too  much  fur  him, 
an'  forgittin'  hisself  he  waved  his  hand  toward 
the  trees  an'  said:  'Great  golden  globes,  half 
hid  mid  shimmerin'  green,  an'  surely  this 
valley  must  rival  the  Gardens  of  Gul  in  her 
bloom.' 

"The  rest  of  us  was  wrought  up  in  our 
feelin's,  too,  durin'  that  lovely  tallyho  ride, 
only  we  didn't  express  ourselves  so  violently. 
As  we  was  comin'  back  into  Pasadena  we  met  a 
lot  of  folks  out  on  Colorado  Street,  mostly 
wimmen,  horseback  ridin'.  They  was  dressed 
considerable  like  men  wearin'  cowboy  hats  an' 
ridin'  their  horses  man  fashion.  Hiram 
grabbed  my  arm  jest  as  soon  as  they  come  in 
sight  an'  says:  'Look!  Pheba,  look!  here 
comes  the  first  California  Injuns  we've  seen 
yet.  Gee,  but  they  are  a  hard-lookin'  crowd. 
Them  missionaries  that  built  missions  an'  la- 
bored so  hard  to  civilize  'em  must  feel  pretty 
bad  to  see  'em  carryin'  on  like  this.  Squaws 


AT  THE  OSTRICH  FARM  137 

a-ridin'  man  fashion  jest  like  they  did  in  Ne- 
braska forty  year  ago.' 

"  Everyone  in  the  tallyho  was  a-laughin'  by 
this  time  an*  as  we  got  nearer  to  them,  Hiram 
see  his  mistake  an*  was  moro  astonished  than 
ever;  the  man  who  had  been  doin'  the  pome 
quotin'  said:  'Them  ain't  Indians;  they  are  a 
party  of  rich  tourists  that  are  stayin'  at  one  of 
the  big  hotels  in  Pasadena.' 

"  'Now,  I  call  them  clothes  an*  this  new  style 
of  ridin'  real  sensible,'  says  I,  lookin'  at  'em 
admirin'ly;  'I  don't  know  when  wimmen  have 
taken  up  with  a  sensibler  fad.' 

"  'Sensible  nothin','  says  Hiram,  as  he  gazed 
in  indignation  an'  wonder  at  the  riders,  'they 
look  like  a  lot  of  escaped  lunatics  or  part  of 
Buffalo  Bill's  wild  west  show.'  'Sensible 
nothin','  he  repeated.  'It's  scandalous,  such 
actions.  Pheba,  if  I  ever  hear  of  you  takin' 
up  this  new  circus  ridin'  fad,  I'll  sue  fur  a 
divorce  afore  I'm  a  day  older.  Look  cute, 
wouldn't  you,  a-wearin'  one  of  them  short,  two 
skirt  affairs,  an'  a  cowboy  hat,  perched  up  on 
one  of  them  skittish  critters.  Just  let  me  ketch 
you  a-tryin'  it  an'  I'll  ride  alongside  of  you  on 


138  TOUttiST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

a  side-saddle,  a-wearin'  a  ridin'  skirt  an'  a 
sunbonnit.  Dressin'  like  the  opposite  sex  hain't 
a  game  only  one  kin  play  at.  Then,  besides,  if 
you  rode  that  way  some  of  them  kodak  fiends 
might  get  a  snap  shot  at  you  an'  send  it  to 
the  curiosity  part  of  some  magazine  an'  dis- 
grace me  all  over  Lancaster  county.  Mebby 
you'd  like  it,  tho,  bein's  how  all  them  society 
folks  are  havin'  their  pictures  in  the  papers; 
if  you  want  your  picture  in  a  paper  you  can 
invite  a  friend  or  two  to  drink  a  cup  of  tea 
with  you,  an'  then  write  it  up  an'  send  your 
picture  along  with  it  to  the  Sunday  paper. 
Better  send  the  one  where  I'm  with  you,  bein's 
it's  so  good.  I  see  men  have  theirs  in,  too.' 

"  'Why,  Hiram,'  says  I,  goin'  back  to  the 
horseback  riders,  'I  thought  you  would  be  real 
pleased  to  see  the  wimmen  ridin'  so;  you  know 
you  always  grumbled  so  when  me,  or  any  other 
women,  rode  any  of  the  critters  at  home,  fur 
fear  we'd  make  'em  lopsided.  Now  this  new 
style  of  ridin'  would  do  away  with  that.' 

"  *  Lopsided  nothin','  said  your  Uncle,  'you 
know  I'd  rather  see  every  critter  on  the  place 


AT  THE  OSTRICH  FARM  139 

lopsided  to  an  angle  of  forty-five  degrees,  afore 
I'd  see  you  makin'  sich  a  show  of  yourself.' 

"  'Well,  I'll  see,'  says  I.  It  ain't  good  policy 
to  let  go  your  whip  hand  too  soon.  It's  jest  as 
well  to  keep  a  man  guessin'  what  you  are 
a-goin'  to  do,  an'  besides  I  see  in  a  minute  the 
little  episode  was  a-goin'  to  make  one  of  them 
new  rubber-tired  buggies  I'd  been  a-lookin'  at 
in  Lincoln  come  easier,  so  I  jest  said  I'd  see, 
givin'  him  to  understand  it  want  a  '  closed  in- 
cident' by  no  means. 

"When  we  got  back  frum  that  tallyho  ride, 
we  stopped  at  one  of  the  big  hotels  in  Pasadena 
for  our  dinners.  It's  a  trick  lots  of  Eastern 
tourists  have  out  there,  of  eatin'  a  meal  at 
each  of  the  big  tourist  hotels  in  California. 
Then  when  they  get  home,  they  can  refer  to  it, 
an'  tell  what  happened  at  sich  an'  sich  a  hotel 
fur  the  rest  of  their  lives.  It's  wonderful  how 
many  things  can  happen  in  a  short  time.  One 
tourist  woman  talked  for  days  about  what  hap- 
pened at  one  of  them  big  hotels,  an*  her  hus- 
band told  us  afterwards  they  never  et  but  one 
meal  there.  Well,  we  stayed  fur  lunch  an' 
dinner  too,  because  Hiram  says  the  lunches  at 


140  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFOKNTA 

them  big  places  wa'n't  fillin',  so  we  went  back 
an'  had  dinner,  too,  which  was  fine. 

"We  put  in  the  afternoon,  goin'  out  South 
Pasadena  way  to  the  ostrich  farm.  I  could 
talk  all  day  about  them  ostriches,  they  was  sich 
funny  critters,  but  all  the  same  I  wish  we 
never  had  heard  tell  of  a  California  ostrich. 
Your  Uncle  got  some  of  the  queerest  notions 
in  his  head  frum  goin'  there.  He  stood  fur 
hours  a-lookin'  at  a  fool  ostrich  that  was  a- 
settin'  on  the  bare  ground  a-tryin'  to  hatch  out 
some  eggs.  He  didn't  notice  a  thing  else  an' 
would  hardly  answer  me  when  I  spoke  to  him. 
After  a  few  hours  of  sich  action,  I  said:  'What 
ails  you,  Hiram?  Surely  you  ain't  thinkin'  of 
buyin'  that  ridiculous  lookin'  fowl  to  take 
home;'  an'  I  almost  held  my  breath  till  he 
answered.  'No,'  says  he,  'but  I've  got  a  idee 
in  my  head.'  'Well,'  says  I,  'what  is  it?  You 
have  been  actin'  awful  strange  about  some- 
thing'; an'  he  said  real  solemn:  'If  I  tell  you, 
you  musn't  breathe  a  word  of  it  to  any  livin' 
creature,  or  someone  might  steal  my  idee  an' 
ruin  all  my  plans.  You  see,'  says  he,  p'intin' 
to  the  ostrich,  'that  bird  a-sittin'  on  them  eggs; 


"He  stood  fur  hours  lookin'  at  a  fool  ostrich.' 


AT  THE  OSTEICH  FARM  143 

well  that's  no  hen  ostrich  by  a  long  shot  an' 
his  performin'  of  that  duty  has  put  a  idee  into 
my  head  that  may  land  me  into  the  millionair 
class.  If  a  rooster  ostrich  can  set  on  eggs  an' 
hatch  out  ostriches,  why  can't  rooster  chickens 
set  on  eggs  an'  hatch  out  chickens,  an'  let  the 
hen  go  on  about  her  business  a-supplyin'  fresh 
eggs  fur  the  market! " 

11  'You  kin  count  on  about  one  rooster  in  a 
million  a-settin'  on  eggs,  not  more  an'  mebby 
that's  a-countin'  on  one  too  many/  says  I,  and 
he  said:  'That's  the  idee,  exactly;  them  that 
can  set  an'  won't  set,  will  be  made  to  set,  an' 
there's  where  I'm  goin'  to  shine  as  the  sole 
inventor  of  the  Booster  Brooder  Machine,  an' 
you  bet  no  more  rooster  hatchin'  power  goes  to 
waste  after  that  comes  on  the  market.' 

"  ''Well,'  says  I,  with  a  sigh  of  relief,  'I'm 
glad,  that's  all,'  fur  I  had  my  fears  that  he  was 
a-goin'  to  try  to  take  a  live  ostrich  home  on 
the  Pullman  cars  with  us.  'Glad,  that's  all 
no  thin','  says  Hiram,  'tell  a  woman  a  great 
secret  that's  goin'  to  astonish  the  civilized 
world,  an'  she  says,  "Is  that  all?'*  The  only 
wonder  is,'  he  continued  gazin'  in  at  the  os- 


144  TOUEIST  TALES  OP  CALIFOENIA 

trich,  'that  some  one  has  not  grasped  the  idee 
before,  that  this  king  of  fowls  has  been  demon- 
stratin'  right  before  their  eyes.' 

"Time  went  on  an*  I  thought  he  had  mebby 
forgotten  all  about  it,  but  yesterday  as  I  set 
sewin'  by  the  west  winder  I  heard  a  commotion 
in  the  chicken  yard,  an*  after  a  while  out  comes 
your  Uncle  a-carryin'  the  big  buff  Cochin 
rooster  under  his  arm  an*  over  the  rooster's 
head,  a  la  ostrich,  was  one  of  them  red  sox 
Hiram  bought  out  in  California  to  play  lawn 
tennis  in.  He  made  straight  fur  the  hen  coop, 
under  a  tree,  where  I'd  set  old  Speck  on  a 
dozen  eggs  that  very  mornin'.  With  scant 
ceremony  he  yanked  her  off  the  nest  an'  sent 
her  flyin'  toward  my  sweet  pea  bed,  where  she 
lost  no  time  in  scratchin'  them  up.  The  box 
where  I  set  Speck  was  a  soap  box,  an'  pretty 
close  quarters  fur  her,  but  as  she  refused  to 
be  moved  I  let  her  stay.  Hiram  thrust  the 
General,  as  we  always  called  that  rooster,  into 
the  box  onto  the  warm  eggs,  an'  turned  to  get 
a  stick  to  fasten  him  up ;  the  General  took  ad- 
vantage of  this  move  an'  with  one  mighty  ef- 
fort he  flopped  hisself  out  of  the  nest,  scat- 


AT  THE  OSTRICH  FARM  145 

term'  the  eggs  right  an'  left,  an*  was  free.  He 
lit  on  his  head,  but  soon  righted  hisself  an' 
went  staggerin'  on  an*  the  other  chickens, 
seem'  the  terrible  hobgoblin  comin'  their  way, 
fled  for  their  lives.  At  the  corner  of  the  barn 
he  come  face  to  face  upon  Gyp,  the  half -grown 
fox  terrier.  With  a  yelp  of  terror  Gyp  broke 
for  the  barn,  where  he  soon  reappeared  at  the 
hay  mow  door,  in  the  second  story,  where  he 
barked  an'  tore  around  an'  got  so  excited  that 
he  fell  with  a  bunch  of  hay,  right  into  the  jaws 
of  the  terrible  thing  he  was  tryin'  to  escape 
from.  He  picked  hisself  up,  an'  lost  no  time 
a-reachin'  the  house,  where  he  watched  further 
proceedin's  alongside  of  me,  by  standin'  on  his 
hind  legs  an'  lookin'  out  of  the  window.  Tabby, 
lookin'  fur  mice,  encountered  the  sock-headed 
rooster  next  an'  with  every  hair  on  end  she 
scooted  fur  safety  under  the  barn  floor.  The 
General,  steppin'  high,  blundered  on  till  he 
run  into  a  cross  old  goose,  that  was  settin'  on 
her  eggs  in  a  fence  corner.  "With  a  hiss  she 
made  a  grab  for  him  an'  he,  scared  nearly  stiff 
at  the  sudden  attack,  jumped  three  feet  straight 
up  in  the  air  an'  when  he  got  out  of  her  way  he 


146  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

was  minus  some  of  his  best  tail  feathers.  At 
this  point,  Hiram  appeared  with  the  soap  box 
again,  an'  I  could  see  it  had  three  holes  in  it, 
an'  little  legs  about  three  inches  long,  nailed 
onto  each  corner  at  the  bottom.  One  hole 
the  box  was  right  above  the  nest  an'  the  otho. 
two  were  on  each  side  of  the  nest.  It  was  no 
great  trick  to  ketch  the  blind-folded  General 
an'  in  another  minute  the  squallin'  an'  aston- 
ished rooster  was  a-settin'  on  them  eggs  with 
one  leg  through  each  of  them  lower  holes,  an' 
his  head  an'  neck  through  the  one  at  the  top; 
a  few  tail  feathers  stuck  through  the  crack  in 
the  box  at  the  back,  an'  a  screen  door  shut  up 
the  place  where  Hiram  had  pushed  the  General 
in.  'There!'  says  Hiram,  pullin'  off  the  sock 
from  the  rooster's  head,  'Set  or  stand,  jest  as 
you  blamed  please, — the  eggs  will  be  warm  jest 
the  same;'  an'  he  went  into  the  garden  to  hoe 
the  beans,  a-whistlin'  'Everybody  Works  but 
Father.'  It  wa'nt  long  before  old  Speck  come 
cluckin'  back;  things  didn't  seem  to  look  jest 
right  to  her  an'  she  run  around  the  box  tryin' 
to  find  her  nest.  Then  she  flew  upon  the  top 
of  the  box,  where  fur  the  first  time  she  spied 


AT  THE  OSTRICH  FARM  147 

the  old  General's  head  an"  neck  stickin'  up 
through  that  hole. 

"If  consternation,  astonishment,  an'  be- 
wilderment was  ever  wrote  on  a  hen's  counte- 
nance it  was  on  ole  Speck's,  when  she  discov- 
ered the  General  a-settin'  on  her  nest.  With  a 
squall  that  was  almost  human  in  its  notes  of 
resentment,  an'  terror,  she  dragged  her  wings 
on  the  grass  an'  circled  around  an'  around 
the  bodyless  head  of  the  General.  I  nearly 
laughed  myself  sick  as  the  old  General's 
cockdoodledo  joined  in  with  hers,  an'  he  nearly 
twisted  his  head  off  to  see  what  she  was  a-doin'. 
By  this  time  all  the  rest  of  the  chickens,  not 
to  mention  the  ducks  an'  geese,  had  come  to 
view  the  bodyless  wonder,  an'  add  their  voices 
to  the  awful  uproar. 

"Gyp,  havin'  recovered  from  his  fright, 
joined  in  the  chorus  an'  barked  frantically 
from  behind  the  shelter  of  my  skirts  as  I  went 
out  an'  called  Hiram.  He  come  in  from  the 
garden,  an'  seatin'  hisself  on  the  wheelbarrow, 
viewed  his  work  with  pride.  'It's  goin'  to  be 
a  howlin'  success,'  says  he,  referrin'  to  the  box 
that  enclosed  the  General.  'I've  got  the  details 


148  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

all  worked  out  even  to  the  little  swingin'  trough 
to  feed  'em  in,  which  goes  on  in  front,  an'  an 
invention  that  will  revolutionize  the  chicken  in- 
dustry will  soon  be  patented  an*  on  the  market. 
While  the  model  you  see  is  rude,  the  principle 
is  all  right  an'  the  rooster-hatchin'  power  that 
has  been  goin'  to  waste,  is  goin'  to  be  utilized 
fur  the  good  of  humanity  in  general,  an'  Hiram 
Harrison  in  particular.'  'You're  not  in  ear- 
nest?' says  I;  an'  he,  mad  as  a  hornet,  says: 
'Not  in  earnest,  when  every  hour  of  the  day 
ever  since  I  see  that  ostrich  at  Pasadena  settin' 
on  the  sand  I've  had  this  in  mind.  There's 
millions  in  it,  I  tell  you.'  'What  would  we  do 
with  a  million?'  says  I.  'Do,'  says  he,  'what 
should  we  do,  but  like  the  rest  of  them  fellars 
that  made  their  money  some  sich  way,  go  to 
California,  of  course,  an'  get  us  a  home  along- 
side of  the  other  millionaires  on  Orange  Grove 
Street  in  Pasadena?  If  this  thing  works  out  all 
right  I  expect  to  set  up  there  behind  my  own 
vine  an'  fig  tree  an'  hear  them  carriage  drivers 
holler  out  to  the  sight-seein'  tourists:  "That 
is  the  winter  home  of  the  great  inventor,  Hiram 
Harrison,  President  of  the  Booster  Brooder 


AT  THE  OSTKICH  FARM  149 

Machine  Company.'*  See?'  By  this  time 
things  had  quieted  down  a  little  an'  a  storm 
was  a-comin'  up,  so  the  chickens  come  a-hurry- 
in'  into  their  roosts,  among  them  Speck.  She 
was  a-singin'  to  herself  an'  looked  as  happy  as 
if  she  understood  an'  approved  of  the  new 
machine  that  was  to  relieve  her  of  an  irksome 
duty. 

"  'The  machine  is  a  success,'  says  Hiram, 
'do  you  grasp  that  fact,  Pheba?'  'I  grasp  one 
fact,'  says  I.  'What  is  it!'  says  he,  real  in- 
terested. 

"  'Why,'  says  I,  'the  fact  that  the  best  way 
to  break  up  a  stubborn  settin'  hen  is  to  put  an 
old  rooster  on  her  nest,  an*  let  his  head  stick 
up  through  a  hole  in  the  top  of  the  box  an' 
scare  the  wits  out  of  her.'  " 


AUNT  PHEBA  EXPBESSES  HEB  OPINION  OF 
SOUTHEBN  CALIFOBNIANS  REAL  FBEELY — 
WOMEN  ABE  GOOD  LOOKING,  BUT  THE  MEN 
ABE  MEBELY  POLITE  —  A  LITTLE  SEBMON, 
PLEASANTLY  DISGUISED,  ON  THE  FEMALE 
WEAKNESS  OF  EXTBAVAGANCE. 


APARTMENT-HOUSE  LIFE 

0  YOU  want  to  know  how  the  Califor- 
nia  folks  compare  in  looks  to  the  folks 
back  here  ! ' '  said  Aunt  Pheba  Harrison.  '  *  Well, 
Mandy,  good-lookin'  wimmen  I  saw  a-plenty, 
but  the  men,  especially  good-lookin'  young 
men,  were  scarce,  very  scarce.  By  young  men, 
I  mean  men  between  the  ages  of  twenty-five  an* 
forty-five,  who  ain't  never  been  married  or 
divorced,  or  had  their  wives  to  die  on'  em. 

"But  one  good  word  I  will  say  for  the  Cali- 
fornia men,  they  were  the  politest  set  of  men 
I  ever  see.  In  the  stores,  street  cars,  or  res- 
taurants, 'twas  jest  the  same.  It  used  to  tickle 
me  to  see  how  mad  your  Uncle  Hiram  would 
get  when  they  got  up  an'  give  me  a  seat,  or 
handed  me  my  jacket  or  umbrel  in  a  restaurant, 
or  opened  the  doors  for  me,  when  he  was  slow 
about  it. 

"  'Polite  nothin','  he  would  say,  'ten  to  one 

153 


154  TOUEIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

them  same  door-openin'  an*  handker  chief - 
pickin'-up  men  let  their  wimmen  get  up  first 
an'  build  the  kitchen  fire,  on  a  cold  mornin'.  I 
can't  see  the  sense,'  said  he,  'of  a  man  breakin' 
his  back  jumpin'  to  pick  up  things  fur  a  woman, 
an'  helpin'  her  along  the  street  like's  if  she  was 
a  basket  of  eggs  he  was  afraid  of  breakin', 
when  she's  strong  enough  to  look  out  fur  her- 
self an'  could  jump  over  a  rail  fence  if  anyone 
hollered  "snakes!"' 

"  'It's  downright  wicked,'  he  complained, 
'to  expect  a  man  to  come  up  smilin',  whenever 
a  woman  calls  time  on  him,  an'  help  her  into 
the  street  car  an'  give  up  his  seat,  when  his  wife 
has  worn  him  to  a  frazzle  doin'  a  dozen  depart- 
ment stores,  an'  treadin'  miles  of  pavements, 
an'  stoppin'  fur  hours,  gazin'  in  at  them  gee- 
gaws  on  dummy  wimmen  in  the  show  windows, 
that  he  didn't  even  sense.  If  a  woman  is  stout 
enough  to  tear  around  from  one  store  to  an- 
other all  day  she  can  load  herself  up  onto  the 
street  car,  an*  pick  up  her  own  things  when 
she  drops  'em,  an'  open  her  own  doors  or  stay 
inside  jest  as  she  feels  like  it.  Doin'  all  them 
little  things  fur  a  woman,  who's  better  able 


APABTMENT-HOUSE  LIFE  155 

to  do  'em  fur  herself,  ain't  consistent,  nor  it 
hain't  common  sense.' 

"  'Mebby  it  ain't  common  sense,'  says  I,  'an' 
mebby  it  ain't  consistent,  but  the  wimmen  folks 
like  it  jest  the  same.'  I  bought  Hiram  some 
neckties  an*  things  at  a  Pasadena  clothin' 
store,  an'  about  a  month  afterwards  we  went 
by  that  store  again;  in  the  doorway  stood  the 
red-cheeked,  smilin'  clerk  dressed  like  one  of 
his  own  fashion  plates.  He  remembered  me 
in  a  minute,  an'  smiled  an'  bowed  low,  awful 
low.  Not  expectin'  to  see  anyone  we  knowed, 
Hiram  was  kind  of  startled,  an'  I  said:  'What 
made  you  kind  of  jump,  when  that  clerk  bowed 
to  me?'  an'  he  said:  '0,  nothin',  only  at  first  I 
thought  'twas  one  of  them  dressed-up  dummies 
a-fallin'  over,  an'  I  was  a-goin'  to  ketch  it,' 

"But  seein'  others  polite  had  its  effect  on 
your  Uncle  Hiram  in  time,  an'  I  shall  never 
forget  the  first  time  I  ever  see  him  give  up  his 
seat  in  a  street  car  to  a  lady.  We  was  a-goin' 
out  to  Westlake  Park  an'  the  car  was  quite  full. 
Hiram  was  a-settin'  in  between  two  wimmen 
an'  front  of  him  a-teeterin',  an'  swayin',  an' 
holdin'  onto  a  strap,  was  the  fattest  woman  I 


156  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFOENIA 

most  ever  see.  Hiram  pretended  not  to  see  her 
fur  awhile,  an'  then  gettin'  ashamed  of  hisself, 
he  got  up  an'  offered  her  his  seat.  The  woman 
looked  critically  at  the  little  space  Hiram  had 
been  occupyin'  an'  then  with  a  smile,  in  which 
disappointment  an'  gratitude  was  mingled,  she 
shook  her  head  at  him  a-declinin'  of  his  offer. 
It  seemed  to  me  everyone  in  the  car  looked  at 
the  little  space  Hiram  offered  her,  an'  smiled; 
an'  Hiram,  mad  as  a  wet  hen,  went  out  an' 
stood  on  the  platform  with  the  motorman. 

"But  to  get  back  to  the  subject  we  started 
out  on.  I  guess  the  reason  good-lookin'  young 
men  seem  scarce  in  California  is  because  the 
wimmen  outnumber  'em  two  to  one.  It  ain't 
no  uncommon  sight  to  see  a  good-lookin'  ele- 
gantly-dressed woman  a-hangin'  onto  the  ordi- 
narest  sort  of  a  man,  an'  half  a  dozen  other 
wimmen,  goin'  it  alone,  lookin'  on  in  envy.  Fur 
instance,  in  that  apartment  house  where  we 
stayed,  there  was  about  a  dozen  marriageable 
men,  an'  nearly  twice  that  number  of  girls,  not 
to  mention  an  army  of  both  kinds  of  widows. 
Amongst  the  men  there  was  two  real  old  bach- 
elors, an'  a  real  old  widower.  By  real  old  I 


APAETMENT-HOUSE  LIFE  157 

mean  three  score  an*  ten;  anything  younger 
than  that  is  considered  in  his  prime  out  there, 
till  they  get  down  below  forty-five,  an'  then 
they  are  considered  in  the  'boy  class.'  To  be 
fair  to  all,  there  was  two  good-lookin'  chaps  in 
the  lot  who  used  to  scoot  across  the  ladies' 
parlor  to  the  elevator  like's  if  there  was  In- 
dians after  them.  Then  there  was  two  college 
students,  an'  a  tourist  man,  an'  a  society  dude. 
"The  blonde  typewriter  girl  captured  the 
rich  old  widower  in  the  first  round,  so  he  was 
counted  out.  She  acted  real  proud  of  him  an' 
he  spruced  around  with  a  rose  in  his  coat,  an' 
a  smile  on  his  *  freshly-shaven  gills.'  Then 
there  was  a  real  nice-lookin'  man  an'  a  red- 
headed woman  who  et  together  in  the  cafe  an' 
so  on.  The  old  fellow  who  had  horses  on  the 
brain  said:  'They  was  jest  scorin'  round  doin' 
time,  an'  waitin'  fur  the  year  to  be  up  so  as 
they  could  marry  each  other.'  He  said:  'When 
folks  get  a  divorce  out  here,  an'  figuratively 
speakin'  are  out  of  the  harness,  the  law  still 
keeps  a  lariat  rope  on  'em  in  the  shape  of  a 
year's  wait  before  they  can  trot  in  double 
harness  again.' 


158  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

"While  the  men  in  that  apartment  honse 
wan't  in  the  same  class  as  the  wimmen  fur 
looks,  they  all  seemed  like  real  sensible,  nice 
folks  except  that  society  dude.  His  pa  was 
General  Somebody  an'  him  an'  his  wife  nearly 
bored  folks  to  death,  tellin'  'em  cute  things 
Algy  did  when  a  baby.  The  General,  when  he 
wasn't  dinin'  out,  stood  at  the  'phone  most  of 
the  time  makin'  social  engagements  for  hisself 
an'  wife  an'  Algy.  I  used  to  get  disgusted  the 
way  them  pretty  girls  made  over  that  dude 
young  man.  If  he'd  been  good-lookin'  or  even 
smart-lookin'  'twould  a'  been  different,  but  he 
wore  awful  funny-lookin'  clothes,  an'  parted 
his  hair  queer ;  he  had  a  low  forehead,  while  the 
rest  of  his  dished-in  face  was  mostly  chin.  He 
acted  so  important,  an'  smoked  a  nasty-smellin' 
pipe,  all  over  the  girls'  pretty  clothes,  an'  he 
listened  like  as  if  he  was  bored  when  one  after 
another  of  them  tried  their  luck  for  theater 
tickets  with  him. 

"I  got  quite  friendly  with  a  pretty  girl  who 
lived  with  her  pa  an'  ma  on  the  same  floor  we 
did.  She  had  a  fine-lookin'  beau  from  Seattle, 
but  girl-like  she  must  try  her  luck  with  Algy 


APARTMENT-HOUSE  LIFE  159 

too.  She  came  into  my  room  one  day  sayin' 
she  was  mad  enough  to  fight.  Said  Algy  had 
proposed  to  her  an'  was  willin'  to  marry  her 
if  her  pa  would  give  him  twenty-five  thousand 
dollars.  He  said  he  could  marry  another  girl 
whose  pa  would  give  him  thirty-five  thousand, 
which  wan't  any  more  than  his  social  position 
was  worth,  but  as  he  happened  to  be  in  love 
with  her  (the  twenty-five  thousand  girl)  he 
thought  he  would  give  her  the  first  chance. 

"The  pretty  girl  was  so  disgusted  with  his 
good  opinion  of  hisself  that  she  told  him  when- 
ever she  got  ready  to  buy  a  man,  she  would  get 
her  pa  to  bid  a  little  higher  an'  get  her  a  real 
man  instid  of  a  monkey-faced  dude.  I  guess 
it  didn't  break  his  heart  tho,  fur  he  was  mar- 
ried a  month  later  to  the  thirty-five-thousand- 
dollar  girl,  who  was  nearly  a  foot  taller  than 
him  an'  had  a  face  on  her  like  that  Swede  girl 
who  used  to  work  for  us.  But  her  pa  was 
proud  of  the  General's  social  standin',  an' 
bought  'em  a  house  out  on  the  Bonnie  Brae 
district  an*  a  big  red  automobile.  I  saw  'em 
together  once  an'  they  acted  like  as  if  they 
didn't  know  which  one  had  got  the  worst  of 


160  TOUEIST  TALES  OF  CALIFOENIA 

the  bargain.  But  then  they  tell  me,  bein'  in 
society,  they  needn't  see  each  other  more'n  once 
or  twice  a  month  an'  not  make  talk  either. 

"It  seemed  awful  mercenary  to  hear  folks 
talkin'  about  marryin'  fur  money  at  first,  but 
then  to  be  fair  all  around,  the  wimmen  brought 
it  onto  themselves  by  dressin'  so  extravagant, 
for  it's  a  well-known  fact  that  the  wimmen  of 
Southern  California  are  the  best-dressed  wim- 
men in  the  United  States.  One  young  man 
said  a  man  who  wasn't  rich  couldn't  afford  to 
even  keep  company  with  a  society  girl  an'  take 
'em  to  high-priced  plays  an'  suppers  an'  such 
things;  an'  as  for  the  poor  girls,  they  all  know 
real  lace  an'  diamonds  when  they  see  them, 
an'  want  'em  worse  than  the  ones  who  have 
always  had  'em.  'I'd  hate  to  see  my  wife  go 
plain  an'  other  wimmin  havin'  things,'  says  he, 
'so  the  only  way  to  do  is  to  stay  single  or  marry 
for  money;'  an'  when  I  see  a  woman  payin' 
ninety  dollars  fur  a  wash  dress  I  didn't 
blame  him. 

"One  sees  all  sorts  of  people  at  close  range 
in  an  apartment  house.  The  folks  who  lived 
across  the  hall  from  us  fit,  an'  made  up,  time 


APARTMENT-HOUSE  LIFE  161 

an'  again.  One  night  he  come  home  in  a  bad 
humor.  He  was  a  real  estate  agent,  an'  think- 
in'  to  make  a  sale,  had  hauled  a  party  around 
all  day,  an'  then  they  asked  him  to  take  them 
an'  their  baggage  to  the  station,  as  they  were 
goin'  East,  an'  jest  ridin'  around  to  kill  time 
till  their  train  come. 

"Well,  his  wife  had  limburger  cheese  for 
supper,  an'  bein',  as  I  said,  in  a  bad  humor, 
he  picked  up  the  dish  an'  hove  it  out  of  the 
window,  where  it  broke  to  pieces  on  some  rocks. 
She  bein'  auburn-haired  an'  spunky,  picked  up 
another  dish  an'  hoved  it  after  his'n.  They 
kept  it  up  till  they  throwed  every  dish  out  of 
the  window  into  the  back  yard.  They  then 
went  to  the  cupboard  an'  throwed  them  out, 
till  they  come  to  the  last  dish.  It  was  his  throw, 
but  he  was  a  polite  man,  an'  she  bein'  a  lady, 
he  bowed  an'  gave  the  dish  to  her,  an*  she 
throwed  it  after  the  rest.  The  next  mornin'  I 
see  'em  arm  in  arm,  good  as  pie,  goin*  down 
town  to  buy  new  dishes. 

"Take  it  all  in  all,  I  liked  the  excitement 
of  the  apartment  house  life,  but  Hiram  'lowed 
six  months  of  it  would  spile  the  best  woman 


162  TOUEJST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

that  ever  lived,  an*  turn  her  into  a  gossiping 
gaddin'  creature,  pickin'  every  other  woman 
she  see  to  pieces.  'Why,'  says  he,  'it's  them 
idle  women  that  crowd  them  department  stores 
tryin'  to  break  up  their  men  a-buyin'  things. 
From  the  looks  of  them  stores  you'd  think 
every  woman  in  Southern  California  had  took 
out  a  permit  to  be  a  sole  trader. 

"  'Them  stores,'  says  he,  'tells  the  story  of 
who  spends  the  money  in  California;  'bout  a 
thousand  wimmen  crowdin'  round  them  bar- 
gain counters  an'  mebby  a  dozen  or  so  scared- 
lookin'  men  tryin'  to  get  out  of  their  way. 
Got  wedged  in  there  one  day  when  I  was  tryin' 
to  buy  some  twenty-five-cent  galluses,  an'  had 
to  call  on  the  floor  walker  to  get  me  out.  I'm 
afraid  you  are  contractin'  them  spendin '-money 
habits,  too,  Pheba ;  a  man  told  me  'twas  some- 
thing in  the  air  that  made  good  economical 
wimmen  back  home  want  to  spend  every  dollar 
they  can  get,  jest  as  soon  as  they  cross  the 
Calif orny  line.  I  tho't  when  I  see  you  a-buyin' 
that  lace  t'other  day,  Pheba,  we'd  better  be 
goin*  home.  Stood  up  as  big  as  you  please 
an*  paid  four  dollars  a  yard  fur  that  fillay 


APAETMENT-HOUSE  LIFE  163 

lace,  with  good  strong  pillow-case  lace,  right 
acrost  the  aisle,  sellin'  two  yard  fur  a  quarter. 
Then  them  uncurled  ostrich  fixens  you  had  put 
on  your  hat  didn't  look  a  mite  better  than  them 
bronze  turkey  feathers  that's  a-goin'  to  waste 
at  home.  Then  you  let  Herman's  wife  put  you 
up  to  cut  your  cuffs  off  an*  wear  them  long 
stockm'-leg  things  on  your  arms,  an*  then 
thirty  dollars  fur  a  ostrich  feather  neck  ruff, 
when  your  black  cashmere  shawl  would  a'  kept 
your  neck  a  lot  warmer.' 

"But  the  funny  part  of  it  was,  Mandy,  after 
all  your  Uncle's  fussin'  he  never  would  let  me 
wear  my  old  things,  after  he  got  used  to  the 
new  things.  Said  I  looked  like  I  'just  come 
over,'  an'  sich  things.  Ain't  that  jest  like  him, 
anyway? 

"After  that  fall  off  that  ladder,  I  had  a 
twinge  of  rheumatism  in  my  arm,  so  we  went 
down  to  the  Hot  Springs  for  a  few  weeks.  An 
old  woman,  who  put  me  in  mind  of  Burns 's 
woman,  'whose  nose  an*  chin  did  threaten 
other,'  set  in  the  same  car  seat  with  me,  an' 
asked  me  what  I  was  goin'  there  for.  I  told 
her  fur  my  health,  an'  after  lookin'  me  over  a 


164  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

minute  she  said:  'You  must  be  one  of  them 
healthy  invalids  I've  hear  tell  of,  a-runnin'  up 
an'  down  California,  an'  havin'  a  good  time.' 

"A  funny  thing  happened  at  them  springs, 
too.  I've  read  of  sich  things,  but  I  actually 
see  this  myself.  It  wasn't  very  funny,  tho,  to 
the  poor  man  it  happened  to,  an'  him  tryin'  to 
put  his  best  foot  forward  with  a  new  wife.  He 
wan't  as  young  as  he  had  been  once,  an'  had  his 
beard  an'  hair  dyed  a  jet  black.  He  had  rheu- 
matiz,  too,  an'  thinkin'  to  combine  sickness 
with  pleasure,  he  come  down  to  the  Hot 
Springs  an'  took  a  course  of  baths.  In  a  few 
days  the  sulphur  an'  other  minerals  in  the 
water  had  turned  his  black  hair  an'  beard  a 
rich  olive  green.  In  desperation  he  rushed  from 
one  remedy  to  another  tryin'  to  turn  'em  black 
again,  but  the  best  he  could  do  was  to  turn  'em 
a  brick  red.  That  at  least  was  one  step  back 
toward  nature,  for  a  red-headed  man  don't 
look  half  as  queer  as  a  green-headed  one. 

"But  he  wa'n't  satisfied,  so  he  shaved  off  his 
beard,  an'  mowed  his  head  till  he  looked  like 
a  big  red  beet;  honestly,  when  he  got  through 
he  was  the  ugliest  man  I  ever  laid  eyes  on,  an* 


APARTMENT-HOUSE  LIFE  165 

the  new  wife  who  had  never  seen  him  'thout 
his  dyed  whiskers  an'  hair  was  so  discouraged 
she  didn't  show  herself  for  a  week.  I  told 
Hiram,  then  an'  there,  that  havin'  a  beard  was 
one  p'int  where  the  men  had  the  wimmen 
beaten.  If  a  woman  has  a  weak,  wobbly  chin, 
an'  a  mouth  that  occupies  most  of  the  territory 
below  her  eyes,  she  must  go  through  life,  an' 
face  the  world  just  so.  But  with  a  man  it  is 
different.  A  beard  will  cover  up  a  multitude 
of  defective  features. 

"  'Well,'  says  Hiram,  *I  guess  nature  gin- 
erally  knows  what  she  is  doin'.  Yes,'  he  says, 
'nature  see  at  once  it  wouldn't  be  safe  to  make 
wimmen  any  thin'  but  smooth-faced.'  'Why?' 
says  I,  knowin'  well  enough,  too,  that  he'd  an- 
swer back  something  mean  to  uphold  the  men, 
an'  he  said:  *  Cause  she'd  never  quit  talkin' 
long  enough  to  get  shaved.'  " 


UNCLE  HIBAM  TBIES  OUT  His  NEW  AUTOMOBILE, 
WITH  DOUBTFUL  RESULTS — ALSO  CBEATES 
SENSATION  AT  LA  FIESTA,  BUT  CONFIDENCE 
Is  UNSHAKEN  AND  REGBETS  HE  DID  NOT 
ENTEB  AUTO  AND  CABBY  OUT  NEBBASKA 
IDEA. 


AT  LA  FIESTA 


HADN'T  much  more  than  got  set- 
tied  in  that  new  house,  Mandy, ' '  said 
Aunt  Pheba  Harrison,  ''before  your  Uncle 
brought  home  that  ottermobile  an'  then  my 
trouble  commenced.  If  I  wan't  ready  an' 
anxious  to  go  every  time  he  did,  he  took  it  as 
a  personal  insult,  an'  a  reflection  on  his  ability 
to  protect  me,  an'  holdin'  my  breath  with  fear, 
I  sot  upon  that  puffin',  snortin'  thing  that  run 
backwards  as  often  as  any  other  way,  knowin' 
I  dasen't  get  out  'thout  a  fuss,  an'  wishin'  the 
thing  would  throw  me  out  an'  end  the  suspense. 
I  wanted  Hiram  to  keep  a  man  to  run  it  till  he 
got  expert,  but  he  said:  'If  an  intellergint 
man  like  Hiram  Harrison  has  to  get  a  chef- 
fewer  to  run  an  ottermobile  after  he  has  run 
steam  thrashers  an'  things,  he'd  better  take  a 
back  seat.  I'll  run  her,  er  bust  her,'  says  he. 
An'  he  done  both. 

"Nothin'  would  do  but  we  must  get  otter- 


170  TOUBIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

mobile  things,  an'  when  we  put  'em  on  fur  the 
first  time  an'  met  each  other  unexpectedly  in 
the  back  yard,  we  was  scairt,  an'  when  Hiram 
got  his  breath  back  he  says:  'There'll  be 
horses  runnin'  off  when  they  see  you  in  them 
goggles  an*  that  dinky  little  cap;  couldn't  a 
had  a  mile  er  two  more  of  vailin'  wropped 
aroun'  yer  head,  could  you?  You're  a  sight  in 
them  shoes  an'  elbow  length  skirt;  why  in  crea- 
tion couldn't  a  got  somethin'  natty  like  met' 

"As  fur  him  he  was  rigged  out  in  leggins  an' 
things  till  he  looked  like  a  cowboy  in  Buffalo 
Bill's  wild  west  show.  We  got  into  the  otter- 
mobile  an'  the  only  accident  we  had  a  gettin' 
out  of  the  yard  was  knockin'  down  one  gate- 
post, which  was  an  improvement  on  previous 
performances.  A  few  miles  out  into  the  country 
we  run  into  a  redheaded  Irish  woman  leadin'  a 
cow;  said  cow  bein'  on  one  side  of  the  road 
an'  the  woman  on  t'other,  an'  the  two  attached 
to  each  other  with  a  rope.  We  was  almost  on 
'em  before  we  see  the  rope,  an'  the  cow  com- 
menced to  throw  up  her  head  an'  kick  up  her 
hind  legs  an'  caper,  an'  the  ottermobile  bein' 
stopped  off  so  sudden  done  the  same.  Honestly 


AT  LA  FIESTA  171 

you'd  a  thought  'twas  a  livin'  critter  that  was 
scairt  as  bad  at  that  old  cow  as  she  was  at  it. 
Hiram  got  addled,  an*  geehawed  an'  counter- 
balanced that  machine  till  it  fairly  danced,  an' 
all  the  time  that  rope  was  twistin'  itself  'round 
the  gearin'  an'  gettin'  shorter  an'  the  cow  was 
gettin'  scairter,  an'  the  Irish  woman  was  gettin' 
madder.  When  Hiram  gets  real  excited  he's  a 
little  cross-eyed,  altho  you  dasen't  tell  him  so, 
an*  when  he  see  what  a  mess  he'd  got  the 
woman  into  he  commenced  to  apologize,  an' 
she,  thinkin'  by  the  way  he  was  lookin'  that  he 
was  addressin'  the  cow,  said:  *  Apologize  to 
the  baste  uv  a  cow,  will  ye,  while  a  dacent  Irish 
woman  stands  by  entirely  ignored?  Oi've  a 
good  moind  to  give  ye  a  batin'  an'  prod  the 
wind  out  uv  that  snor  tin 'thing  with  me  sharp 
stick.' 

"By  this  time  things  looked  serious  an'  I 
wanted  to  climb  out  over  the  back  of  the  ma- 
chine, but  Hiram  said  whenever  I  lost  con- 
fidence in  his  powers  to  pertect  me  'twas  time 
to  part,  so  I,  driven  most  desprit,  said  to  any- 
one who  would  listen:  'The  cow's  climbin'  into 
my  lap;  can't  someone  cut  the  rope?'  Hiram 


172  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

hadn't  tho't  of  that,  an'  had  his  knife  out  in  a 
jiffy,  an'  slashed  the  rope  to  bits,  an'  the  Irish 
woman  said:  '  'Tis  lucky  fur  me  the  whole 
family  wasn't  born  idiots  er  my  cow  would  a 
bin  kilt  entoirely.  Five  dollars  ye '11  pay  me 
just  the  same  fur  the  shock  to  me  an'  the  cow's 
falin's,  not  to  mintion  the  bran'  new  rope,'  an' 
as  Hiram  put  his  hand  in  his  pocket  she  added : 
'Oi'm  not  goin'  to  be  chated  by  any  little  cross- 
eyed billy  goat  uv  a  mon' — jest  then,  whether 
by  accident  er  design  I  never  knowed,  the  ma- 
chine gives  a  snort,  an'  a  jump,  an'  jest  missin' 
the  Irish  woman,  an'  hittin'  the  old  cow  who 
stood  at  what  she  thought  a  safe  distance, 
viewin'  things,  a  clip  on  the  head,  we  was  off 
like  a  shot.  When  I  caught  my  breath  I  looked 
back  an'  saw  the  Irish  woman  shakin'  her  fist 
at  us,  an'  no  doubt  sayin'  some  interestin' 
things.  An'  Hiram  just  chuckled  to  hisself  all 
the  way  home,  's  if  he  had  done  something 
smart. 

"The  very  next  day  we  saw  the  Flower  fes- 
tival in  Los  Angeles,  an'  it  was  grand.  'Twas 
an  excitin'  time  fur  me,  aside  frum  the  parade, 
which  was  excitement  enough  fur  one  day.  I 


AT  LA  FIESTA  173 

never  see  so  many  flowers,  an'  ottermobiles,  an' 
prancin'  horses,  an*  pretty  dressed  wimmen  in 
all  my  life  before.  We  went  down  town  early, 
so  as  to  get  a  good  place  to  view  the  parade 
frum.  I  wanted  to  get  the  first  seats  I  see  on 
the  line  where  the  parade  was  goin',  but  your 
Uncle  Hiram  got  a  stingy  streak  on  him  that 
mornin',  an'  when  he  see  the  seats  marked  fifty 
cents  an'  a  dollar,  he  said  'twas  a  'regular 
hold  up'  an'  said  'we'd  go  on  till  we  see  some 
fur  a  quarter.' 

"That's  where  I  missed  it,  by  follerin*  your 
Uncle,  when  I  should  a  set  down  in  one  of  them 
seats  an'  let  him  grouched  till  he  got  through. 
When  I  told  him  I'd  be  ashamed,  if  I  was  him, 
for  bein'  so  tight-fisted,  he  said:  'Tight-fisted 
nothin';  it  hain't  the  money  I'm  thinkin'  of  so 
much  as  reskin'  you  on  one  of  them  little  pie- 
plate  seats,  or  on  them  little  four-inch  boards 
that  woud  like  as  not  break  off  short  when  you 
got  good  an'  settled.  'Twould  raise  a  big  huba- 
doo  an'  that  sensational  paper  that  makes  a 
speciality  of  sich  things  would  rush  sketch  ar- 
tists here  to  make  a  sketch  of  you  on  the  spot, 
an'  like  as  not  when  they  got  through  drawin' 


174  TOUEIST  TALES  OP  CALIFORNIA 

you  they'd  draw  up  some  awful  lookin'  thing 
an'  put  in  the  paper  alongside  of  your  picture 
with  readin'  under  it  sayin':  "This  is  Hiram 
Harrison,  husband  of  Pheba,  the  big  woman 
who  wrecked  a  section  of  seats  while  viewin'  of 
the  Fiester  Parade."  'Twould  disgrace  me  all 
over  Lancaster  county.  If  I'd  a  tho't  I'd  bro't 
a  board,'  says  he.  'I  wouldn't  a  minded  to  a 
bought  three  seats  an'  put  the  board  acrost,  an' 
'twould  a  done  fur  both  of  us,  an'  we'd  a  bin 
safe  an'  comfortable.  None  of  them  little 
scantlin'  an'  bicycle  seats,  at  fifty  each,  fur 
me.' 

"By  this  time  the  crowd  was  as  thick  as  at  a 
Bryan  meetin',  an'  the  seats  were  all  gone,  an' 
the  only  hopes  of  us  seem'  the  parade  was  to 
hang  onto  the  little  foot  holt  we  had  on  the 
edge  of  the  sidewalk.  The  sun  was  hot,  an* 
the  wimmen's  hats  were  on  crooked,  an'  the 
powder  off  their  noses,  an'  the  children  were 
cross;  an'  thinkin'  how  foolish  I'd  bin  not 
gettin'  a  seat  when  I  had  the  chance  didn't 
make  my  temper  any  evener;  I  believe  'twas 
the  thickest  crowd  I  ever  was  in,  so  thick  we 
couldn't  even  h'ist  our  umbrel  to  keep  off  the 


AT  LA  FIESTA  175 

sun.  As  we  stood  there  waiting  a  man  tried 
to  break  through  our  lines  an'  get  under  the 
stretched  rope  to  the  street,  but  the  crowd 
pushed  an'  jawed  him  an'  wouldn't  budge  an 
inch. 

"He  took  it  good-natured,  but  kept  tryin'  to 
get  through,  sayin'  he  was  a  doctor  goin'  to 
see  a  sick  patient;  but  as  he  didn't  have  any 
medicine  case  they  jeered  him  worse  than  ever. 
When  he  pushed  toward  Hiram  an'  crowded  us 
wimmen,  Hiram  raised  that  shut  umbrel,  likes 
if  'twas  a  bayonet,  an'  says:  'Give  the  right 
password  an'  quit  crowdin'  them  wimmen,  er 
I'll  run  you  through  an'  through  with  this 
umbrel.'  Then  the  man  motioned  to  a  police- 
man an'  told  him  his  story  an'  the  policeman 
cut  a  path  through  fur  the  doctor  by  usin'  his 
club. 

"As  Hiram  stood  back  at  the  club's  p'int  to 
let  the  man  through,  a  big  woman  (I  looked 
little  beside  her)  slipped  in  front  of  us  an' 
planted  herself  on  the  edge  of  the  sidewalk 
into  our  old  places,  entirely  obscurin'  our  view 
of  the  street.  Hiram  asked  her  to  go  back  an' 
let  us  have  the  places  we'd  held  so  long,  but 


176  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFOBNIA 

she  pretended  to  be  deaf.  He  said:  'There's 
nothin'  left  but  to  push  ourselves  into  our  old 
place;'  but  she  stood  stock  still  an'  never  moved 
a  muscle.  'I  don't  believe  any  thin'  short  of  a 
derrick  kin  move  her, '  says  he.  '  I  believe  she 's 
turned  to  stone;  I'm  as  weak  as  a  cat  when  it 
comes  to  her.  I  guess  'twill  take  several  of  us 
jined  together  to  fetch  'er.'  Several  wimmen 
who  had  lost  front  places  in  the  shuffle  offered 
to  help,  but  I,  bein'  disgusted  with  him  'bout 
them  seats,  said  real  short:  'I  didn't  come  here 
to  jine  any  pushin'  matches.  I  wish  I  was  out 
of  here;  'twould  be  all  I'd  ask.  I'm  sick  of 
things.'  'I'll  git  you  out,  Pheba,'  says  your 
Uncle.  'You'll  do  wonders,'  says  I,  sarcastic- 
ally like.  That  made  him  mad  as  a  hornet,  fur 
I  can't  insult  Hiram  Harrison  quicker  than  to 
doubt  his  ability  to  take  care  of  me.  *  I  kin  get 
you  out  of  here  in  five  minutes,  yes,  two  of 
them,'  says  he.  'Try  it,'  says  I,  an'  I  never 
regretted  two  words  as  much  in  my  life,  fur 
your  Uncle  grabbed  me  'round  the  waist  an' 
commenced  fannin'  me  with  his  hat  an'  all  the 
time  yellin'  to  that  policeman:  'Woman  faint- 
in'!  get  her  out  of  here,  quick!'  an'  in  a  jiffy 


AT  LA  FIESTA  177 

that  policeman  had  clubbed  a  path  fur  me,  an' 
him,  an'  Hiram,  an'  before  I  could  sense  what 
was  goin'  on,  I  was  out  to  the  edge  of  the  side- 
walk where  an  ottermobile  with  somethin'  about 
'Emergency'  painted  on  it  stood  waitin'.  I 
could  see  the  ottermobile  was  a  little  more  than 
your  Uncle  had  counted  on,  but  he  never  let 
on,  an'  hopped  up  into  it  hauling  me  after  him 
by  both  arms,  while  the  sympathetic  young 
Irish  policeman  assisted  by  fairly  liftin'  me 
bodily  into  the  vehicle,  an'  with  considerable 
blowin'  of  gongs  we  was  off. 

' '  I  never  said  a  word ;  in  fact,  I  was  so  indig- 
nant with  Hiram  I  wouldn't  a  said  a  word  if 
they'd  a  took  me  to  jail.  After  goin'  a  few 
blocks  Hiram  told  the  man  who  was  runnin' 
the  ottermobile  that  his  wife  had  revived  so, 
by  gettin'  into  the  fresh  air,  he  guessed  he 
wouldn't  bother  him  to  go  any  further.  I 
guess  the  man  wasn't  used  to  having  his  pa- 
tients come  to  so  quick,  fur  he  looked  perfectly 
dumfounded  when  he  looked  'round  an'  see 
me  settin'  up  there,  as  well  as  anybody,  'cept  I 
was  as  mad  as  a  wet  hen. 

"  'If  it's  agin  the  rules,  mebby  that  will  fix 


178  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

it,'  says  Hiram,  handin'  him  something  when 
the  man  shook  his  head,  Hiram  says,  'fur  the 
charity  fund,  then;'  an'  the  man  put  whatever 
Hiram  gave  him  in  his  pocket,  an'  smilin'  all 
over,  let  us  out,  right  in  front  of  a  store  where 
there  was  some  nice  seats  that  hadn't  bin  taken, 
marked  a  dollar  apiece;  we  got  into  our  seats 
just  in  time  to  see  the  parade  start,  an'  mad  as 
I  was  at  the  way  I  got  there,  I  enjoyed  myself 
furst  rate,  considerin'  what  I'd  bin  through. 

"As  we  set  down,  Hiram  said,  boastfully: 
'Mebby  in  time,  Pheba,  you'll  get  on  to  the 
fact  that  when  Hiram  Harrison  says  he'll  do 
a  thing  he  ginerally  does  it.'  'Most  anyone 
could,  if  they  don't  care  what  they  do,'  says  I, 
feelin'  cross  at  the  show  I'd  made  of  myself 
an'  thankin'  my  lucky  stars  I  was  in  a  strange 
crowd;  but  the  parade  was  too  interestin'  to 
argue  over  what  had  already  bin  done,  so  I 
settled  back  with  a  sigh  of  relief  to  enjoy  it. 

"Hiram  fretted  a  good  deal  durin'  the 
parade  about  bein'  a  few  days  too  late  to  enter 
his  new  ottermobile.  'I'd  a  fixed  up  somethin' 
that  would  a  made  'em  stare,'  says  he. 
'There's  no  doubt  of  it,'  says  I,  dryly,  not 


AT  LA  FIESTA  179 

bein'  in  the  humor  to  side  in  with  him  too 
much.  '  That  black  team  trimmed  in  yeller  is  a 
corker,'  says  he.  'An'  to  my  mind  that  woman 
ridin'  in  the  kerridge  is  the  stunnenist  female 
in  the  parade.  I  allus  said  yeller  was  the 
becomenest  color  for  pretty,  plump  wimmen, 
with  good  complections.  Now,  we  could  a  rep- 
resented Nebraska  fustrate,  an*  we'd  a  done 
it,  sure  as  fate,  if  we'd  a  got  our  ottermobile 
in  time.'  I  trembled  at  the  narrer  escape  I'd 
had,  for  he'd  a  done  it  or  had  a  fuss. 

"  'Let's  see,'  says  he,  'I'd  a  used  corn  blades 
for  the  foundation  trimmin'  of  my  ottermo- 
bile; a  fringe  of  corn  blades  hangin'  graceful 
like  'round  the  whole  vehikle,  headed  by  a  set 
row  of  sunflowers.  Then  you  could  a  carried 
a  parasol  kivered  with  corn  blades,  with  small 
roastin'  ear  nubbins  a  finishin'  off  the  top  an' 
rib  ends  of  the  parasol.  You  would  a  looked 
well,  too,  in  one  of  them  wide  sailer  effect  hats, 
trimmed  with  a  wreath  of  big  sunflowers  'round 
the  crown,  an'  a  bunch  of  them  sewed  onto  the 
under  parts,  behind.  Then  them  new  streamer 
effects  could  a  bin  carried  out  by  green  corn 
blades  floatin'  gracefully  'round,  er  looped  into 


180  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

place  with  sunflower  chow-chows  an'  rosettes. 
You'd  a  bin  a  study  in  yeller  an'  greenness,' 
says  he. 

"  'No  doubt  about  the  greenness,'  says  I, 
an'  mistakin'  my  sarcasm  fur  fact,  he  says: 
'Well,  of  course  bein's  Nebraska  more  noted 
fur  a  corn  state  than  fur  flowers,  we'd  likely 
use  most  green,  so  as  not  to  infringe  on  Kan- 
sas. You  could  a  stitched  them  corn  blades 
onto  cloth  to  make  'em  stout,  an'  used  'em  fur 
galluses  over  your  white  waist,  givin'  that  new 
jumper  suit  effect  like  Herman's  wife  wears. 
A  belt  somethin'  similar  would  a  looked  smart, 
but  you'd  a  had  to  pieced  them  little  corn  blades 
they  raise  out  here  several  times  to  make  'em 
reach  'round.  Then  a  yeller  skirt  trimmed 
balmoral  style  with  sewed  on  corn  blades  would 
a  completed  what  I'd  a  called  a  strikin'  cos- 
tume, an'  who  knows  but  'twould  a  took  a  prize? 
Then  to  carry  out  the  Nebraska  idee  further, 
we'd  a  had  a  cute  little  shoat  painted  on  the 
ottermobile  somewheres,  with  a  wreath  of  corn- 
tassels  surroundin'  it,  an'  little  motto  sayin': 
"Corn  is  King,"  er  "Hogs  an*  Hominy 
beats—"  ' 


AT  LA  FIESTA  181 

"  'Don't  dare  paint  any  sich  stuff  on  any- 
thing I'm  goin'  to  ride  in,'  says  I,  not  knowin' 
what  he  might  do  yet,  an'  he  growled  back: 
'Shucks,  I  never  could  do  anything  new  an' 
uneke  fur  you.  Them  foreign  fellers  have  lions 
an'  eagles  an'  things  that  hain't  half  as  useful 
as  a  hog  painted  on  their  vehicles  all  the  time, 
an'  I  was  jest  tryin'  to  carry  out  a  certain  idee 
fur  one  day.' 

"  'Well,'  says  I,  '  'twouldn't  be  a  popular 
idee,  anyway,  fur  the  folks  out  here  kind  of 
poke  fun  at  the  "hog  an'  hominy"  states.' 

"  'Fun  nothing,'  says  your  Uncle,  gettin' 
red  in  the  face.  'I  notice  they  air  gettin'  up 
all  the  schemes  you  ever  hear  tell  of  to  get 
the  "hog  an'  hominy"  dollars  out  of  us.' 
'Shucks,'  says  he,  gettin'  madder,  'jest  as  if 
sich  money  hain't  as  good  as  money  made  by 
keepin'  store  an'  hotels  an'  holdin'  office  an' 
sellin'  real  estate  an'  sellin'  drinks  an'  sich. 
An'  I'm  willin'  to  leave  it  to  any  sane  person  if 
a  field  of  wavin'  corn  blades  hain't  as  purty  as 
them  dusty  pam  leaves,  an'  sun  flowers  as 
purty  as  that  yaller  mustard.' 

"  'Then  I'd  had  a  yeller  an'  green  suit  mad* 


182  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

like  that  feller  on  the  black  horse.  A  Zooave 
jacket  would  be  jest  the  thing — too  bad  it's  too 
late,'  said  he,  sadly.  After  watchin'  the  parade 
awhile  he  slapped  his  hand  on  the  back  of  my 
chair  an*  laffin'  right  out  loud  said,  'I've  got 
it.'  'What!'  says  I,  'that  flea  you've  bin 
chasm'  all  mornin'!'  'Flea,  nothin','  says  he, 
'funny  I'd  furget  it.  I  heard  a  man  say  last 
week  there  was  goin'  to  be  a  Santa  Ana.  Santa 
Ana  used  to  be  a  great  general  er  something, 
an'  I  wouldn't  be  surprised  if  'twould  take  the 
form  of  a  military  as  well  as  a  flower  parade. 
In  that  case  I  kin  kerry  out  the  idee  I've  out- 
lined an*  give  the  military  touch  by  havin'  you 
carry  a  flag,  bein's  I  will  be  occupied  a  runnin' 
the  ottermobile.  Lucky  thing  fur  me,  this 
Santa  Ana  parade!'  Then  I  laughed  till  I 
nearly  shook  the  seat  down,  an'  Hiram,  lookin' 
cross,  said:  'If  you  don't  tell  me  what  tickles 
you  I'll  call  another  policeman;'  an'  I  managed 
to  say:  'A  Santa  Ana  is  a  wind  an'  dust 
storm.' 

"Your  Uncle  despises  a  joke  on  hisself,  so 
he  answered  as  bold  as  brass:  'I  knowed  it;' 
but  he  didn't" 


AUNT  PHEBA  DOES  THE  APARTMENT  HOUSE,  GETS 

THE  GOSSIPITIS,  GOES  TO  THE  loWAY  PlCNIO 

AT   EASTLAKE   PARK,   BECOMES   INDIGNANT 
OVEB  EMBLEM  SUGGESTED  FOB  NEBRASKY. 


NEBRASKA  EMBLEM 


44"V¥  7HEN  me  and  your  Uncle  visited  some 
»  »  cousins  on  my  side  in  a  little  mining 
town  in  Californy,  we  went  with  the  folks  to  a 
lodge  entertainment  one  night.  They  had 
speakin'  an*  musick  an'  refreshments;  your 
Uncle  'low'd  that  he'd  seen  refreshiner  things 
than  them  two  cove  oysters  he  et,  with  some 
warm  water  fur  soup. 

"The  first  thing  on  the  programme  was  a 
pome  to  be  spoke  by  a  large,  raw-boned  woman 
about  forty-five  with  a  voice  on  her  like  a  graf- 
aphone.  She  come  onto  the  stage  nearly  on 
the  run  an'  got  so  near  the  edge  of  the  plat- 
form that  when  she  made  her  bow  she  come 
nigh  toplin'  overboard. 

"She  was  flustrated  bad  enough  before,  but 
after  this  little  accident  she  seemed  scared 
nearly  stiff,  but  after  a  moment's  wait  she  com- 
menced to  declaim  in  a  loud  voice,  as  if  some- 
one was  a  goin'  to  contradict  her: 

185 


186  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

"  'It  is  comin',  it  is  comin', 
I  can  feel  it  in  the  air.' 

"Then  she  stopped  an*  looked  helplessly 
'round.  After  waitin'  till  we  tho't  she  was  goin' 
to  give  it  up,  she  drawed  a  long  breath  an' 
commenced  again. 

"  'It  is  comin',  it  is  comin','  she  repeated, 
but  it  didn't  come  any  better  than  before;  in 
fact,  not  so  well,  an'  when  a  smarty  back  by  the 
door  hollered  out,  'Let  'er  come,'  she  set  down 
in  despair,  leavin'  us  to  wonder  if  'twas  spring, 
or  rheumatism,  er  what,  she  was  feelin'  in  the 
air. 

"The  woman's  failure  must  a  got  on  the 
nerves  of  the  awkward  half -grown  girl  who  re- 
sponded to  the  call  of  her  name  next,  fur  she 
was  so  scared  she  never  got  any  further  than 
her  bow. 

"Her  mother,  who  was  a-settin'  in  the  center 
of  the  audience,  hopin'  to  refresh  her  daugh- 
ter's memory,  recited  the  first  verse,  but  still 
the  girl  stood  there  as  if  turned  to  stone,  gazin' 
at  her  mother,  who,  by  now,  had  claimed  the 
attention  of  us  all,  an*  we  listened  while  she 


NEBRASKA  EMBLEM  187 

spoke  the  whole  pome.  When  her  mother  quit 
speakin'  the  girl  seemed  to  come  out  of  her 
trance  an',  bowing  low,  she  set  down  without 
ever  speakin'  one  word. 

"Yes,  we  stayed  at  that  apartment  house  in 
Los  Angeles  quite  a  spell,  an'  in  some  ways  it 
was  grand,  fur  when  we  got  tired  of  the  restau- 
rants we  could  go  to  them  delicate-essents 
stores  an'  buy  'most  anything,  from  five  cents' 
worth  of  baked  beans  to  a  turkey,  ready  cooked, 
an'  eat  it  on  our  own  table. 

"You  could  get  a  Jap  where  we  stayed,  by 
payin'  him  a  little  extra,  to  do  most  of  the 
mussy  work,  an'  it  was  nice  to  be  able  to  go 
out  in  the  parlor  'long  with  about  fifty  other 
wimmen,  an'  read  the  mornin'  paper  an'  em- 
broider, an'  there,  it's  out  at  last! — gossip. 
'Tain't  no  trick  at  all  to  get  acquainted  in  them 
apartment  houses.  I  hadn't  bin  there  two  days 
before  a  tall,  lanky  woman,  with  little,  beady, 
black  eyes  that  seemed  to  look  through  you, 
took  me  under  her  wing  an'  told  me  the  history 
of  most  everybody  in  the  house,  sayin',  'See 
that  little  body  goin'  up  in  the  elevator?  Yes, 
the  one  with  the  bleached  hair  an'  the  blue  Bus- 


188  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

sian  blouse  jacket — well,  she  has  had  three  hus- 
bands; buried  one,  divorced  one,  an'  is  livin' 
here  with  hubby  No.  3.  Look  at  that  red- 
headed woman  coming  down  the  stairs — the  one 
wearin'  them  high-heeled  shoes  an'  the  lingerie 
waist.  Look  at  her  sharp,  an'  tell  me  what  you 
think.  You  don't  mean  to  say  you  don't  notice 
nuthin*  wrong  with  her?  That  woman  had  her 
face  skinned  last  fall.'  *  Automobile  accident?' 
I  asked,  an*  she  said,  'I  should  say  not;  she 
was  ingaged  to  marry  a  man  ten  years  younger 
than  herself  an'  she  went  to  a  beauty  doctor  an' 
had  the  skin  on  her  face  literally  taken  off, 
wrinkles  an'  all;  he  played  a  trick  on  her  tho 
that  nearly  tickled  the  rest  of  us  ladies  to  death. 
He  fixed  up  one  side  first  an'  then  taxed  her  a 
hundred  dollars  extra  to  fix  the  other  side ;  she 
kicked,  but  he  threatened  to  send  the  account 
to  her  beau,  so  she  paid  it.  Made  her  look 
younger  all  right,  but  we  ladies  call  her  the 
American  Flag,  because  on  a  hot  day  she 's  red, 
on  a  medium  day  white,  an'  on  a  cold  day  she's 
blue.  See  them  three  wirnmen  goin'  into  the 
cafe?  Grass  widows,  every  one  of  them.  Pretty? 
Of  course ;  it  hardly  pays  a  woman  to  go  to  the 


NEBEASKA  EMBLEM  189 

trouble  of  gettin'  a  divorce  'less  she  is,  for  a 
grass  widow  don't  seem  to  think  it's  any  great 
feather  in  their  caps  to  be  divorced,  like  the 
men  do  out  here.  See  that  woman  goin'  up  to 
the  landlord?  The  one  with  the  flat  nose  an* 
her  under  jaw  stickin'  out  like  a  cow  ketcher, 
in  front.  She's  a  real  widow,  an'  the  airs  she 
puts  on  over  the  other  kind  because  hers  is  a 
dead  instid  of  a  livin'  trouble  is  comikel  to  see. 
Her  husband  has  been  dead  five  months,  an* 
she  openly  avows  her  intention  of  marryin* 
agin,  sayin'  that  is  the  greatest  compliment  a 
woman  can  pay  her  dead  husband,  is  to  marry 
soon,  very,  very  soon.  She  is  a  regular  bargain 
counter  fiend.  She  bought  her  husband's  things 
to  bury  him  in  a  year  before  he  really  died,  an* 
her  own  mournin'  outfit,  too.  She  answered  a 
advertisement  in  a  matrimonel  paper  an*  the 
fellow,  a  seven-footer  who  weighed  about  a 
hundred  pounds  an'  lived  in  some  little  back- 
woods town,  came  to  see  her  one  day  a  ridin' 
a  horse  so  small  he  had  to  bend  his  knees  to 
keep  his  feet  off  the  ground.  He  was  a  hard 
lookin'  dose,  but  I  guess  she  tho't  she  might 
put  him  on  a  milk  diet  an'  fatten  him  up  er 


190  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

sometkin',  fur  she  took  to  him  right  away,  but 
one  look  at  her  mug  done  him,  an*  he  was  in 
sich  a  hurry  to  get  away  that  he  clim  onto  his 
horse  an*  tried  to  ride  it  off  without  first  un- 
hitchin'  it. 

11  *  There  goes  the  propritor  an*  his  wife,' 
she  kept  on,  as  the  homely  widow  left  the  room. 
'See  her  diamonds  shine — they  say  that's  what 
went  with  most  of  the  money  when  they  broke 
up  in  business  back  east.  Chated  the  creditors 
shamefully. 

"  'See  that  portly  man  in  the  shabby  suit? 
He  owns  this  building,  an'  is  a  millinar.  He 
took  the  typewriter  girl  down  to  Santa  Monica 
on  an  outin',  an'  treated  her  to  a  twenty-five 
cent  fish  dinner— stingiest  man  in  Los  Angeles 
County. 

"  'There  he's  goin'  out  with  that  crowd.  I'll 
bet  he  wouldn't  if  he  knowed  some  things  about 
'em  I  do,  but  I  allus  make  it  a  rule  never  to  say 
a  word  about  what  I  see  er  hear  in  this  house.' 

"A  month  er  so  later  me  an'  your  Uncle  had 
some  friends  a  collin'  on  us  in  the  apartment 
house  parlors.  The  little  lady  with  the  bleached 


NEBEASKA  EMBLEM  191 

hair  an'  the  blue  pony  jacket  passed  through 
the  room  to  the  elevator. 

'"See  that  little  lady,"  says  I,  'the  one  with 
the  bleached  hair  an'  the  blue  Russian  blouse? 
She's  had  three  husbands;  buried  one,  divorced 
one,  an'  is  livin'  here  with  hubby  No.  3.'  My 
voice  sounded  holler  an'  fur  away — your  Uncle 
looked  at  me  in  mild  astonishment  over  his 
specks — the  others  smiled — I  was  learnin'  fast 
— at  last  I  had  caught  that  dreadful  apartment 
house  disease — Gossipitis. 

"It  was  time  to  move,  an'  we  did. 

"Some  folks  who  stayed  in  the  next  apart- 
ment to  us  invited  us  to  go  to  their  state  picnic 
with  'em  an'  we  went.  It's  a  regular  fad,  them 
state  picnics  out  in  Calif orny.  Iowa  claimed 
she  could  scare  up  the  biggest  crowd,  an'  from 
the  way  they  scrouged  us  into  them  street  cars 
I  guess  she  was  right. 

"We  saw  lots  of  funny  meetin's  betwixt 
folks  who  hadn't  seen  each  other  fur  years. 
One  oldish  couple  who  looked  like  they  hadn't 
bin  off  the  farm  fur  years  an'  years  stood  under 
their  county  tree,  both  laffin'  an'  talkin'  at 


19S  TOUEJST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

once  an'  actin'  like  they  was  havin'  the  time 
of  their  two  lives. 

"The  man,  who  never  would  a  stood  any 
chance  at  a  beauty  show,  was  tall  an'  lank  an' 
reminded  me  of  them  burlesque  pictures  them 
cartoonests  make  of  Uncle  Sam.  The  wife  was 
as  fat  an'  short  as  her  mate  was  tall  an'  lean; 
she  wore  a  three-ply  double  chin  an'  had  her 
whisp  of  faded  blond  hair  twisted  into  the 
tightest  little  knot  at  the  back  of  her  head  you 
ever  see.  A  big  hair  pin  as  long  as  a  dinner 
fork  an'  out  of  all  proportions  to  the  little  dab 
of  hair  was  stuck  through  it.  Her  little  short- 
backed  sailer  hat  made  her  flamin'  red  face  look 
as  big  an'  round  as  a  dishpan.  But  she  was  a 
good-natured  soul  an'  her  blue  eyes  beamed, 
an'  she  shook  like  a  bowl  full  of  jelly  as  she 
laughed  at  the  smart  things  her  husband  was 
a-sayin'.  They  was  both  of  them  in  a  hilarious 
mood,  an'  the  old  feller  cracked  jokes,  an' 
blowed  his  long  nose  into  a  big  bandana  hand- 
kerchief that  looked  like  a  little  tablecloth. 

"In  the  midst  of  their  fun  a  fine  lookin'  man, 
a  profeshional  man  of  some  sort,  stepped  from 
his  automobile  an'  made  straight  fur  the 


NEBBASKA  EMBLEM  193 

where  the  Iowa  couple  was  a  standin'  an' 
signed  his  name  in  the  little  book  tied  to  the 
tree.  When  the  Iowa  couple  see  the  name  they 
both  said,  almost  in  the  same  breath,  'Doc 
Wheeler  from  the  Forks.'  In  a  second  the  old 
feller  had  borne  down  onto  the  astonished 
Doctor,  sayin',  'Hello,  Doc  Wheeler,  I'll  bet  a 
hoss  you  don't  know  me — I'm  Abe  Hanks  from 
the  Forks,  back  in  loway.  Hain't  see  ye  before 
fur  'bout  forty  year,  er  since  I  left  ye  in  the 
army  an'  ye  come  out  west  to  Calif orny,  an'  I 
went  back  home  to  loway  an'  merried  the  gal 
ye  was  ingaged  to  afore  ye  inlisted.  Me  an' 
Fanny  was  talkin'  'bout  ye  t'other  day  an' 
laffin  'bout  the  time  ye  set  up  with  her  so  late, 
her  pap  come  in  an'  told  ye  breakfast  was 
ready;  an'  the  time  the  sled  broke  down  an' 
ye  had  to  ride  four  in  a  seat  home  from  the 
Turkey  Eun  singin'  schule.  Like  to  see  ye  git 
four  of  her  into  a  sled  seat  now,'  an'  the  man 
from  Iowa  laffed  till  I  tho't  he'd  choke,  an' 
give  the  addled  Doctor  a  slap  on  the  back  that 
would  a  felled  a  weaker  man,  as  he  fairly 
dragged  him  toward  the  beamin'  Fanny.  .  : 
"Durin'  the  whole  performance  the  aston- 


194  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

ished  Doctor  never  opened  his  mouth  to  say  a 
word,  but  gazed,  as  if  spell-bound,  at  his  sweet- 
heart of  earlier  days,  as  if  tryin'  to  bridge  the 
chasm  of  forty  years. 

11  Bight  here  a  automobile  shut  off  my  view, 
so  I  turned  my  attentions  to  two  pretty  girls 
in  the  Doctor's  auto,  who  were  laughin'  good 
an'  hard  at  'the  joke  on  papa/ 

"Yes,  the  folks  out  there  don't  furgit  there 
old  humes,  an'  I  notice  the  folks  from  here 
know  how  to  stand  up  fur  Nebrasky,  too. 

"That  reminds  me  of  gettin'  that  sofa  piller 
burned  fur  Mrs.  Dillingham.  She's  got  her 
house  full  of  Calif orny  souvnirs,  so  I  tho't  I'd 
have  something  suggestin'  Nebrasky  burned 
on  her  piller;  but  bless  me  if  I  could  think  of 
a  thing.  I  even  furgot  the  name  of  our  state 
flower. 

"At  last  the  man,  gettin'  tired  of  waitin', 
said,  kind  of  sarcastic  like : 

"  'Why  not  have  a  hog  with  a  ear  of  corn  in 
its  mouth  burned  on  your  piller !'  Say,  I  was 
mad  clear  through,  an'  I  let  him  keep  his  goods 
fur  bein'  so  smart." 


UNCLE  HIRAM  GOES  TO  CATALINA  BATHER  THAN 
TAKE  WATER  ON  PROPERLY  TOURING  CALI- 
FORNIA— GETS  SEASICK  AND  GIVES  OUT  His 
BIOGRAPHY,  BUT  LIVES  TO  CAPTURE  A  MOUN- 
TAIN GOAT  AND  WRITE  A  PRIZE  PCME. 


AT  CATALINA 


"i 


THOUGHT,   Mandy,  we'd  done  all  the 


a-goin'  to,"  said  Aunt  Pheba  Harrison,  "but 
the  very  next  day  after  we  was  at  Venice  your 
Uncle  announced  his  intention  of  goin'  to  Cata- 
lina,  by  sayin':  *I  see  I've  got  to  go;  every 
tourist  I  talk  to  says  almost  with  his  first 
breath:  "I  reckon  you've  bin  to  Catalina?" 
an'  every  four  letters  out  of  five  I  git  frum 
back  home  says:  "How  did  you  like  Cata- 
lina1?"  so  you  see,  while  I'd  ruther  'most  die 
than  risk  that  awful  seasickness,  we'll  have  to 
go,  er  take  water  on  properly  tourin'  Calif orny 
furever.' 

"  'If  you  go  you'll  go  alone,'  says  I,  an'  he 
answered  back:  *  Alone  no  thin'.  If  the  only 
wife  I've  got  is  willin'  to  see  me  go  abroad,  all 
alone,  an'  die  of  seasickness  on  shipboard,  let 
'er.  But  this  I'll  say  here  an'  now,  after  I'm 

197 


198  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

passed,  don't  you  go  snifflin'  'round  into  no 
little  dinky  black-bordered  handkerchief,  a 
tellin'  the  nabers  you  allus  tried  to  do  your 
duty  to  Hiram  Harrison.' 

"Of  course,  after  sich  talk,  I  give  in  an' 
went.  You  ought  to  have  seen  the  prepara- 
tions your  Uncle  made  fur  the  trip.  He  bought 
four  big  hot-water  bags,  an'  blowed  'em  full 
of  wind  an'  carried  'em  two  in  front  an'  two 
behind,  an*  tied  together  with  strings,  an* 
slung  over  his  shoulders.  The  folks  on  the  way 
to  the  boat  stared  at  him  like's  if  they  thot  he 
was  crazy,  an'  I  was  mortified  to  death.  Then 
somebody  told  him  newspapers  soaked  in  vine- 
gar an'  laid  on  the  chest,  back  an'  front,  was 
good  fur  seasickness,  so  he  stuffed  his  under- 
clothes so  full  of  papers  he  looked  top-heavy 
fur  his  legs;  he  also  tied  a  bag  of  asfedty 
'round  his  neck,  an'  most  drove  folks  out  of 
the  street  car  with  it  an'  the  vinegar  smell  to- 
gether. He  'lowed  'twould  be  a  good  idee  not 
to  eat  anything  fur  a  couple  of  days  before 
starting  an'  done  so,  but  he  got  so  hungry  the 
mornin'  we  started  he  et  the  biggest  meal  he'd 
et  in  ten  years,  an'  spiled  all  his  fastin'  effects. 


AT  CATALINA  199 

"I  fussed  with  him  about  the  show  he  was 
a  makin'  of  hisself,  but  he  was  firm,  an*  says: 
'If  the  ship's  wrecked  them  water  bottles  will 
keep  me  afloat,  an'  if  she  hain't  wrecked  you 
can  fill  'em  with  hot  water,  an'  pack  'em  'round 
my  anatomy  when  I'm  seasick.'  We  hadn't 
bin  aboard  an  hour  before  Hiram  keeled  over 
in  the  throes  of  seasickness.  A  seasicker  man 
I  never  see,  an'  after  the  most  violent  contor- 
tions an'  symptoms  subsided  enough  to  let  him 
speak,  he  gasped  out:  'I'm  done  fur,  Pheba, 
an'  tell  the  folks  back  home  I  died  tryin'  to  get 
to  Catalina,  an'  hope  they're  satisfied.  I  was 
druv  to  it,  Pheba,  an'  I  had  a  presentation 
'twould  end  this  way.  Put  your  hand  into  my 
britches  pocket,  Pheba,  an'  take  out  my  pocket- 
book  an'  things.  Amongst  the  papers  you  will 
find  a  writ  article  headed:  "Byografee  of 
Hiram  Harrison,  by  Hisself,"  which  I  want 
you  to  hand  to  the  editor  who  prints  my  obitu- 
ary, an'  when  she's  printed  I  hope  you'll  take 
notice  there  was  plenty  of  things  to  write  about 
that  was  of  more  importance  than  squints,  an' 
corns,  an'  moles.  You  had  better — '  Eight 
here  another  agonizin'  paroxyism  seized  him, 


200  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

an'  I  was  so  scairt  I  never  thought  of  the  paper 
an'  things  again  until  we  was  safely  settled  into 
our  rooms  at  the  Metropole,  an'  Hiram  had  re- 
covered enough  to  mosey  around  the  grounds. 
Then,  as  I  was  all  alone,  I  took  out  the  paper 
an'  read:  'Byografee  of  Hiram  Harrison,  by 
Hisself.  I  was  born  somewheres  in  Posey 
County,  Indiany;  my  folks  moved  so  often  I 
never  could  locate  the  exact  spot.  I  never  was 
overly  puffed  up  like  some  folks  over  bein'  born 
in  Indiany,  fur  while  she  has  sent  out  some 
cute  writers,  it  don't  f oiler  that  every  Indi- 
anyan  is  smart  any  more  than  it  toilers  that 
every  man  in  Californy  is  a  millionaire  because 
there's  a  hull  row  of  them  on  Orange  Grove 
street  in  Pasadena.  No  siree;  I've  seen  men 
livin'  right  in  Indiany  that  didn't  effect  the 
community  they  lived  in  any  more  than  the 
yeller  hounds  they  hunted  with  (of  course, 
there's  shinin*  exceptions,  but  that's  fur  others 
to  tell  of  me.)  All  I  kin  learn  about  my  early 
history  is  mostly  hearsay,  but  when  it  comes 
to  that  I've  only  got  my  folks's  word  fur  it 
that  I'm  Hiram  Harrison  at  all.  It  seems 
durin'  the  first  few  years  of  my  life  I  staid 


AT  CATALINA  201 

purty  close  to  my  mother's  skirts  an'  the  fam- 
ily dinner  pot;  said  pot  hangin'  from  a  hook 
over  a  big  fireplace.  In  fact,  my  first  an' 
earliest  recollections  is  of  seein'  my  mother 
throw  into  that  pot  fur  the  family  dinner  a 
slab  of  side  pork  nearly  two  foot  long  (sich  a 
hunk  would  make  a  five-er  look  like  thirty  cents 
in  Calif orny  nowadays)  an'  a  half  a  bushel  of 
split  cabbage  heads,  not  to  mention  a  peck  of 
peeled  pertaters  an'  sich.  Homely  fare,  mebby, 
that  biled  dinner  style,  but  frum  the  number  of 
bright  men  an'  wimmen  the  old  state  has  sent 
out,  it  must  a  bin  middlin'  good  brain  food. 

"  'As  I  said  before,  I  staid  purty  close  to 
home  fur  awhile,  it  bein'  dangerous  fur  chil- 
dren to  venture  very  far  frum  home  till  they 
was  stout  enough  to  pull  their  legs  out  of  the 
mud.  When  I  was  tall  enough  to  sink  into  the 
mud  a  couple  of  feet  an'  still  have  my  head 
stickin'  out,  my  folks  let  me  run,  an'  frum  all 
accounts  I  made  up  fur  lost  time.  I  went  to 
school  winters,  an'  at  the  age  of  ten  I  spoke 
"The  boy  stood  on  the  burnin'  deck,"  at  a 
school  exhibition,  an'  hollered  so  loud,  an' 
throwed  so  much  reelism  into  it  that  my 


202  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

father,  who  had  never  heard  tell  of  the  pome 
before,  was  scairt,  an'  when  I  yelled  out,  "My 
father,  must  I  stay!"  he  yelled  back  at  me: 
'  *  No,  you  fool ;  jump  out  of  the  winder  er  any- 
thing, if  it's  a  hurtin'  you  like  that." 

"  'Things  went  on  swimmin'  till  I  was  about 
twenty- two,  when  I  got  in  love  an'  wan't  worth 
shucks  fur  a  couple  of  years.  Her  folks  said 
funny  things  'bout  me,  an'  tho't  she  orter  look 
higher,  an'  marry  a  pill  peddler.  Then  my 
folks  wanted  me  to  marry  a  girl  who  was  ugly 
enough  to  scare  her  own  ma,  because  her  pap 
was  goin'  to  give  her  two  of  most  every  thin' — 
cow  an'  calf,  an'  horse  an'  colt,  an'  hen  an' 
chickens,  not  to  mention  a  feather  bed,  an'  a 
sunrise  quilt,  an'  two  split-bottomed  rockin' 
cheers  he  made  hisself.  I  hain't  denyin's  I  was 
tempted,  but  I  weighed  Pheba's  purty  face  agin 
the  goods  an'  chattels,  married  her,  an'  sailed 
fur  Nebrasky  in  a  prairie  schooner  next  day, 
where  we  lived  in  peace  an'  contentment  till  the 
"doin'  Calif orny"  fever  struck  the  Middle 
West  in  the  airly  nineteen  hundreds  an'  some. 
Then,  like  many  another,  we  left  our  winter 
quarters  around  the  base  burner  an'  went  to 


AT  CATALINA  303 

Calif orny  to  wear  overcoats  an'  goosehide  till 
we  got  used  to  their  open-air  system  of  heatin' 
houses.  After  passin'  that  stage  in  safety,  we 
found  the  country  was  all  'twas  cracked  up  to 
be  an'  concludin'  to  stay,  bought  a  peach  of  a 
house  out  Westlake  way  in  Los  Angeles,  an'  a 
beach  house  on  the  ocean.  'Twas  durin'  this 
trip  to  Californy  that  the  famous  letters  to  the 
Farmers'  Guide  was  wrote  and — '  Jest  at  this 
pint  I  heard  your  Uncle's  step,  an'  puttin'  the 
writin'  away  in  a  hurry,  I  was  calmly  fixin'  my 
hair  in  front  of  the  glass  when  he  entered. 

"The  next  mornin'  Hiram,  who  was  hisself 
agin  an'  more,  too,  was  ready  fur  the  sights. 
'What  air  yer  main  attrachuns  here?'  he  asked 
of  another  man,  who  seemed  to  be  at  home  on 
the  island,  an'  the  man  said :  ' Our  island  draws 
folks  frum  all  over  the  world.  Glass-bottomed 
boats,  tuny  fishin'  an'  mountain-goat  huntin'  is 
a  trio  hard  to  beat,  an'  orter  make  you  hog- 
and-homily  fellers  who  hain't  see  a  landscape 
fur  years,  fur  the  cornfields,  open  yer  eyes.' 

"Hiram  got  red  in  the  face,  fer  he's  tender 
'bout  Nebraska  yet,  an'  he  says:  'I  guess  if 
we  hadn't  had  any  other  way  of  makin'  a  livin' 


204  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFOKNIA 

back  there  but  goin'  into  the  'tourist  show' 
bizness  we  could  a  showed  'em  something  be- 
sides cornfields,  too.  A  mud-cat,  fresh  caught 
from  the  Blue,  beats  yer  tunified  an'  berber- 
cued  fish  all  holler.  An*  as  fur  yer  glass-bot- 
tomed boats,  I've  see  Salt  Crick  froze  over  so 
clear  you  could  see  every  old  bootleg  an'  oyster 
can  as  plain  as  day.  An'  if  Nebraska  had  a 
saved  her  million  or  two  buffaloes  fur  tourists 
to  hunt,  this  huntin'  billy  goats  would  a  bin 
small  pertaters  beside  it.' 

"Fearin'  the  talk  would  get  personal  I  called 
Hiram's  attention  to  the  men  who  were 
mountin'  their  horses  to  go  on  a  mountain  goat 
hunt,  an'  your  Uncle  says,  gloomy  like:  *  'Twill 
be  throwed  in  my  teeth  fer  years  that  I  never 
shot  any  goat  game  out  here,'  an'  'twas  all  I 
could  do  to  keep  him  frum  hirin'  an'  mountin' 
one  of  them  fiery  animals  that  had  been  trained, 
so  I  was  told,  to  leap  cricks  an'  slide  down 
mountains  when  they  was  huntin'  game.  It 
makes  your  Uncle  mad  as  a  hornet  to  say  so, 
but  if  he  didn't  hang  onto  the  horn  of  his  saddle 
he  would  fall  off  an  old  cow,  an'  'twas  almost 
certain  death  to  risk  him  on  them  hired  horses. 


AT  CATALINA  205 

After  considerable  coaxin'  an*  arguin'  he  give 
in  an'  was  thinkin'  he  would  compromise  things 
by  buyin'  one  of  them  whiskered  goat  heads  he 
see  fur  sale  an'  puttin'  it  in  his  den,  an'  never 
let  on  but  what  he  shot  it,  unless  someone 
pinned  him  down  to  the  truth.  But  hearin'  the 
men  tell  about  the  goats  they  had  shot,  when 
they  was  smokin'  in  the  office  of  the  hotel  in 
the  evenin',  made  your  Uncle  wild  to  go  goat 
huntin'. 

"To  get  his  mind  off  it  I  proposed  we  take 
our  lunch  an'  go  out  into  the  wild  as  fur  as 
we  could  an'  spend  the  day,  all  by  ourselves. 
We  went  by  team  as  fur  as  we  could  an'  then 
we  clim  up  a  steep  hill  a  ways  further,  where 
we  enjoyed  a  quiet  time  till  jest  before  it  was 
time  to  go  home.  When  Hiram  was  layin'  on 
his  back  lookin'  up  the  mountain  side  at  nuthin' 
in  particular  he  sees  somethin'  wigglin'  in 
amongst  a  clump  of  trees.  'What  fur  critter 
is  that,  Pheba?'  says  your  Uncle,  squintin'  real 
interested  at  the  wigglin'  thing.  Then  it  moved 
a  little  faster,  an'  Hiram  sat  up  real  excited, 
an  says:  'Gee  whiz!  if  it  hain't  the  hind  legs 
an'  tail  of  one  of  them  horned  an'  whiskered 


206  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

mountain  goats,  an'  me  without  a  firearm 
about  me.  My  luck  eggsactly.  But,'  says  he, 
lookin'  determined,  'I'll  have  that  goat  er  my 
name  hain't  Hiram  Harrison,  Esquire.  Neces- 
sity is  the  mother  an'  father  of  new  inventions, 
an'  it's  up  to  me  to  figger  out  some  way  of  cap- 
turin'  that  animal  fate  has  throwed  in  my  way.' 

"  'The  very  idee!'  says  he,  lookin'  wild,  he 
was  so  excited.  'I'll  ketch  the  critter  alive  an' 
take  him  down  an'  show  him  to  them  blowin' 
fellers  at  the  tavern,  an'  mebby  ship  him  back 
home  with  us.  Then  them  correspondents  to 
all  the  papers  will  flash  the  news  by  wireless 
telegraphin'  all  over  the  country.  Won't  Her- 
man's folks  open  their  eyes  when  the  news 
comes  out  in  big  headlines  tellin'  how  their 
Uncle,  alone  an'  single-handed,  captured  one 
of  them  ferocious  mountain  goats  with  horns 
on  him  like  a  Texas  steer,  an*  whiskers  like  a 
Pop  candidate  fur  County  Sheriff!' 

"  'You  must  be  crazy,  Hiram,'  says  I,  but 
he  broke  out  agin  sayin':  'I've  see  it  done 
hundreds  of  times,  that  slippin'  up  an'  grabbin' 
a  sheep  by  the  hind  legs,  an'  landin'  him  on  the 
shearin'  boards  before  said  sheep  could  say 


AT  CATALINA  207 

Jack  Robinson.'  'But  this  is  a  goat  an — ' 
'Goat  nothinV  says  he,  stoppin'  my  speech 
agin.  'What's  a  goat,  anyway,  but  a  exagger- 
ated sheep,  with  a  lot  of  frills  in  the  way  of 
whiskers  an'  things  grafted  onto  him  a  la  Bur- 
bank  style?  My  plan  is  to  slip  up  an'  grab 
him  by  the  legs  as  he  stands  there  with  his 
head  hid  in  the  brush,  an'  bind  him  fast  with 
the  straps  frum  our  lunch  basket.' 

"  'Twas  with  many  misgivin's  I  saw  your 
Uncle  creep  up  that  steep  mountain  side  an' 
grab  that  onsuspectin'  critter  by  the  hind  legs. 
The  goat  let  out  one  awful  blat  of  terror  at 
the  rear  attack,  an'  opened  up  the  first  round 
by  kicMn'  Hiram  with  both  them  hind  legs, 
flat  in  the  stumich,  an*  nearly  made  him  lose 
his  holt.  But  your  Uncle  was  gritty,  an'  held 
on  fur  dear  life,  an'  a  fiercer  fight  I  never  see. 
When  the  fight  was  at  its  height,  an'  the  twigs 
was  crackin',  an'  the  dust  a  flyin'  an'  Hiram 
talkin',  an'  the  goat  a  blattin',  something 
seemed  to  give  'way,  an*  the  next  thing  I 
knowed  the  goat  an'  Hiram  was  shootin*  like 
lightnin'  (Hiram  still  hangin*  onto  the  goat) 
down  that  steep  mountain  side.  With  fear  an' 


208  TOUBIST  TALES  OF  CALIFOBNIA 

tremblin'  I  rushed  after  them  an'  saw  'em  land 
at  the  bottom  in  front  of  a  little  white  tent  I 
hadn't  see  before.  A  feller,  who  looked  about 
half  gone  with  the  janders,  er  somethin', 
hearin'  the  crash,  came  rushin'  out,  an'  'most 
astonished  to  see  Hiram  half  ridin',  half  car- 
ryin'  that  goat  down  the  mountain  side  at  sich 
a  rapid  pace,  said:  'You  villain,  what  in  the 
Sam  Hill  air  ye  tryin'  to  murder  my  three-pint 
Nanny  for!' 

"  'Yer  three-pint  granny!"  yelled  back  your 
Uncle,  nearly  beside  hisself .  *  Stand  there  like 
a  fool  when  a  man's  nearly  killed  all  over  at 
yer  door,  'thout  offerin'  to  bring  out  any  of  yer 
first  aids  to  the  injered.'  When  the  man  see 
his  goat  wan't  killed,  an'  your  Uncle  was  only 
banged  up  some,  he  got  tickled  at  somethin' 
an  'most  died  a  laughin'.  That  made  Hiram 
madder  than  ever,  an'  it  didn't  improve  his 
temper  any  when  he  looked  'round  an'  see  the 
three-pint  Nanny  a  quietin'  her  nerves  by 
chawin'  up  his  new  straw  hat;  he  up  an'  hove 
a  big  rock  at  her,  an*  started  the  fuss  all  over, 
an'  if  the  stage  hadn't  come  along  an*  hurried 


"  '  Make  a  fool  of  yerself  laffin',  says  he,  'but  if  I  ever  hear  of 
you  whimperin'  a  word  'bout  this  goat  episode  I'll  sue 
you  fur  a  divorce  an'  separate  maintenance  afore  I'm  a 
day  older.'  " 


AT  CATALINA  gjj 

us  aboard,  it's  more  than  likely  they'd  a  fit 
each  other. 

"That  night,  as  I  lay  in  bed  watchin'  Hiram 
bathe  his  jints,  an*  bruises,  in  arnica  an*  lini- 
ment, I  got  a  spell  of  laughin',  an'  I  laffed  till 
I  most  shook  the  bed  down,  an'  could  hardly 
git  stopped.  'What  ails  ye,  anyhow?'  growled 
your  Uncle,  peerin'  at  me  over  his  specks,  an' 
I  answered  as  well  as  I  could  between  laughs : 
'Talk  about  your  movin'  pictures,  if  some  of 
them  movin '-picture  men  could  a  got  you  an' 
that  goat,  rollin'  over  each  other  to  see  which 
could  git  to  the  bottom  first,  his  fortune  would 
a  bin  made.'  Then  I  laffed  more,  an'  your 
Uncle,  lookin'  severe,  says:  'Make  a  fool  of 
yerself  by  laflin'  all  you  want  to,  but  I'll  tell 
you  here  an'  now,  that  if  I  ever  hear  of  your 
whimperin'  a  word  about  this  goat  episode  I'll 
sue  you  fur  divorce  an*  separate  mentenence 
before  I'm  a  day  older,  er  my  name  hain't 
Hiram  Harrison.'  " 


THE  HARBISONS  Go  IN  FOB  SOCIETY  AND  BUY  A 
TOWN  HOUSE  AND  A  BEACH  HOUSE  ON  THE 
OCEAN  —  EVEBYTHINQ  LOVELY  BUT  THEIB 
ENGLISH. 


AT  WESTLAKE  HOME 


NEVER  was  so  surprised  in  all  my  life, 
Mandy,"  said  Aunt  Pheba  Harrison,  "as 
I  was  that  day  in  Los  Angeles,  when  your 
Uncle  come  walkin'  into  our  room  at  the  hotel 
an*  said:  'If  nothin'  else  will  do  you,  Pheba, 
but  buyin'  one  of  them  houses  out  Westlake 
way,  I  reckon  we  might  'bout  as  well  let  the 
agent  take  us  out  an*  look  at  some  of  them  this 
afternoon.' 

"Honestly,  Mandy,  if  Hiram  Harrison  had 
a  slapped  me  in  the  face  I  wouldn't  bin  a  bit 
more  surprised  than  I  was  at  him  takin'  this 
sudden  notion,  an*  while  I  was  awfully  tickled, 
I  never  let  on,  an'  got  ready  jest  as  if  'twas 
what  I'd  bin  expectin'  all  along. 

"The  first  house  the  agent  showed  us  was 

big  an'  old  an'  gloomy,  an'  the  woman  who 

owned  it  answered  to  the  same  description,  an' 

Hiram  'lowed  he'd  have  the  jim-jams  livin'  in 

215 


216  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

sick  a  place,  an'  said  he'd  ruther  live  in  a  tent. 
We  looked  at  a  lot  more,  but  if  Hiram  liked 
'em  I  didn't,  an*  vice  versa.  Somethin'  was 
wrong  with  all  on  'em  till  he  showed  us  a  nine- 
room  bungalow  that  looked  real  homelike  an' 
cozy  an'  not  too  big  to  do  the  housework  with 
one  hired  girl.  It  struck  both  our  fancies  all 
at  once,  altho  Hiram  found  objections,  of 
course,  an'  run  things  down,  thinkin'  he'd  get 
it  cheaper  by  talkin'  agin  it.  When  the  agent 
called  his  'tention  to  the  new  style  of  beamed 
over  ceilin's  he  said:  'New  nothin';  they  had 
them  things  in  the  log  houses  back  in  Indiany 
as  long  back  as  I  kin  reckalect,  not  to  mention 
them  ridge  poles  we  see  in  them  sod  houses  in 
the  airly  days  of  Nebraska.  You'll  have  to 
get  up  somethin'  a  little  moderner,  young 
man,  an'  a  little  more  up-to-datish  than  them 
beamed-over  ceilin's,  if  you  want  me  to  call 
'em  new.  Them  sod  houses  had  winder  seats, 
too;  had  to  have  'em  whether  or  no,  bein's  the 
wall  was  nearly  two  feet  thick.  Never  thot  of 
braggin'  an*  blowin'  'bout  'em  bein'  purty, 
tho.' 

"Then  the  agent  showed  us  what  I  call  a 


AT  WESTLAKE  HOME  217 

wonderful  invention  in  the  shape  of  a  disap- 
pearin'  bed,  but  Hiram  wan't  a  bit  surprised, 
an'  said:  'Think  you've  got  me  now,  don't 
you?  But  you  hain't.  See  more  disappearin' 
beds  in  my  day  than  you  could  shake  a  stick 
at,  but  they  disappeared  under  the  big  family 
bed,  an'  they  called  'em  trundle  beds  in  them 
days;  same  idee,  tho.  Sometimes  when  vis- 
itors would  come  unexpectedly  of  a  mornin' 
that  bed  would  disappear  so  quick  mebby  the 
woman  would  forget  to  extract  more  than  half 
the  children,  an'  frum  the  way  they'd  yell  when 
they  found  themselves  prisoners,  one  who 
heard  'em  an'  didn't  under stan'  the  situation 
would  think  murder  was  bein'  done.' 

"Failin'  to  impress  your  Uncle  with  the  dis- 
appearin' bed  the  agent  said:  'The  billiard 
room  an'  the  servant's  room  an'  the  den  are 
on  the  second  floor;'  an'  as  the  agent  moved 
toward  the  stairway  Hiram,  actin'  real  excited, 
said:  'Stop  where  you  be;  I  don't  pertend  to 
be  any  better  than  my  nabers,  but  I'll  swan 
if  I'm  goin'  to  make  any  hired  girl  of  ourn 
sleep  up  there  all  alone  with  a  den  of  wild  ani- 


218  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

mals,  altho  all  the  wild  animals  we  have  to 
stock  a  den  with  is  the  tabby  cat  an'  ole  Shep. 

"  'But  go  on,'  says  he,  seem'  I  looked  kind 
of  disappointed.  'I  see  you're  bound  to  take 
up  with  all  them  silly,  smart-set  fads,  so  if  you 
must  keep  a  den  of  wild  critters  to  be  in  it  out 
Westlake  way,  I  reckon  I  kin  scare  up  a  wolf 
an'  prairie  dog  an'  mebby  one  of  them  Teddy 
bears  to  add  to  the  family  menagary.  If  some 
swell  society  leader  was  to  make  a  roof  garden 
atop  of  the  house,  fur  the  family  cow,  an'  send 
'er  up  in  a  elevator,  I  reckon  there 'd  be  plenty 
to  ape  after  her.' 

"When  Hiram  see  the  inhabitants  of  the  den 
was  no  thin'  worse  than  the  hides  an'  horns  of 
wild  animals,  together  with  a  collection  of  pipes 
an'  relics  an'  sich,  he  was  most  tickled  to 
death. 

"  'A  sensibler  fad  never  existed,'  said  he; 
'them  buffalo  robes  an'  horns  I've  bin  savin' 
so  long  will  jest  be  the  thing,  an'  I'll  bring  a 
lot  of  them  fresh  corncob  pipes,  along  with 
them  Injun  relics,  back  with  me  frum  Nebraska. 
Then  when  I  give  a  smokin — '  'Smoker,  you 
mean,'  says  I.  'Well,  smoker,  then,'  says  he, 


AT  WESTLAKE  HOME  219 

'1*11  tell  some  harrowin'  tales  'bout  how  I 
hunted  buffalo  an'  fit  Injuns  on  the  plains  an* 
got  them  relics  an'  hides  an'  horns;  make  'em 
open  their  eyes  sure  an'  make  that  rabbit 
coursin'  huntin'  we  see  at  the  Country  Club 
look  like  thirty  cents.' 

"  'Gee,  but  this  is  great,'  he  continued,  sur- 
veying the  den  with  satisfaction.  'Not  a  tidy 
er  lace  curtain  in  sight.  It's  a  place  I've 
dreamt  of  but  never  expected  to  see.  When 
wimmen  go  to  sniffin'  the  air  in  this  corner  of 
the  house  an'  sayin'  they  believe  they  smell 
smoke,  I'll  jest  tell  'em  to  smell  away  er  stay 
out,  jest  as  they  please. ' 

"  'The  breakfast  room  is  quaint,'  said  the 
agent,  an*  Hiram  asked  him  how  big  the  lot 
was,  sayin':  '  'Twill  only  be  a  matter  of  time 
till  she'll  have  to  have  a  supper  room  an'  a 
dinner  room,  so  I  want  to  be  sure  there's  room 
to  build  'em,  as  I  see  it's  comin'.  Crazy  idee, 
tho. 

"  'I  reckon  there's  a  garbage  on  the  place?' 
he  asked. 

'"A  what?'  said  the  agent. 


220  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

11  'A  place  to  put  our  automobile,'  says  your 
Uncle,  as  big  as  you  please. 

"0,  sure,  Mr.  Harrison/  says  the  agent, 
holdin'  his  hat  up  over  his  mouth  to  keep  us 
frum  seem'  him  laffin'.  After  a  good  deal  of 
haglin'  on  Hiram's  part  we  bought  the  place 
fur  ten  thousand  dollars,  an'  moved  in  to  see 
what  furniture  would  be  best  brought  out  frum 
Nebraska.  As  it  come  on  toward  summer,  most 
of  our  nabors  out  Westlake  way  commenced  to 
talk  about  goin'  to  them  cottages  down  to  the 
beach.  It  seemed  to  worry  Hiram ;  as  fur  me, 
I  ain't  one  of  the  beachy  kind,  bein's  I  ain't 
overly  fond  of  fleas  an'  sand.  Hiram  said  the 
cook  put  on  airs  over  us  frum  the  day  she  found 
out  we  didn't  calcalate  to  go.  Thinkin'  to  make 
Hiram  feel  better,  fur  he  seemed  to  think  he 
was  disgraced  not  ownin'  a  house  down  to  one 
of  them  beaches,  I  said:  'I  might  do  like  lots 
of  the  other  women  out  here  do — go  an'  board 
an'  have  you  come  down  at  the  week's  end  oveu 
Sunday;'  but  he  got  as  mad  as  a  hornet,  an' 
said:  *  Other  wimmen  nothin'.  It's  a  shame 
the  way  these  Calif orny  wimmen  go  gallopin' 
round  to  them  resorts  all  summer  leavin'  their 


AT  WESTLAKE  HOME  221 

men  at  home  to  water  the  yard  an'  feed  the 
chickens,  an*  get  into  dyspepsia  an*  all  kinds 
of  trouble.* 

"  "They  say  it's  the  climate,'  said  I,  an'  he 
growled  back:  'If  a  woman  kin  stay  at  home 
all  summer  in  Nebraska,  where  the  cyclones  are 
doin'  a  land  office  bizness,  an'  the  lightnin'  is 
strikin'  all  over  creation,  she  kin  do  the  same 
out  here.  It's  bin  an  unwritten  law  back  there 
ever  sence  the  country  was  settled  up  that 
April  Fool's  Day,  an'  Decoration  Day,  an'  the 
Fourth  of  July  celebration  was  dissapation 
enough  fur  any  woman.  If  a  woman  back  there 
was  to  go  hikin'  off  to  some  pleasure  resort 
every  summer,  'thout  the  aid  an'  consent  of 
her  husband,  she'd  be  apt  to  come  home  some 
fall  an'  find  some  other  female  perambulatin' 
'round  her  hearthstone,  who'd  tell  her  she'd 
forfeited  her  homestid  right  by  bein'  off  her 
claim  too  long,  an'  like  as  not  show  her  a  paper 
signed  by  the  County  Judge  which  made  the 
gaddin'  woman  an  ex-wife  No.  1.' 

"  'I've  known  cases  where  the  gaddin'  wife 
would  be  tickled  to  death  nearly,'  says  I,  but 
your  Uncle  never  answered  me,  an'  after  starin* 


222  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

out  of  the  winder  awhile  he  said:  'But  I  see 
you're  bound  to  go,  so  the  only  thing  fur  me  to 
do  is  to  buy  us  a  beach  house.  But  I'll  give 
you  fair  warnin'  tho,  I  hain't  a  goin*  to  stay 
at  home  with  that  homely  cook;  seems  to  me 
you  couldn't  a  found  a  homelier  critter  if  you'd 
a  got  out  a  search  warrant  an'  hunted  all  over 
Salt  Lake  City.  Homeliest  women  there,  indi- 
vidually an'  collectively,  I  ever  laid  eyes  on. 
Them  ole  Mormon  fellars  must  a  had  the  cour- 
age of  their  convictions  to  face  sich  an  ugly, 
job-lot,  rummage-sale  gang  of  wives  three 
times  a  day  at  meal  time.  'Twould  a  took  my 
appetite.  But  to  get  back  to  the  beach  ques- 
tion; I  hain't  a  goin'  to  stay  at  home  an'  mosey 
'round  the  house  waterin'  the  yard,  an'  feedin' 
chickens,  so  I've  concluded  you  kin  take  that 
prize-beauty  cook,  an'  the  chickens  an'  things, 
an'  I'll  load  you  an'  your  trunks  an'  traps,  an' 
things,  onto  a  dray,  an'  you  kin  go  overland  to 
the  beach;  'twill  be  the  cheapest  way  to  do. 

"  'If  you  are  a  caterin'  to  society  so  you 
won't  have  me  'round  only  on  the  week's-end 
days,  I  kin  jine  one  of  them  men's  clubs  so  as 
I  won't  be  lonesome  the  middle-week  days. 


AT  WESTLAKE  HOME  223 

'Twould  be  the  proper  thing  to  do,  anyway, 
seein'  as  how  I've  writ  two  letters  to  the  pa- 
pers, an'  had  a  piece  of  poetry  printed  and  kin 
play  lawn  tennis,  an'  bin  massaged  twice.  If 
we  are  goin'  in  fur  this  society  stunt,  Pheba, 
it's  up  to  you  to  get  citified  an'  take  them  phys- 
ical-culture doin's  an'  git  straight  front  waisted 
an'  graceful,  too ;  we'll  have  to  brush  up  a  little 
on  our — '  'Language,'  says  I,  interruptin' 
him.  'I  noticed  them  society  folks  at  Herman's 
didn  't  say  ' '  hain  't. "  '  That 's  so, '  says  he,  *  an ' 
hain't  you  noticed  I  hain't  said  "hain't"  fur 
quite  a  spell.  That's  one  reason  I  bought  out 
here  instid  of  on  Orange  Grove  Street  in  Pasa- 
dena; they  say  if  you  git  your  "theses"  an' 
"thoses"  mixed  over  there  'twill  put  you  out  of 
runnin'  with  the  Smart  Set  entirely.  Then 
you'd  hate  to  set  around  an'  hear  the  other 
wimmen  talkin'  French,  an'  you  not  understan' 
it.'  'French  ain't  a  hurtin'  me,'  says  I,  'it's 
my  English.  I  guess  their  French  is  mostly  like 
that  Pasadena  woman's  Herman's  wife  was  a 
tellin'  me  about.  Herself  an*  all  her  friends 
thought  she  was  a  fine  French  languagist,  an* 
when  she  went  into  a  restaurant  in  Paris  the 


224  TOUBIST  TALES  OF  CALIFOENIA 

only  way  she  could  make  the  French  waiter  un- 
derstand she  wanted  bread  an'  butter  was  a 
p'intin'  to  it  an'  then  p'intin'  to  her  mouth.' 

"  'Well,  I  wish  you  could  play  the  banjo  er 
the  pianer  er  somethin','  says  your  Uncle,  an' 
I  said:  *  'Tain't  fashionable  to  play  the  piano 
in  company  any  more,  less  you  are  a  expert; 
other  wimmen  who  ain't  expert  piano  players 
have  pianolas.' 

"  'Other  wimmen  no  thin','  says  he'  thinkin' 
of  the  cost.  'Throwin'  that  other  wimmen  biz- 
ness  up  to  us  has  bin  the  undoin'  of  men  ever 
sense  there  was  men  to  undo.  Get  your  old 
pianola  an'  be  done  with  it.  I've  a  notion  to 
take  a  few  lessons  on  the  fiddle  myself.  I'll 
bet  I  kin  play  "Old  Dan  Tucker"  an'  "Money 
Musk"  now  till  they  can't  keep  their  feet  still. 
'Twill  be  somethin'  novel  to  have  fiddlin'  music 
at  my  smoker. 

"  'Purty  expensive  bizness,  this  goin'  into 
society,  but  I  got  a  offer  of  ten  thousand  more 
yesterday  fur  the  farm,  so  I  guess  I  kin  stand 
it,  pianola,  fiddlin'  lessons,  sendin'  out  straight 
laundry,  hired  girl,  beach  an'  all.'  " 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  AT  LOS  ANGELES 

THE  UNIVERSITY  LIBRARY 
This  book  is  DUE  on  the  last  date  stamped  below 


SEP  2  8 


WSCHARGE-B 

APh 


-BRL 


weeks  from  date  of 


Form 
20CT-1,' 


MAR  31 1975 


MAR  3  01989 


DNIYERSITT  of  CALIFORNTJ 


